Grieving the loss of my last name

Keep your name if it means that much to you. It’s been an ongoing thing for my fiancé for me to take his name. I don’t really want to. I feel like I’m losing myself as well. He doesn’t understand it.

View Quoted Comment Yeah, easier said than done. He's not really asking for anything else, so I feel really stuck on how I could deny him his only actual request. Right now the plan is to keep Jarmon as a second middle name. I just keep randomly getting sad about it. Figured forums were as goods a place as any to vent some of the excess feels haha

For me, some things about taking his name are a no brainer - I have no qualms with our children having his name, and his name has more significance than mine. He's very fond of his name, it means a lot to him. I've never been that attached to mine. But at the same time... What happens to everything that was associated with me and my maiden name? How do I make sure that part of me doesn't seem to disappear?

I understand how you feel. I hope you can find a solution both you and your fiance are comfortable with.

Professionally you could still go by Jarmon but your legal name be Sarah Jarmon MarriedName

Vent as much as you need. Is it that he wants you to have his name or that he wants to share a name with you? Would he consider taking your name instead? If he's not willing to take yours, how can he expect you to give up yours? At least it might help him to understand how you feel. Good luck and I hope you can come to terms with whatever decision you make and be happy with it

I feel you. I'm very attached to my last name, but when I brought up not changing it he looked at me like I had 3 heads. It's not really an option for me to keep my name, but maybe if you explain how it makes you feel like you're losing a part of yourself he will be more understanding? Best of luck!

First that is a fantastic piece of poetry! Just wanted to properly acknowledge that before commenting.

My divorced aunt kept her married name! She made a dance teaching/directing career for herself under that title and became well known in that industry so chose to keep it even after the divorce!

Personally I am keeping both names. So currently I am Callie Danielle M. and I will become Callie M. B. So I'm ditching my current middle name completely. Never suited me anyway and carries no meaning and I never went by it. So my maiden name is now going to be my middle name so it will always be officially part of my legal identity.

Would you want to hyphenate? I'm sorry you're having such a hard time with this. There are a lot of options to compromise.

when you apply for marriage certificate you can always change your last names together to something completely different then either you and your SO have currently.

Can be like starting over fresh, a name you create and own equality.

I legally changed my last name when I turned 18 to my stepdad’s last name (I consider him my dad). I also built my career with this name. I hyphenated. I use my last name professionally and his personally. Our kids if we have any will have his last name. He was good with that compromise.

Very well written!
i was on the fence for a while about what I wanted to do, and even now that I am sure of my decision to change my name, I still feel sadness about losing the old name.
One thing that made me feel a lot better was a conversation I had with one of my oldest friends. We’ve known each other since we were 3 and she said that no matter what, she doesn’t think we’ll ever be able to call each other anything other than our current names after 20 years of it. Another scenario that helped is the time it’s taken for my FSIL to change her name. She didn’t get around to it right after the wedding, and is now going by his name socially but not yet legally. She keeps saying she wants to but hasn’t done it yet. I like that she was able to ease into it and kind of test it out first.
But at the end of the day, do what’s right for you. Not changing is perfectly okay.

My husband doesn’t understand this either. I’m happy we have the same last name yet- but I get just a tiny bit of joy out of seeing my old last name paired with my first name.

used to write for a paper, so I used to see my name in print a lot. My last name was easier before I never had to spell it. I totally am still grieving the loss of my last name.

My name was not designed to go with his last name. But my name was designed to go with my first name. So I totally feel ya girl. I didn’t have to change it, but I wanted us to have the same name.

I don’t want to give up my last name either, I love my last name. Part of me is thinking of hyphenating.

I think if you feel this strong you should really let him know and not change it. It sounds like it’s something you don’t want to do.

Personally I am not looking forward to taking FH's last name either, and not because I'm attached to my last name by any means... it's just that the first name "Elise" already doesn't sound good with any last name, much less "Hornsby", lol. You do have options though girl... hyphenation, middle name, or even him taking yours! Good luck!

I am moving mine to my second middle name too. My FH said I could do whatever I want. But after thinking about it I wanted both names but didn’t want to hyphenate. You could hyphenate. And have both without resorting to making yours a middle name

I don’t get why so many guys out there seem to need their wife to have their same name. This is a big change for some women, so let her decide.
I’m not changing my name, but any future children will have his last name.
I decided I wouldn’t be changing my last name when I was very young and actually brought it up very early in my relationship with my FH. I’m very independent minded, so I knew if he had had a problem with something like that, we would probably butt heads a lot in the future. He didn’t/doesn’t care what my name will be, he just wants to be married!

One creative option might be to put your last name as your middle name. I know several people who have done this, one of them now having 2 middle names, because it meant so much to them. I'd say that this is especially true if it is mixed in with their career and friendships so deeply.

This is very dramatic. Talk to your FH about how you feel about losing the name. I understand grieving the change ( I did), but this is over the top sounding like you REALLy dont want to do it.

If you feel so strongly that your identity is so closely tied to your name, talk to him. My husband would be mortified if he knew it hurt me to share a name with him.

Seriously, if you are less than thrilled I really don't think you should do it. It's going to breed resentment every time you sign or every time someone calls you by the name.

I was overjoyed to tack on my husband's name. In his culture, married women become Maidenname de Marriedname. His mother (who I am obsessed with) cried when I told her I was carrying on the tradition. I am overjoyed to have a new name.

Honestly, if something like this doesn't bring you joy, please talk this out