Cold feet? Or something more? (Groom)

I've also started really stressing over the fact that my fiancee has not yet found herself a career. She is 25 and has gotten comfortable in her current job that she's been with for 6 years or so. She doesn't seem driven to find herself a career which concerns me a lot considering I am very driven and focused and want to ensure we have a financially stable relationship after marriage.

I also want to mention that I have anxiety/depression which is not medicated, so it may be a factor in my thoughts as well. I just don't know if these things are normal feelings from a groom, or if it's just my anxiety kicking in, or if its something more serious.

I've talked to her somewhat about some of these things. We've talked about the "true love" questions before and she has told me why she feels like what we have is "true love". I have obviously not talked to her about the things I may be feeling for her friend, as I don't want her to feel like I love her any less and I don't even understand the feelings themselves. We've also discussed her job situation before several times. She always says she knows she needs to find something better but she never does anything about it.

First off, a little friendly advice: you should allow vendors to join in the discussions you create. We have some amazing ones on here like Celia and Centerpiece who give the most incredible advice.

As for your question: I can't personally relate to your situation, but my future in laws can. Michael and Lilo were high school sweethearts. They got married young and moved in together. They didn't have children for a long while, choosing to focus on their marriage instead. When they did finally have children, their relationship took a bit of a down turn. But they got help from a therapist who taught them how to repair their love. This year, they will be celebrating their 40th anniversary together.

They only knew each other in a romantic way, just like you and your FW. Whether or not you're actually ready for marriage, only you can determine. But I wanted to share this story to let you know it is possible to marry your first love and be happy.

Sounds like this relationship isn't going to work... You're doing what I've done with every person I've fallen out of love with, basically coming up with a lot of little excuses as to why "it's not me, it's him". But at the end of the day, it was me, I just wasn't in love. They were great guys, they treated me well, they were ready to settle down... But something always kept me from moving forward.

I realized this only after meeting and marrying my current husband. I just really, really love him, every part of him, even his "flaws".

I think it's unlikely you have feelings for her friend, it's more likely you're just confused and processing a lot right now, so I wouldn't bring this up. It's just too soon and things probably won't happen with you & this friend. You'd be better off starting fresh and dating well outside of your group of mutual friends; if you're ready to date others (which it sounds like you're interested in doing).

Don't make the mistake of marrying before you're ready... If you think it's difficult to break up now, imagine 10 years from now when you're really unhappy, but have built a life together that you have to unravel and you really will have wasted each other's time, which would be sad for you both.

Do you have a big wedding planned?

Postpone. Wait. Figure these things out first.

I am also getting married to the first person I ever dated, and, although I am a girl I have had a few mirrored thoughts. For example, how do we know it's love for sure?

My thoughts/advice would be this.

1.) Love is what you make it. Chemistry is more variable, but love is as much about action/participation than it is about a feeling. You'll love and be in love with your wife when you make the decision to do so and don't think about what can be different. No matter how far you are into a relationship doubt or wondering how other options would have turned out will destroy you.

You need to talk to her at plainly as you are us. Tell her you are having doubts. Talk it out. Good luck!

The no ambition/job thing would be a red flag for me, especially if it's against what you believe. I am the same way - and so is my husband. I broke up with a guy and he divorced a woman who had no ambition or desire to have a stable career.

I'm not saying you should halt the wedding, but you may have very valid thoughts. And as painful as it might be, I'd have a sit-down with her now about all these feelings (except the crush): the cold feet, the feelings you have about her lack of ambition, etc. You'll get a better feeling either way. Good luck!

I agree with everything Jennifer said.

Our wedding is fairly big (I think), with about 110 people invited. I don't find myself coming up with excuses as far as anything she is doing. Because it really does bother me that she is 100% committed to me and this relationship/wedding and I'm here going through my own crisis in my head. I do have plenty of good things to say about her, one of which is that she is very understanding and always willing to talk about anything with me (which I feel communication is extremely important in a relationship). She may not understand what I go through with anxiety/depression, but she is always willing to help me in any way that she can.

Thank you guys for the advice so far, I look forward to hearing more opinions regarding my current situation.

I have always wondered the same how do people that marry their first loves really know that's the person! I also know lots of people who have married the only person they have ever been with and that's great I find those people extremely lucky and blessed. I've felt like I have experienced different kinds of love with different people but I'm positive now there's nothing more I need to look for than with my other half. I would definitely talk it over with her and have an adult conversation about how you feel. My mother always told me what's for you will always be there for you even if it means it's in a few years from now. Don't start a marriage with doubts it's not fair to either one of you

Nothing good can come of bringing up your crush on her friend at this point- please don't do that. However, I believe you need to be honest with your feelings regain her lack of motivation in her work and your cold feet. It's definitely something that needs to be addressed prior to the marriage. Also, if you identify your untreated mental illness as an area of concern, it likely is. Please get some form of treatment whether it is therapy and/or medication.

These feelings won't just change after your married and you'll still wonder these things. IMO I'd rather end an engagement than a marriage so I'd talk about postponing/taking a break if you actually are willing to lose her to figure this stuff out. Personally I'd never get back with someone who called off an engagement so know that risk too

Yes Jennifer, I am also 25. She is actually 26. I've considered premarital counseling to see if that would help me figure things out. I'm not sure how honest they are in those or if they would give advice like cancel or postpone your wedding. I've also considered all the options regarding postponing/cancelling the wedding and what not. I totally understand that when people go separate ways to "test" their own relationship that it can sometimes work out for both parties or just one. I really find the statement "you never know what you have until it's gone" to be true and I don't want that situation to happen to us if we do end up going separate ways..

And I have heard the crushes situation happen before even to people who are married, so I may just be over concerned with these feelings because they are happening at a bad time. I am certainly not one to act on any feelings like that while already in a committed relationship, though.

I appreciate all the advice you guys give. It really does help me to read your opinions. I think what I may end up doing is signing up for premarital counseling, having another serious talk with my fiancee, and I've also wanted to take some time off work with her and go spend the day together. I know we have a great time together but we have been working so much lately that I rarely spend time with her. So I feel like perhaps I just need to take some time off with her to remind myself of how we are together.

I married my first love and first for a lot of other things. I never had any doubt or feelings of "what if" and neither has my husband. I think that when you find the one you're happy with and want to spend the rest of your life with, you just know that it's right. If I were you, I would take to your FW about how you're feeling and talk about postponing. It's a lot easier to call off an engagement than to get a divorce. I would make sure that you know you're making the right decision before you go through with the marriage.

I agree with what everyone else has said I just want to say good luck. I think "cold feet" and nerves about the wedding can be normal but you need to really think it through and talk to your fiancée to make sure you don't enter a marriage that isn't for you.

I went to relationship counseling about 12 years ago with my then boyfriend, not even fiance. It started as counseling for something else, and ended up as relationship counseling. It allowed me to realize, and finally admit that I was not in love with him. He was a great guy, was in love with me and I just didn't feel the same. I doubt you'll end up with the friend because that wouldn't be right to act on, but it doesn't sound like you're in love. I would at least try some premarital counseling. both are hard, but it's a lot easier to break off an engagement than to get divorced.

John, I'm a therapist. A good and competent counselor will not offer you advice one way or the other; their job is to help you sort through your conflict and empower you to make the choice for yourself. They will be honest with you in reflecting what you're going through. That being said, take your fiancée with you. I firmly believe premarital counseling should be required before anyone signs that license. It can only help.

I agree with what everyone has said, but just wanted to share a similar situation that happened with FH's best friend. His FW called off the wedding about 5 months before the day. She did it through text and it was just horrible (so definitely do not let it get that bad). It left our friend so crushed and confused and he is slowly getting over it. However, he is so thankful it happened before the wedding. Just as some others have mentioned, calling off an engagement is much better than calling off a marriage. You love your FW, so respect her and the relationship and just be honest with her about these feelings. Good luck!

Counseling is definitely the way to go. What may start as pre-marital may turn into couples. You may also both need to see someone separately. Recognizing you have "issues"'is definitely a good first step.