Grieving the loss of my last name

I have struggled with the thought of taking his name since before he proposed. He’s the oldest of five with two younger brothers and I’m the only child of the only boy. It hurts my heart knowing my dad’s family name ends with me but my fh told me how hurt he would be if I didn’t take his name. My dad excpected it and is ok so I will be too. Who I am as a person won’t change because I’m married so I’m trying to remember that. I wish you luck!!!

Honestly, if it means this much to you I don't think you should change your name, and your FH should understand that. I felt strongly that I wanted to have the same last name as my husband and our future kids, and in our state it was roughly a million times easier for me to change it with marriage then for him to go through the process of a name change. I did put my maiden name as my middle name too which is always an option. That way it is recognizable to people who know me professionally. Ultimately your name is your personal choice, I have a tough time with anyone (even your FH) telling you what your name has to be.

The first time I married, I wanted to hyphenate. I got married at 32. When I was filling out the form I told him it was his last chance to state his preference for my last name. He said he wanted me to have his name, so I changed it. I dropped my middle name and took my maiden name as my middle name.

I have the distinction of being the last-born female on my father's side with this last name. All the other women have married into the family.

Over time the relationship deteriorated, and I went back to school. It got to the point that I resented having my now ex's last name. He had nothing to do with my education or anything else going on in my life. I hated the last name I had connecting me to this person.

We got divorced and the first thing I asked for was to have my maiden name restored. THAT is who I am. I smile every time I have to sign something now. I feel like I have the signature that matches *MY* identity.

Now I'm having the same debate again about taking my FH's name. I love him. I love his last name. I want to take his last name, but I'm scared of having the same identity crisis I did the first time I changed my last name. FH's input is that I need to do what makes me happy. The problem is I don't know for sure if it would make me happier to keep my name or hyphenate. I refuse to be in the position where I never get to sign my maiden name again.

View Quoted Comment It's up to them if they drop the middle name, or add the last name to have two middle names.

Honesty it sounds like you want to keep your name. And you can, it is YOUR choice, not his. I always get frustrated when I hear people say that their partner would be devastated if they don't get rid of their name and take on a new name. It's not their choice at all if you decide to change it or not. Personally I wish this 'tradition' would die, and I absolutely hate where it came from originally. please make the choice yourself. Doing something to please someone else will make you resent that name eventually if you didn't really want to change it to begin with.

View Quoted Comment They can replace or they can have two. I have two middle names and it's nbd.

First time I married I went First Maiden Married, got divorced and went back to full birth name. Now I am going to full on and go First Middle Married.

Have you thought of First Middle Maiden Married? Unless is it uber long it could be a choice.

If you feel that strongly about your maiden name you should keep it, or hyphenate. It is a highly personal decision (trust us, we all know and understand!)

There us nothing wrong with keeping your name, or compromise and hyphenate...or, let him take YOUR name!

It's kind of heartbreaking to see so many people who are reluctant to change their names doing so. If you have any qualms about it, don't do it. It's archaic, patriarchal, and pointless -- unless you want to do it. If that's the case, then do it! I want to, and I honestly can't wait to change my name. But if you don't feel excited to change it, then I don't think you should. Period.

I'm keeping my name, and FH and I have discussed this at length. I only have a sister and if we both marry out, my family name will die out and that makes me said. I also have built a brand, written publications, etc under my name, and it has been my identity my whole life. I would have a serious hard time for many reasons changing my name and he understands that. Do what is right for you. it sounds like you feel similar.

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I feel the same way, and I get SICK of people trying to tell me I shouldn't be upset about it. I am in academics, and will probably one day be a published author (academic journals, but still!) and It's important to me that my family's name is on that work.

What sucks is that my FH's mother hyphenated, and named her kids that hyphenated name. Which is great for her, but makes my situation more stressful. It also matters to me that FH and I have the same last name, for symbolic reasons. We considered dropping one of his and both taking a new, hyphenated name, but I could tell he really didn't want to do that.

I think I've decided to keep all my names lol. It'll be long, but worth it. I'll keep my last name at work and not try to change anything (except my email signature) to 1. maintain my sense of identity and 2. eliminate the name change chaos that always occurs. People can never change email addresses, the directory is all screwed up..it's a nightmare. Haha.

View Quoted Comment Oh in ma you just change it and then bring the marriage certificate to ssn and that’s it .
Its only an issue if there’s legal complications involved or if the state considers the act suspicious... in Massachusetts anyways

I have a really good friend that went through this same dilemma when she got married 2 years ago.

I unfortunately can't relate as I'm happy to lose my maiden name. I don't have a relationship with my father and it wasn't a good relationship growing up. I never fit in with any of my "Mumford" family. I'm looking forward to becoming a Soriano..for me it's a fresh start to my life with the one man who loves me for everything that i am and am not.

My advice would be to drop your middle name and use your maiden name as your middle name. But if not, keep your maiden name for your work/art and use your married name for personal stuff. Best of luck with your decision!

I was having a really hard time with dropping my maiden name, but wanted to take his name as well. I compromised and decided to take both by hypenating!

Thanks for all the advice. Just want to clarify a little since the response has been so resounding. This is a poem. I'm a writer. When I have complex emotions, I create. consider this post an outlet. My FH is an excellent dude. I can talk to him about anything, and I do. But the support is overwhelming. You ladies rock.

I've been feeling conflicted about changing my name too and I didn't expect it at all. I am 35 years old and I've been a Primrose for all this time. When I was younger, even 10 years ago, I was very excited to take a FH last name. But now that it's getting closer to being real, I'm starting to have other feelings. I don't have any issue with my FH's name and I'm on the outside with my Dad the last couple of years but I still feel weird about giving up my last name. My FH has always casually commented that he expects me to take his name and has strong feeling about it. I need to have a conversation with him about how I'm feeling but I'm waiting for the courage and right time. The thing is my middle name also has meaning so I think I'm leaning towards adding my maiden name as a second middle name.

I totally understand. I just got married April 7th and I havent made the change yet. I have been thinking about it over a month now trying to decide what to do. I'm not crazy about my maiden name because of my fathers side. I dont have contact with any of them. Its just that its the only name Ive ever known. Its who I am and I feel like if I change my name I wont be me anymore. I will be a totally different person. I do want to have the same name as our children but its really been bothering me. Dont want it hyphenated cause my husbands last name is 13 letters long and mine 7. It would be too long so I guess I have to figure out what to do 😕

Sarah, your poetry is beautiful and powerful! I can totally relate to your feeling as though changing your name may feel like losing your identity. I'm feeling the same way, only the name I'm grieving is my married name (from my first marriage, which ended very amicably). I've had it for my entire adult life - many more years than I had my maiden name. I've created a successful 25 year career with this name. I don't feel as though it's fair to ask my FH if I can keep the name of a man to whom I'd been married before, but I really don't want to part with it. I'd thought of keeping it as my professional name, and taking his name for personal use, as many have recommended you do, as well. We are raising his teenaged children together, so it would be helpful to have their last name for matters regarding school, health care, etc. Does anyone know if there is a legal process to using both names concurrently, or is it just a matter of changing your name legally to his, but continuing to use your current name professionally, regardless of what your new Social Security card says?

I would not marry a man who made me change my name if I felt that way. That sounds possessive. Why can’t he take yours????

I’m definitely not changing my name. My mother didn’t and it never lessened her relationship with my father.
They hyphenated my name with my dad’s and half of moms since hers was already hyphenated and I shall do the same for my kids
i don’t think who I am changed when I get married, and that includes my name