Commitment ceremony?

That "piece of paper that says you're legally married" is a basic civil right that many people have been fighting about for years, so don't be trivializing that, okay?

I'm with Melissa HH on this one; you're not committing to anything; you're throwing a party to celebrate.....something that has been in place for years.

As a person legal resposibility for these things? I can lose my ability to do this work if I perform something that LOOKS like a wedding but isn't. I have had a couple of couples who couldn't get legally married because of one reason or another (late visa approvals, problems with divorce decrees) and I make it very, very clear at the beginning of the ceremony that what we are doing is NOT a marriage. I don't use any 'marriage' language.

Honestly? I don't see the point. You want the party without the reason for the party. Look into the implications of marriage and then make a decision about how this will affect your entire lives, not the SS benefits.

If you can't get by on combined benefits, how are you affording a commitment ceremony? Just have people over for a picnic or dinner or something and do a surprise commitment ceremony - stand up in front of everyone and do it then and there.

I feel like if you're upfront with people about what the ceremony will be (i.e. don't call it a wedding) it will be fine. Yeah some people may choose not to come because they don't agree or whatever, but that's their problem.

We had a similar situation go down with one H's friends, but they kept calling it a wedding, which made it feel very gift grabby. I think in the end they did actually sign the papers though, due to prssure from friends and family. But again, they were calling it something it wasn't. Had they not, it probably would have gone differently.

Ks, it's their problem? According to SSA, living together and calling each other wife and husband can affect your benefits. This is something that truly needs to be discussed with SSA and made sure such a ceremony won't affect their benefits. Legal or not. As stated above where I referenced said website.

I agree on checking with SSA on this. Also definitely check with an attorney and inquire about common law rules in your state.

OP never said she was calling it a wedding/lying to any guest. As for how it's getting paid for...probably like the rest of us (own funds or sometimes parents contribute). OP never discussed the size of the commitment ceremony she was looking at. Just saying...we don't have all the details.

I was thinking the same thing @ambrok

Ambrok, you're right, it wasn't stated explicitly.

But the implication is that the OP is looking for alternatives to a legal marriage because her and her fiancée do not want to lose their disability benefits after they "they marry". Ergo, we want to be married but don't want the government to see it that way because that could reduce the amount of money we get.

I have far greater issue with THAT than I do with what the OP calls her event, but it's not a far stretch to imagine that if you're looking for ways to sidepass federal and state laws, your morals and ethics aren't suddenly going to kick in when it comes to the event itself.

I debated on how to respond to this question in the most helpful and thoughtful way. I absolutely understand to desire to commit to your partner and to celebrate that commitment with friends and family. So I support a small commitment ceremony with immediate family and very close friends. With a small lunch or dinner to follow. However, it would be beyond rude to fake a wedding. So you need to be honest with all guests inviting that this is simply a commitment ceremony between you two and you will not be getting married. I would also caution against trying to throw a wedding a few years down the line after this if circumstances change. That would be inappropriate. I think based on your concerns regarding the SSI issue a large wedding is really not in your budget and you should not try to make a big event out of this.

Maybe UO but yes, there are actually people who cheat the government and there are bigger problems out there when it comes to fraud and abuse of programs but this to me seems comparatively innocuous.

How is this any different than couples who marry for increased military pay? or marrying to reduce taxes? In this situation, it just sounds like they're better off not getting legally married (not touching on the cohabitation rules cuz I have no idea...).

Agree, @CorgiButts....

It's not innocuous. Cheating is never innocuous. Where do you draw the line? Why is this 'not actual"?

I've done lots of weddings. I have never had anyone marry for bigger military benefits if they weren't planing to get married in any case. I've never had a couple get married to reduce taxes.

Yes, it's UO because it's a creepy, dishonest, unethical opinion.

I feel like it's also with mentioning that SSI amounts are usually below the poverty level. It varies by state and I don't know the payment amounts for every state. In Illinois it is almost $3k below the federal poverty level for an individual annually. So yes, losing any money from getting legally married would be a major issue for this couple. They are likely barely making it as it is. If someone has an issue with what they're doing maybe they should have an issue with the way the government treats citizens with disabilities as well. Maybe then they wouldn't have to "cheat the government" and could get married like everyone else.

As for ideas, I think doing a commitment ceremony with family and friends would be a nice way to honor your relationship. Maybe having a small party at your house with loved ones would be a workable situation?

As always, I'm 100% with Celia on this!

@ Corgi, there's a huge difference. You're not breaking laws/rules in either of those scenarios. And I don't buy into this idea that because there are people really busting rules that one should ignore seemingly smaller offenses. I have to play by the rules, as do you - the OP does not get a pass because she's on disability.

You're right, it would be better off in this case for the OP to not be legally married to her partner if there is a concern for a decrease in benefits. But the OP is asking for "others things they could do" to get married but avoid losing SSI income. There are no "other things". Either you get married or you don't. You can't side-step that.

And as other users pointed out, law may require an adjustment if she's living with a long-term partner without being married.

I agree with other who have suggested checking with Social Security as to exactly what would happen if you guys were to be legally married then go from there. It is also true that having a party and calling it a "wedding" would not be appropriate in this case. If you go this route please be honest with your guests.

The fact that you are able to marry is such an amazing liberty and you don't want to simply because you think you will get more money? DW and I were unable to legally marry each before June 2015 and a commitment ceremony was the only option until then. I understand wanting to proclaim to the world that this person is the one you have chosen to love and be with forever so why not do it legally? There are other things to think about besides your check each month. What about if one of you gets sick- neither will be able to make medical, financial or any other legal decisions for the other. Legal marriage takes the level of commitment to another level.

Cheating is if they did get legally married and still claimed benefits separately. Sure, no one gets married just for the military pay or to reduce taxes but it affects WHEN they get married. I personally know quite a few couples who did a courthouse marriage at the end of the year because it meant a big tax refund for them and had their celebration as long as 2 years after.

It's planning for life, not cheating. If common law marriage issues don't snag OP, then she's operating in the confines of the law.

Are you doing a ceremony with just the 2 of you or a ceremony and reception? I think spending money on a reception is shady, a ceremony might be ok. Are you currently living together already? My sister is on disability and if they find out someone is living with her and not contributing to rent etc, she could get in big trouble. So if you aren't living together but are planning on it your benefits could still be affected.

Grace, please enlighten me as to how disabled are treated?? Cheating the system is ok, so they can keep their benefits?? Please explain how it's ok for them to cheat the system, but others can't?? Perhaps if people didn't cheat the system in the first place, then those who are truly disabled wouldn't have to go through such hell to receive assistance.

Again, there's TWO different programs. SSI and SSDI. Please don't mix the two, as their eligibility are vastly different.

SSI is social security income, which is usually received after a certain age. It's also for those that are disabled that DON'T have enough work history to qualify for SSDI.

SSDI is social security disability income. It is based on work history as well as salary history. it is paid into.

Again as stated previously SSDI you can get married and it does NOT affect your benefits. SSI, you can get married and it MAY affect your benefits.

As stated previously, and i'll repost:

"Social Security may consider your live-in partner as spouse if you hold yourselves out to friends, community, and family as "husband and wife" even if you have not legally married. Therefore, their income would be counted the same as a legal spouse, which might cause your SSI monthly disability benefits to change. Whether or not your SSI benefit will be reduced and by how much depends upon your spouse’s earnings. Your spouse’s income affects your SSI disability benefit amount because SSI is a need based disability program."

http://www.ssdrc.com/5-57.html

This is a question you should be asking SSA, not WW. We're not aware of your circumstances, nor are we qualified to give legal advice.

While federal SSI payments top out at $735 per month, recipients also receive Medicaid and foodstamps. Some states also pay supplemental SSI, so the amount received per month may be higher than federal SI. So yeah, nobody is living large on SSI.

I'd be careful about the commitment ceremony, though. You need to talk with an expert before risking the only income you have.