Just Said Yes August 2022

Can’t make my friend’s wedding

Lucy, on September 13, 2021 at 7:33 AM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 15
My friend and I have both had to postpone our weddings by a year, due to covid restrictions. I also have tickets to Glastonbury festival, which are really hard to get hold of! The festival has been postponed twice, and my fiancé and I are supposed to go in a group.

Last year, her wedding was scheduled to clash with Glastonbury festival, but I told her I would still attend (we had planned to drive up for the day, which is a six hour round trip). This year, she’s rescheduled for the same date (even though she knew the same clash would be an issue for me), and so I have RSVPd no. I just can’t face the drive - I think I’d end up feeling half in and half out of both events. She’s also starting at 10.30am, so this year we’d have to miss two nights instead of one.
She’s a close friend, and I’m really sad not to be there, but I can’t be in two places at once. I’m not a bridesmaid, and I feel it’s reasonable to give her a years notice that I can’t attend. However, she’s hurt and disappointed and sees it as a sign I’m not committed to the friendship. How can I manage this (and my own guilt at missing it)?


Latest activity by Chelsea, on September 22, 2021 at 9:11 PM
  • Hannah
    Master July 2019
    Hannah ·
    • Flag
    I mean, at the end of the day, an invitation is not a summons. She knew this would be a conflict of dates for you. It is what it is. If this is what she feels is the nail in the coffin of your friendship, then thats something she has to contend with. It isn't on you. People decline wedding invites. I had close friends and family who couldn't make mine, pre-pandemic. Did it hurt? Sure. Did I think they cared about me less? No.
    • Reply
  • Casey
    Beginner November 2022
    Casey ·
    • Flag
    If she really wanted you to be there, knowing that you are going to this festival, unless it was a rule with the venue, she could have chosen a different date. It's on her
    • Reply
  • Yasmine
    Rockstar October 2020
    Yasmine ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment

    I agree with this!

    • Reply
  • V
    Champion July 2019
    Veronica ·
    • Flag
    Honestly I kind of understand where she is coming from. I would be hurt too if my friend choose to attend a festival over my wedding.
    • Reply
  • Michelle
    Rockstar April 2021
    Michelle ·
    • Flag
    I can see both sides. I understand where she’s coming from but on the other hand this wedding has been changed a couple of times. People can’t expect others to put their lives on hold to attend a wedding. Maybe you can do a girls weekend or something?
    • Reply
  • Allie
    VIP November 2021
    Allie ·
    • Flag

    I can see both sides as well. I'm actually kind of in this situation on the other side myself. A friend of mine had something that meant a lot to him scheduled for the weekend of my wedding. I'm hurt that he won't be there because I wanted him to be and I felt like he was choosing a race over his friend's wedding, but the races are very important to him and I know if it didn't conflict he'd be there.

    I think the biggest issue with your story though, is that originally you told her you'd be there even though the festival fell on the same day. So maybe she thought that would stand if she had to move it? I think I would be hurt by that too, especially if it was a festival that you could do again next year since you told her you'd go to her wedding. But it does all depend on the relationship you have with this person and you aren't required to go to a wedding just because you were invited. Everyone has a life of their own and you have to do what's going to be best for you and your life.

    • Reply
  • S
    Expert November 2021
    Sara ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment

    I agree with this. Festivals happen every year, weddings happen only once in a lifetime. I would be hurt if my friend chose to attend an annual festival over my wedding.

    • Reply
  • S
    Expert September 2022
    Sarah ·
    • Flag

    While I see both sides and understand that you already had your tickets, I kind of agree with Sara on this. Weddings are difficult to plan and you'll never match everyone's schedule perfectly, so it's understandable that she was unable to perfectly make it fit your schedule. I personally would choose my friends wedding over an annual festival.

    My cousins wedding happened to be on the same weekend as my annual dance recital, and it was out of state. Dance was a huge part of my life, but I don't regret missing 1 recital to attend my cousins wedding.

    But if this festival is important to you, then go.

    • Reply
  • Cool
    Super July 2020
    Cool ·
    • Flag
    I would be hurt if one of my closest friends chose a festival over my wedding. You’re not required to go, but it shows that she is lower on your priority list than the festival. Glastonbury happens every year. You’ve already waited this long… what’s another season or two?
    • Reply
  • Sarah
    Master September 2019
    Sarah ·
    • Flag
    While I don’t think you should feel guilty for choosing the best thing for you, I can see her side of this too. Especially because last year, even though it clashed with the festival, you were going to attend the wedding. Maybe she thought the same would be true this year.
    • Reply
  • Marisa
    Just Said Yes December 2023
    Marisa ·
    • Flag

    I definitely see both sides of this for sure! I have the same situation with one of my close friends. You can't be two places at once and honestly as much as weddings are about the people getting married, as a guest they're not always fun. I know this isn't always an answer but for my situation I'm trying to make it up by getting them a nice wedding present and writing a really thoughtful card.

    • Reply
  • L
    Layla ·
    • Flag
    I’m sorry but I’m on your friends side on this. As other responses say, festivals happen every year and a wedding is one of the most special days in a persons life. A wedding invite is not a summons, but your friend has a right to be upset and there’s nothing you can really do to avoid that
    • Reply
  • Melle
    Legend June 2019
    Melle ·
    • Flag

    Dude i got invited to two weddings and i'm going to RSVP no simply cause i don't feel like going LOL

    still going to send a gift though but like other people have said - you don't HAVE to go to a wedding. but i DO understand if the person is upset because it is only once in a lifetime and if you're good friends they'd want you there.

    i would say send a wedding gift, see her before or after the wedding and treat her out.

    • Reply
  • Susan
    Devoted October 2021
    Susan ·
    • Flag

    There are consequences to every decision made and action taken, and everyone has to live with those consequences.

    A bride plans a wedding with everyone in mind that she hopes to attend. She tries hard to work with everyone's schedule, and as it is the most important day of her life, she hopes that the people she invites will support her in that step.

    The date will not work for everyone. She knows that. There are other weddings, other events. Still, she hopes her special day will rank high with the people she loves. Unfortunately, the choice she made in dates doesn't work for you.

    So you've been given a choice: her wedding or a festival. Whatever you choose, she has to live with that choice.

    You've decided that her wedding is not as important to you as your festival plans. You have your own reasons for that--$$, hard to get tickets, previous plans, you don't want to make the drive. You are absolutely well within your rights to make the decision you've made. You are well within your rights to go to the festival and have a good time.

    But again, you have to live with the choice you've made and those consequences.

    Right now, the consequences are that your friend is upset with you. She sees you valuing a festival that happens annually over her wedding, which (hopefully) is once in a lifetime. She has already had to reschedule her wedding from last year, and is probably anxious about a last minute call off again.

    So now the question is what the fall out will be. Will the friendship endure--you don't say she's a close friend or mention that there's bridal party drama, so would the choices be different if she were your best friend, or would the consequences be harder to take if you were closer? What if she skips your wedding, and how will that make you feel? How will you both choose to live with that? Again, you both have every right to make your own decisions about all this, but neither of you is free from the consequences of those decisions. Just be prepared one way or another.

    [For what it's worth, I think it's normal for brides to have their feelings hurt by someone choosing to do something else other than their wedding... I have a friend who won't come to my wedding due to Covid concerns, but she just spent a week at the beach in a high risk area, which indicates to me it's not really about Covid. I don't think our friendship is going to ever be the same. No, it's not her wedding or anything, but she was one of my closest friends, and I think that's all kind of diminished now, honestly.]

    • Reply
  • C
    Savvy April 2023
    Chelsea ·
    • Flag

    She's got tons of people who will be there that day, and you are not a bridesmaid, so in that regard she'll be fine.

    She may not want to be friends with you or it could strain your relationship-- but we lose friends all through our lives, it's ok, you'll be ok. If you would rather go to the Glastonbury festival than her wedding maybe that's a sign this is one of the friendships you are willing to let slide, that's ok! You have to trust your gut. Life is short. The friend group you are attending the festival with may be the friends you want to invest in anyway.

    • Reply

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