Dad and Stepmom strike again... mostly a vent but looking for opinions

To the pp's comment before of "think how you'll feel in 10 years"... I've felt pretty much the same way for the previous 10 years. FH doesn't know why I won't just cut them out, and to be honest, I don't know why I won't either. Like others have said, they don't bring anything spectacular to our relationship, and it seems like they've alienated themselves from everyone on that side of our family. I was only inviting them, my stepmom's parents (whom I have zero relationship with and haven't seen in years), my dad's father, and my dad's sister and her family. My dad doesn't speak to his own brother or mother anymore, for various reasons (grandma is an alcoholic, uncle is a dad/stepmom described con artist). Honestly, during the times that pass between me visiting or talking to them, I don't even miss them or notice how much time has passed. I was closer to my sisters when we were a bit younger, but we are not close now days. My parents have never had my daughter overnight or taken her to do anything to make good memories. My sisters never ask to do anything. In fact, when my youngest sister turned 21 last year, we had talked about the three of us going out for Mexican food and margaritas. They told me they weren't going anymore.. come to find out they just went without me. A few more years back, they all took a vacation to North Carolina together, didn't bother to invite me. When I confronted them about it, their response was, "well we didn't know if you could get time off of work". How do you know if you don't ask?

I've never felt like part of the family. I feel like an outsider. When we visit them, we sit around the kitchen table talking about my stepmom and the girls for hours. We don't bond, we don't make memories, we don't DO anything. I could care less about stepmom and girls, but there's a nagging feeling in the back of my mind about cutting my dad off. I was never super close with him, but I feel like he views the girls as more of a daughter than he does me, and them not coming to my college graduation makes me feel even worse.

I think I'll send the invite, and keep my distance. I don't need any of the additional attitude or stress leading up to my day. If they come, they come. I wouldn't imagine they'd stay long, as they would be bringing stepmom's mom, who is in a wheelchair, paralyzed from neck down with MS. I think they'd use her as an excuse to ditch out early.

My stepdad has been more of a dad to me than my real dad, and I think splitting the dance would just create even more drama, so I think I should probably avoid the father/daughter dance all together.

I would still invite them because if u don't they might want to come anyway and try to crash your wedding..sorry this is happening to u

If these people are detrimental to you and your family's health and happiness than they do not deserve an invite. Parents or not, nobody should be able to treat a person like garbage and then assume they've earned a place in a wedding. Both of my parents are alive and neither received an invite.

1) ignore them from here on out 2) invite to wedding 3) go back to ignoring them

I think you still need to invite them, you don't want to add more fuel to the fire. Its just not worth it. Do your part and if they want to be jerks about it, that's on them, not you.

Oh Boy do you have stress! Families are always so unique huh? I've got the sister that no one talks to and the daughter that this one won't sit with and that one doesn't want to be near, it just goes on and on. You can't please everyone! Remember, This is YOUR day. Not your dad's, stepmom's, step sisters, or anyone else. It is so hard because it's your dad. We all have "Dreams" of our dad's walking us down the aisle and dancing with us at our wedding. It is hard to let that go. From the previous posts it sounds like you have this worked out, I wish you the best of luck. If things change keep us posted. I agree with inviting them, and keeping your distance. Maybe a text message to your dad when he is at work, or you know that he is alone? Just saying how you feel, not what you think or what you want, just how it feels and what hurt you. no one can argue over your feelings, they are yours.

Have you sought counselling for yourself about this? I don't think it's good for your mental health to keep hoping they'll change, when they clearly don't make the effort to do so. It also concerns me a bit that your daughter is witnessing this behavior from your stepmom towards you. I think you said she was 7? I think that's a little too young for her to be around people who don't care about you. Kids are smart and pick up on these things. You said yourself that she thought she said something wrong. If it were me, I wouldn't want to associate with these people, family or not. I hope for the best for you, in whatever decision you make.

I wouldn't invite them. And I would tell them that and why. tell them everything you just stated right here. Just explain you dont need that negativity on your day and that if they arnt going to treat you with respect then its not worth it. I'm so sorry I know its your Dad and its important to you that he be there for your big day but you are better off without him. Maybe once you talk to them and explain why they are not invited they will get their act together. or not...probably not. but screw them! You have your FH and daughter and thats the only family you need. Chin up pretty girl!

I can't even imagine the stress ur going they right now. I would invite them because that's still ur dad but ignore whatever negative energy they're putting out.

I think you should do what you were saying--invite them but keep your distance. And I totally get not being able to completely cut them off, especially because of your dad. He is your family, after all. And despite how strained your relationship may be, it's hard to just cut your family off like that.

Honestly this reminds me of my family. I am not inviting my dad because he is an ass. He doesn't deserve to come because him and my new step mom are infuriating and just want to cause trouble. Don't let people who are toxic ruin your wedding day. From the sounds of it it would probably be better if you avoid socializing with them all together.

Sounds like a great movie. Bad for real life. They don't deserve to be invited. Stop trying to fix things and just live your life.

Thanks everyone. I think at this point, I'll invite them, but keep my distance until then and after, and leave the ball in their court. I talked to my mom about this and she said if they do or say anything out of line she'll be down their throats in a heartbeat. She says she will not let them ruin our day. Honestly, I wouldn't be surprised if they don't even show up. What a relief that would be.

@Awkward, no, I have not had any counseling, but I have other buried issues in addition to all of this that I think I could use some counseling on. As far as my daughter goes, we don't spend enough time around them for it to greatly affect her. From now on, I'm just going to keep my distance and not communicate with them or visit them. She doesn't deserve to go through that.

I appreciate all of your input and suggestions!