Chronically late??

I have a niece like this ALWAYS freaking late to everything. We started telling her things were 2 hours earlier than they were, but that didnt help.

One year for Thanksgiving we told her we were eating at 12 when we were planning on eating at 2. At 2:30 everyone got tired of waiting and started to eat. When her and her family's asses showed up at 3:30 they were pissed we didn't wait for them. OH WELL, SUCKS TO BE YOU.

Now that she knows we will start without her, she actually tries to be more on time. I say, tell them the real time and that you WILL be starting on time, and if they miss it, that is on them.

They are grown damn adults and know how to get somewhere on time, they just choose to be rude assholes.

I'm hoping they will be around while you guys are getting ready that morning? Hopefully they can be late to the getting ready portion then you all will be there to coral them to the ceremony site? But yea, if they miss it, it's on them!

Tell them you'd like pics before the ceremony and maybe they'll make it on time.

It is not a "Dominican culture thing", I married a Dominican man. His Mom is always on time if not early and all of his brothers are the same way.

Start on time, and if they miss it. Oh well.

Do not change the time. If they are late to their only son's wedding, that's their problem.

If they can get to work on time, they can get to your wedding on time. Start when you're ready, no regrets. If you must, force his parents only to carpool. The rest of the late family be darned.

Do not change the time. But I would figure out someone to drive them to the ceremony, and have that person show up to pick them up early, and nudge them along. A wedding is a once-in-a-lifetime event, and I would do that extra step to try to get them there on time. After that, don't worry about it on the day of. Move forward, and enjoy your day.

I wouldn't want to change the time, either, and would be sorely tempted to start without them. But how will your FH feel about his parents not being there to witness the ceremony? My mother was chronically late to just about everything. I don't think I could have started without her there, though fortunately she was on time for the wedding.

My family is like this. We started our wedding right on time and the coordinator locked the door so no one could come in during the processional. Sure enough as I was waiting my turn to walk down the aisle I could see an Aunt/Uncle/cousins trying to get in (they would have walked right into the room I was waiting in). The same family also walked in late to my brother's wedding a couple weeks ago and another member missed the ceremony all together.

Well, this was absolutely unpleasant to read. These are his relatives, and the majority of you think they need to "learn the consequences of their actions" by missing their son's/nephew/brother's wedding. These are supposedly VIP people that deserve reasonable accommodation. You know going in they have a problem being late. One day is not going to change a lifetime of behavior (nor is a wedding an appropriate time to try to do so). Reasonable accommodation is giving them a slightly earlier start time, preparing to wait an extra 10 minutes, or helping with transportation.

EDIT: Took out personal information

While yes, it is rude to show up late to a wedding, eating somebody else's dinner out of spite is much, much ruder.

ETA: I'm not saying that you have to cater to their specific needs OP, but have some compassion and patience. Is it really more important to you to start on time, or to have your Fh's family there? I can't answer that question for you. But put aside your annoyance with their lateness and think about what you would regret more.

@Rachel These are his relatives. It is appropriate to treat people with a level of respect that they are having a life-changing day. There are consequences to actions. If you are late to a doctor's appointment should every other patient have a longer waiting time because you couldn't make it to the appointment on time? No. You should have to reschedule.

A reasonable accommodation would be to provide a ramp for a guest with a wheelchair. It isn't unreasonable to expect a person to be on time for an event. If anything, send them Google calendar "invites" that will alert them an hour prior and when "It's time to leave" based on traffic.

If you are a "grown ass woman" you should be able to figure out how to get to an event on time.

When I was 18 I was fired for being late to a job three times. I learned that setting multiple alarms for when I should be getting changed, when I should have eaten breakfast by, and when I should be out the door.

People shouldn't have to put the breaks on a meticulously planned out day because one can't plan appropriately.

Rachel, what is reasonable accommodation in this situation?

The OP stated she once had to wait TWO HOURS for these people. Is that reasonable? No? Okay, so where do you draw the line on how long to "wait" for them to show up.

And even if OP decides to provide transportation from a specified location and a specified time, what reason would anyone have to expect they would be on time for that? If they can't be on time for a WEDDING, they can't be on time for transportation TO a wedding.

ETA: I obviously don't know you, or OPs FILs, but as a "grown ass woman" you have to understand that the modern world revolves around (and is entirely dependent on) the concept of time. To claim that a differing "perception of time" is justification for wasting everyone's time, or disrespecting other people (which being late unequivocally is, baring emergency, of course), is frankly laughable.

Do you know what I do when I have an important meeting, call, appointment, or really anything where there is another human being involved? I leave the house 30mins - an hour earlier than I think I need to, and I sit my ass down and wait. I'm not exaggerating even a little bit when I say I would rather be 59 minutes early, rather than be even 5 minutes late.

My FH's family is ALWAYS late which always causes major issues and timeline crunches constantly. We are starting on time, the invitations said the right time and we left them in charge of their own transportation. They will have a copy of the timeline and it's up to them to be on time. We will go on no matter what as planned so that's what I would recommend. If you coddle them with this prepare to coddle them and their lateness for the rest of your life, I would use this to show them that you will just go on without them if they continue to choose to be late.

I agree with RachelS. that a wedding isn't the best time to try and teach a whole family a "lesson." Yes, you may be fully in the right to insist on starting on time without them, but is that the best way to start your relationship with your new family--by potentially cutting them off from the biggest event of FH's life?

Having said that, I think the best way to ensure that they'll be on time to the ceremony if you don't want to provide transportation is to give them something to do before the ceremony, e.g. Give them assignments, schedule a first look with family photos beforehand, host a Happy Hour, etc.

Oh my god.

How is telling someone many months in advance when something is going to start, then starting at that damn time "cutting [them] off from the biggest event of FHs life?"

Wouldn't it be just as easy for FHs family to make a conscious effort to arrive early, given that this is such a special event?

ETA no one is telling OP to trick her ILs so they are late, or telling her to lock the door if they are. All we are saying is that it is not OPs responsibility to cater to people who very easily could simply modify their own behavior.

The wedding isn't until next May. Most of the advice was to stop waiting for them now, not on the day of the wedding, and to let them know that the start time is actually the start time.

I'm not going to keep chiming in on this after this comment because I'm really quite appalled with this entire attitude. The reality is that no matter how annoyed you may be by somebody's lateness (which is justified. I'm not defending that it is acceptable or appropriate to be late), you will not radically change their behavior on one day. You know beforehand that they struggle with this, and your FH proposed a reasonable solution. But the attitude is that you should "teach them a lesson" to FH's parents. That is appalling to me. They are his parents ffs.

Furthermore, if you proceed with your wedding without his parents there, you will begin your marriage with a very sour relationship, no matter how justified you feel you are. The question is, what is starting your wedding promptly on time worth to you? A bitter reception? Hurt feelings? Perhaps resentment from your in-laws, and possibly your FH himself for not having his parents there?

Edit: Removed personal information

@Rachel

That fine for you. Congrats on finding your disease and getting treatment.

As a bride, I'd use this year before the wedding to start them in therapy since Rachel seem to believe they share this disease. There is behavioral treatments and occupational therapy for this. When a disease causes functional impairment in one's life (being chronically late to work means you will get fired, being late to an event means you miss your son's wedding, etc.) they need to seek treatment.

If they do not choose to seek treatment, make sure they know the proper time the event starts and start on time. Are you honestly going to wait hours for them to show up?

@Rachel: You say that you are late to events but the events start on time and you don't expect them to wait for you, When you do show up you are made welcome. That is what is being advocated for.

Put the correct time on your invite and start on time. If they miss it that sucks and is pretty shitty of them