Grieving the loss of my last name

You should be able to sit down and comfortably have conversation with the person you are marrying/married. If you don’t want to change your last name then tell him that, and he should be understanding.

My conversation with FW was literally this easy “I don’t really care for my last name, and you can tell me what you want but I was thinking I’d take your last name.” “Okay if you want to do that let’s do it!”

I think you should really consider a hyphenated last name! I don’t see anything wrong with that or you keeping your own last name if you truly wanted to.

Why don’t you keep your last name? You seem upset about changing it.

I work with a doctor who uses her maiden name in the healthcare setting because that's how many people knew her for years and she didn't want to change that. But she still took her husbands last name. You could also always hyphenate your last name?

I feel you 100%. I know my fiance expects me to take his last name, because he's the last male/person in his family with his last name, and his family tree would "end" if he doesn't continue it. I find it very hard to lose my old last name though.

View Quoted Comment I was just curious if he said WHY it is so important to him. Genuinely curious.

I don't think you should change your last name since you feel this way. I've never felt grief, only happiness, to change my last name. If I felt like I was losing something, feeling sad, not who I was anymore by changing my last name I wouldn't have done it.

View Quoted Comment His kids could still have his last name even if you don’t take it.

View Quoted Comment Completely agree. My mom kept her maiden name and I have my dad’s last name.

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It's not actually that easy to both change your names. At least not in all states. We got legally married in Feb for various reasons before our big wedding. He has a hyphenated name and he's dropping the first part as it's his dad's name and his dad was never a part of his life. We both had to fill out legal name change paperwork that was then posted in the paper and we have a court date set for next week to complete the process. It's much more complex than when a female just takes her husbands name as is.

If you feel this strongly about it you definitely shouldn't change your name or you should just hyphenate. talk to your FH and tell him how you feel--if it is this important to you, he should be open to having that conversation.

i didn't change my name, but would have hyphenated if i could have (H is already hyphenated and a triple-hyphen seemed like a lot). my mom's hyphenated and my brother and i each have her maiden name as one of our middle names.

Wow. This poem is really impressive. I'm sorry you are having such a hard time with taking his name. Have you told his how you felt? Is hyphenating an option? Then you can keep you name and take his.

We are combining our last names to create a new last name for us. This is about us joining together to be a family, not me joining his family. He completely agrees and embraces it. Why keep up an old tradition that erases part of a woman's identity?
He also hates when people write "Mr. And Mrs. John Smith." He says, "all that acknockleges the woman is the "Mrs" part.
I feel lucky to have found a man who shares my ideals on this.

View Quoted Comment You aren’t “denying” him anything.

Your name, your choice. Simple as that. You and he will still be just as much a family if you keep your name. If you have children you will be just as much a family if you keep your name but they have his.

I changed my my name because I wanted to. It would have seriously upset me if my H had gotten upset with me if I wasn’t sure. I hated my maiden name so I was actually looking forward to changing my name, but as someone like you who is rather attached to your maiden name, I can totally see that it would be a hard choice.

Other options to consider:
-he can change his name to match yours (you know, if being a “family” is so important, it’s just as easy for him to change his!)
-you can hyphenate
-you can move your maiden to your middle
-don’t change your name but use his socially

the choice is yours to make, and no one else’s.

I know your feelings. I’m 41–I have had this name my whole life and strongly identify with it. This is the only issue we have ever argued about. He finally accepted that I could keep my name even if he wasn’t crazy about it. In his mind, it was a rejection. In my mind, it was losing my own identity. Right now, I plan to keep my own name. I may tack his on as a second last name. Like in Latin cultures, my own last and would be my primary last name, but my second one would be used formally. I still have to figure out exact logistics—whether I just use it socially or just add it. It would make my name really long. I don’t want a hyphen. So it would be like Ruth Bader Ginsberg, for example. 😀

View Quoted Comment This is true, different states have different name change rules.
In CA if my H had a hyphenated last name he wouldn't have had to legally change his last name before our marriage. We would have been able to both change our last names on the marriage license.

Reading through this post has made me feel so much better. I’m upset to lose my name but I want his name. It’s going to be a change. I literally cried over this the other day to my MOH

Then don't change it? I am not changing mine. Or he can take your last name. It's an age old 'tradition' that I personally feel is outdated and don't feel the need to do. My fiance didn't trade me for a goat.

That being said, I'm not opposed to those brides who do choose to change their last names. You do you.

I know! It's scary to even think about. I'm torn as well!

View Quoted Comment I always get a little confused when I hear this, so when someone moves their last name to their middle what happens to their middle name? Or do they then have 2 middle names???