Cold feet? Or something more? (Groom)

Premarital counseling sounds like a really really good option.

I'm not the counsel-y kind of advisor....I'm more the 'truckstop' minister.

The clear thing is that you have some issues. (The lack of ambition part isn't the most glaring; it's a rare person who actually know what they want to do at 25, actively and enthusiastically pursuing it; the exception is people who are in grad school, but even that's a crap shoot...)

People can be wonderful people, fun to be with, deserving of our love and respect, but that doesn't always mean we should marry them. You need to sort it all out, and probably,that means postponing until you can go through enthusiastically.

My reading tonight was from Corelli's Mandolin;

“Love is a temporary madness, it erupts like volcanoes and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is.

Love is not breathless, it is not excitement, it is not the promises of eternal passion. . . . That is just ‘being in love’ which any fool can do. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident.

May your roots grow towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossoms fall from your branches, you find out that you are one tree, and not two. “From Captain Corelli’s Mandolin by Louis de Bernierers.

So consider that, but when you're standing at the end of the aisle, that should be the only place you want to be.

My FH recently had his small bout with cold feet and walked out on me. He didn't even make it through the night before coming home, but it left me shattered and skittish. This was less than a week ago.

He never opened up to me. Had I known how he was feeling, it may not have come to such a dramatic climax. I'm glad he came home but it's going to take time to mend things for me due to my depression and abandonment issues.

Please talk to her. Don't let the feelings grow too heavy to handle. Let her help you if she can before both of you get hurt.

Postpone at the very least. I felt this way with CH before we got married, and almost cancelled the night before, but my brother convinced me it was cold feet. Granted, he ended up being extremely abusive, I was unhappy in the marriage from the start.

The questions you're asking are normal, until you get to the best friend. It's a red flag that there are issues in your relationship that you are avoiding. You both need to work through those before proceeding, or decide if you WANT to proceed.

John, let me tell you that what you are going through is not so uncommon. Please don't be too discouraged about your relationship: relationships go through cycles. Just as your relationship with yourself sometimes has rough patches and there can be blips in your self esteem, your relationship with the woman who you are closest with is also bound to have blips. I've had the same feelings on and off after getting engaged. You and I actually have quite a bit in common! My FH couldn't find a career he was passionate about pursuing, neither of us had EVER dated other people, I found myself feeling curious about fooling around and scared of the idea that I would never get to date another person. We've been engaged now for 4 years and I can tell you that these ups and downs are normal, and that if you two both communicate and put plenty of patience and effort into the relationship and into self-development, things very likely will get better!!! FH is now applying to go back to school to pursue a career path that he feels passionate about, and I can honestly tell you that it took a lot of time and difficult conversations to get to that point. I also used our long engagement to really contemplate that other topic (you know the one: am I REALLY ready to commit to one person FOREVER?). A lot of soul searching and me turning down opportunities to fool around has told me that true love is actually a choice...It doesn't just "happen"! Sure, timing and chemistry are important, but there is no perfect person. Ask yourself this much: Do you love her enough to stick it out, to never betray her, and to keep trying to fall back in love with her when your relationship has a rough patch? Do you love her enough to go along with her on the journey of choosing a career, which is bound to be really frustrating? What are her positive traits, and do you think that those would be easy to find in another person? Are her faults things that you think will NEVER change...and are you okay with that? How does she help you to be a better version of yourself? These are all things to think about. Just know that you are NOT alone. So many of us have these feelings, especially the over-thinkers. I have struggled with anxiety and depression, so I know how that is!

The first (and most important!) Thing I'll say is this:

Talk to your future wife about this stuff. ALL of it. Honesty and communication are super important building blocks for a relationship--that honesty is tainted as soon as you decide you aren't going to tell her something as important as that. It could be nothing, she could be having similar thoughts herself, and--the biggest kicker here-- she is your FIRST. That's something to be proud of--and crushing on someone else isn't that important in your position, but it is always best to be upfront and open, especially with the person you plan on marrying.

I think you guys need to be intimate more frequently. I don't mean sex, either. I mean caressing. Hugging. Kissing. Massages. Baths. Simple little things that show a great appreciation and love for each other. Taking a day off of work would be great to do that with! Another thing you could do is look at some of the things she has said she's interested in (Mildly or moreso) and maybe try to let her explore that a little--and you, too!

Have you considered seeing a relationship counselor or minister? Of course talking over your feelings with your partner is most important, but pre-marital counseling even if you're not affiliated with a church can be a helpful if not insightful process. It could help differentiate cold feet from rooted problems.

Been many years since this post, but I was wondering how your counseling went and what happened. I am going thru a similar situation, and I keep reading discouraging posts online. I just wanted to know if you’ve talked this thru with your fiance and whether the wedding happened. If so, how your marriage has been..