Disappointed mom of groom

Try explaining to him how you feel.

I agree with brittaney, talk to your son and FDIL. He is likely in a difficult position since, although you contributed/are contributing financially his FILs are paying for the actual event itself. I would say, however, that since you are paying for the RD you should have more of a say in who is invited to that. 70 seems like a lot! I would ask what their criteria was for the decision process. But all-in-all, please keep in mind there are a LOT of people to please in wedding planning and it's not possible to make everybody completely happy! I'm sure your son does care about your family!

Talk to your son, normally I would say its not for you to interfere with, but if you are contributing there should be a very good reason why you had to cut the guest list down so small. That may be the case, be open and honest with them and Im sure you can work something out.

Wow out of 300 people you only get 30 people? That's just 10%, so if we go by that logic, if you paid $10k, then that should mean their wedding is $100k and that either your son and future daughter-in-law or the future daughter-in-law's family is paying $90k. I think these kinds of things should be fair, if you paid $10k, and the total wedding is $40k then you should get roughly 25% of the guests. I know family sizes are going to be different and location of families can be a factor too but I think you should speak up. It's definitely hard if your son only has a couple aunts and uncles and the bride has 20 aunts and uncles, but if the bride is inviting second and third cousins and your son is only getting a few close cousins then that's not fair. I'd talk to him and see how they decided on those other guests.

I do agree that if the bride's family is paying for the actual wedding they may want more of a say, but 30 is low, you should maybe ask if there's any way to work in some extras.

Stop paying for things. It's their responsibility.

I would be disappointed too... That seems really low #'s for a 300 person wedding... I also agree with the other brides. Talk to DS and FDIL and find out why they made some choices

When my son and dil got married, we offered help and support on all things. They had the wedding they wanted that her parents paid for so we had little input in to the guest list and other things.

What we paid for things we had the most input on, gave a fabulous rehearsal dinner and a post wedding luncheon reception in our home state about a month later.

Try not to keep track of sides; this will not forge a good relationship with the mother of your future grandchildren!

Said with all good intentions from a mom of boys

I agree with Andi. Also, as the in-laws normally host the rehearsal dinner, you can choose who to invite/not invite to that.

FH and I didn't let either of our parents invite people. We invited who was important and close to us and left it at that. We wanted to keep it on the smaller side. Wanted to share the day with people who are closest to us and will still be in our lives for years to come after the wedding, not our parents friends. Mind you we are paying for everything... But keep in mind it's their day.

Is there a reason you were limited to 30 ppl for the guest list? Of the other 270 guests, how much of that is your FDIL's family? for example, is a majority of their guests actually friends and not family? I agree that since you are paying for the rehearsal dinner, you should have a little more say, however, if you are not actually contributing to the wedding itself and they are paying for it themselves, or FDIL's parents are paying for the wedding, then ultimately they have more say in the guest list.

Is her family larger than yours? At my wedding, majority of the guests will be from my side, but that is only because my family is considerably larger and my FW does not have many close friends.

There are many factors to compiling a guest list and without knowing what they all are, its hard to give you advice.

Its okay to talk to them, but keep in mind that they likely have a reason for asking you to limit your guests to only 30 and likely that reason has nothing to do with your family "not mattering". Its okay to ask them why, but assuming they have a reasonable answer, you also have to respect their decisions. Its hard on a bride and groom to make everyone happy. Give them the benefit of the doubt that they are trying to strike a reasonable compromise with all sides.

Thanks for the comments. We did my daughter 's wedding a few years ago and paid for everything related to that day. Grooms side got pretty much the same number of invites as we did. Wonderful wedding; not much stress. My son and FDIL want a big reception with big dance floor , etc. Her mom has tons of friends, and that's mainly why I had to cut out all but the people who have known my son for years. Cut out my aunts, uncle, and cousins, because I couldn't ask some and not others. There is no compromising to be done. It's clear that we cannot invite anymore. It's like we are paying $400 per every guest we invite. For the rehearsal dinner, FDIL wanted DJ etc for 80 or more. We said no. Her mom has out of town friends who are coming from long distances, and basically they said if we don't invite them, her mom won't come to RD because she'll be with them. So my husband and I said ok to the big

RD (minus DJ and open bar) and now we hardly have any friends or family involved at all.

No point in bugging my son; this is almost all driven by his FMIL wanting big party for her friends and family.

I still think it's ridiculous that we get 30 out of 300 ( and those 30 include 3 of their attendants and spouses because they are part of " our" side). I don't care who us paying, it just seems wrong to have the list so unbalanced.

At this point, I'm just going to be glad when it's over.

Try to remember that its just one day!

It is hard when trying to decide who to invite and who not to invite. But You do have to remember that it is the bride and grooms day. I am sure they have had some say in who they want there. Some weddings just arent as family centric as maybe you would like. You say you are only getting 30 invites, but how many of the 300 are the bride and grooms friends or co-worker or just invites in general? I am pretty sure that the other 270 are not all of the mother of the bride's invites. Try to remember that weddings are hard to plan and stressful for everyone. Try to just enjoy the day and enjoy the people you will have there.

As hard as it is, this is their day. Honestly, I think it is wrong that parents feel if they are paying they get a say or can invite who they want. To me that says, I am only going to help you out financially if I get to invite who I want. So really it is about the parents inviting who they want over the bride/groom inviting who they want. My parents are paying for about 50% of our wedding, FH's family is paying for nothing, we are paying for the other 50%. My parents said nothing about inviting anyone until we had who WE wanted to invite included on our guest list. They made some suggestions on who else should be invited and of the 10 couples they suggested we ended up inviting 5 because we were closer to those people.

If you are willing to help out your son with his special day good for you, but don't complain because you don't get your way. It is supposed to be about helping your son, not making it about who you can and cannot invite. This is the reason we don't accept any money from FH's family because they will hold it over our heads.

Are these people you want to invite actually important to your son or are they just important to you?

Well, I hope they don't seat people at the wedding by brides side and grooms side. ;-) That would look pretty ridiculous. Oh well. I have only 2 kids, and at least my daughters wedding was done with great consideration for her husbands family. It IS only one day, but we've learned a lot about FDIL's family.....

FutureS, I am not in any way, shape, or form "holding the money over their heads". I did not prepare a list until I was requested to, and then have been asked to continually cut. There are exactly 6 people on my list that are either not family (remember, I cut most of my family) or that were not REQUESTED by my son to attend. But he does know every single person. I cut out ALL of my husbands and my friends if DS doesn't know them. I would never have treated my now-son-inlaw 's family the way we are being treated.

That's really unfortunate. That FMIL sounds like the "monster" in law. I would be disappointed too if I were in your position. I'm sorry though that I don't have any advice for you. I actually feel really bad for your son since he'll have to deal with her for the rest of his life.

Honestly i don't want this to come off as rude but i never understood why parents felt the need to invite their friends to weddings, thats just my opinion.

My FH has just about 1/2 the guest list and thats just for his family, my family is probably only 1/4 and the rest is our friends.

Meanwhile yesterday my FMIL was complaining because her daughters FH has about 1/2 the guest list and she had to cut 2nd cousins from her daughters wedding.

theres only so much space, and if your son really wanted those people there he would have fought for them to be there. I think 1/2 is fair, but i guess its easy for me because my family is so small. I know it stinks especially when there are 300 people being invited.

From what i can tell guest lists are always a hot topic and some parents put up a much harder fight than you have.

Just for the record, it didn't sound to me at all like you were holding money over their heads, though I also feel that as soon as you contribute money to a wedding you get a say in the invite list. You are being much more gracious than I would have been. I'm sorry you have to go through this. Honestly, though, as much as you want to be a good parent, I'd keep in mind how you were treated if they ask you for money in the future for a down payment on a house or anything like that. Hearing that you paid for the engagement ring already makes me think that they are making choices beyond their means.

Jnissa, thanks for the response. I did want to clarify that we paid for the ring out of convenience, and just told them that they could use the money they would have withdrawn for the ring toward wedding expenses. They are actually pretty responsible, thank goodness!