And now FMIL is demanding that we invite guests...

I think this is a conversation that your FH has to have with her, frankly. Make sure you're on the same page first so he doesn't cave and tell her the friends are invited. You are perfectly within reason to decline her demands, especially since FH already told her they're not invited!

I agree that this should be FH's battle to fight, but I will say that the wedding is exciting for parents too and it's not unusual or surprising that they would want friends there as well. My mom requested a few of her friends be invited to my SECOND wedding, even though they had been at my first as well. All I can say is that they were generous gift givers, both times.

You have to pick your battles, and if this is one you want to fight, then go for it. I'm just saying it's not unusual for parents to want to invite friends.

If she wants to invite them then she can pay for them to go

To be fair, she is more than willing to pay. They offered to split everything 50/50, but my mom saw her as the type of person who would put strings on everything. (and she is) so we declined their offer, and are splitting everything traditionally. So they are paying for liquor, half the flowers, and the rehersal dinner. They also took it upon themselves to host a brunch, which we did not ask for, it was very much a suprise for us- it was booked without even telling us.

No, I hate the idea that if a parent wants to invite someone, all they have to do is pay. First off, it's not her wedding to decide-- the bride and groom should be the only ones to get a say in who is invited, regardless who is paying!

Secondly, if she can pay just to have her extra guests, that's like a slap in the face to Lilly's parents who are paying for everything else! Not fair at all!!

Just think about this "Is this the hill you want to die on? Are you willing to possibly put a rift in your relationship with your mother-in-law over 4 people?" If the answer to these is yes, good luck. If the answer is you aren't sure then here is my advice - yes she is paying, exactly what the grooms family is expected to pay (she offered to pay more) and I really think you should have offered your parents and your future in laws a few friends to invite. It is 'your day' but it is so much more than that. It is about the joining of families and friends in to your life - people you may never have met but you are sure to get to know over the years that you will be married to your significant other.

Also if I recall the flower thing, she didn't change it to anything you hadn't discussed with her, she just made the changes you talked to her about - which yes while not her place and out of line, wasn't exactly MILzilla material.

Just try and put things in to perspective. It's one day but you must live with these people for the rest of your life.

I'm also not into the paying for the guests thing, and I've seen too many weddings where the bride and groom seem to know almost no one there.

But it's his battle to fight, and as others have said, it may not be worth the fight. If she narrowed all her friends down to four, it's probably not. The daughter's friend? No.

I don't agree with you, sorry. Your FMIL offered to pay for 50% of the wedding. You said no. That was a slap in the face. She is now paying for 5% of the wedding and the RD, and yet she is not "allowed" to invite her FOUR friends. Again, a slap in the face. You even admit that it's not a problem inviting these people, you just want a power struggle with your FMIL. So it seems that you are blocking her friends to prove some kind of point that it's YOUR wedding. This is so childish.

Unlike you, me and my fiancé are paying for our entire wedding. We would never dream of telling our parents that they couldn't have a few of their long-time friends there to share the excitement and happiness of this day. It's really not just about you.

I side with Emily on this one.

Based on this post alone (I don't know the other "bs" you are referring to) but it sounds as though you are being very unreasonable. You are playing a petty power game with your FMIL and it will only end in tears and hurt feelings.

I hate when brides pull the "It's MY day" card. Actually, it's not just your day, it's your family's as well. Your parents deserve to celebrate this day with you and if they want to invite their closest friends to share in their special moment then they deserve that. My FILs had about 6 friends there and my Father invited about 3. Sure I didn't know them but you know what? It made them HAPPY.

Get over yourself and realize that other people are invested in the day too.

I only hope that you can gain a new perspective from this. In the end, when you're a month out like we are, you just want the day to go over as well as possible, and to include as many people as you possibly can because you start to remember what the wedding is really about; celebrating a huge moment in your lives with your family and friends. Does this mean some people are left out? Yes, but I agree with Emily and CeCe, you're marrying his mother also. Don't start your lives out together like that. I understand you're mostly VENTING and it's easy for people to make judgments when we're in states like these, but I think if you have some wiggle room/time before the RSVP to make something like this work (or at least a compromise), then I really think you should find a way to work it out in inviting these 4 people. It's 2 couples and I'm sure you will receive some declines that could make it possible to accommodate them.

Just my 2 cents.

How would your parents feel since they weren't able to invite their friends? I totally understand that this is the FMIL but you are also the FDIL and as much as some think it's important for you to get along with her, it's as equally important for her to get along with you. Your wedding, your invite list. Plain and simple. Next she will be naming your first born and demanding that she be in the delivery room while your giving birth and meanwhile your parents are in the waiting room. What is good for the goose is good for the gander. No special treatment should be given

at all. IMO

Good luck.

I've been thinking about this some more. True; 4 people is not a room full of strangers, but I get the sense that this is another in a history of head butting episodes between you, and letting those four people come may go a LONG way in improving your relationship.

One thing I tell EVERY ONE OF MY COUPLES is that this adorable notion that the wedding is 'all about the couple' couldn't be further from the truth. When it's truly 'all about the couple', I am standing in a park somewhere with two soon to be spouses and two witnesses. Once there are guests and family, it's not all about the couple anymore. It's about the families; families are messy, sometimes unpleasant, but usually a big part of the day; listen, it's a day THEY"VE been looking forward to for a long long time. Inviting four friends isn't the end of the world (it's also not inviting every person who ever entered your inlaws' or parents' lives.....

Think of it as an olive branch. As many people have said here, you'll have your MIL as long as you have him, which hopefully will be a very, very long time. This is a bad way to start out.

I agree with Barbara. Stand your ground and tell her no. You shouldn't have to invite anyone you don't want there.

Celia I totally agree with both of your posts. At first, I was like your first post and then I just decided to let things go. My inlaws wanted to invite everyone and their mother (and did), and in lieu of us never speaking again over the issue, I just let it go. I gave her all her invites, all 114 of them, just from her. It wasn't worth living pissed off at each other.

It seems like you and MIL are locked in a neverending power struggle. This isn't about four guests or flowers or anything else, it's about the two of you being utterly unwilling to back down on any issue. This is going to exhaust you both, and cause a rift with your FH. I know if I fought constantly with my MIL, it would cause immeasurable hurt to my marriage.

I would try for a reset. Have lunch with her (and a few mimosas to break the ice if necessary), and talk about anything BUT the wedding. Give yourselves a chance to like each other and get along, then try to approach wedding disagreements with an open mind and a generous spirit. She's going to be around for a very long time, why start off your relationship by locking horns? And if you can't appreciate her for who she is, can you appreciate her as the woman who gave you the man you love?

I agree with Emily the whole way. I embrace my FIL's and they are inviting 4 couples that I do not know that well. They have 3 boys and this will be the only wedding they see so I want them to enjoy it too. For us, it's about making memories for us and our parents.

Celia makes a great point - I detest when brides are all, "It's MY day, everyone should do what I WANT." No - the minute you include guests, the day becomes about them as well. They're your friends and family, not some passive audience. Don't like it? Go to the courthouse.

Part of the problem with allowing these 4 people is that there would be no room left for my parents to invite people. Technically, maybe, but we are worried we will need to hire a few nurses for his grandparents who are in their 90s, so i want to reserve 4 seats incase that becomes a reality the week of the wedding. She handed us a guest list of about 75, for a 160 person wedding, we honored 70 of her requests. My family guest list amounts to 17 people.

But I do fully admit that I am incredibly pissed, that she asked, we said no, then she demanded. I do agree with, "is this the hill you want to die on"- maybe not, but I also see the perspective that she will never respect us if we keep caving to her demands.

I totally agree with Emily and Celia. At least in my family, the wedding is just as much about the families coming together as it is about the couple. It's an amazing showing of love and support for the new couple--yes, it means the couple might not be super close to everyone there, but it's still an exciting time. My dad is chipping in a small percentage of the total budget (maybe 10%), and when I told him to get me a list of people he would like to invite and I would try to accommodate them, he was *so* touched. He's not getting to walk me down the aisle or do a daddy-daughter dance, so I thought this was the least I could give him. My mom is incredibly excited about this day, and when I told her that she can invite her friends (many of whom I've met and hung out with, they're a fun bunch), she almost started crying she was so happy. This is a day for your (and your FH's parents) to celebrate, as well.

That being said, it doesn't sound like this is really about inviting 4 extra guests. There's a real power struggle going on here. I like Shannon's idea of resetting everything and going back to the beginning. You don't want to create a rift, but you also don't want to start a precedent where your MIL gets her way with whatever she wants. I think you're in a touchy situation. Good luck!

I'm in the same boat, only the other way around. FMIL is trying to UNinvite guests that she recently got into a tiff with (very common, wedding is 10 months away, they will be on and off talking another 5 times before the wedding comes around) andddddddddddd guess what, it's not her wedding. it's mine. and same with you. news flash- it's not her wedding, it's yours. would i just let my FMIL invite her 4 friends? yeah. it's only 4 people, if it will make her happy and shut her up, i'd do it. she obviously is "demanding" they be there for some reason, i'm assuming they were a part of your FH life at some point. i would assume it's ultimately up to him.