Broken engagement

Oh sweetie. I’m so sorry this happened to you. I think it could be his mom planted some doubtful seeds into his mind whether she meant to or not.


Only you and your fiancé know if she did it on purpose, but religion is a dealbreaker in a lot of marriages, or lack thereof— and I’m thinking he had a little cold feet, vented to his mom about it and she confirmed those doubts instead of offering guidance on how to move forward.
My mom is a Christian and my dad is Jewish and so was his family, but all very welcoming party throwing people. It can work, but a lot of times it often seems the woman in the relationship cares more about practicing her religion with her kids—at least that’s how it worked in my family.
But you both have to be dedicated to participating in the others religious rituals. I know we did a Passover satyr for a while and still always celebrated Christmas and Easter and went to church every Sunday. It was always super cool to be able to participate in Jewish ceremonies even if we were just attending them.
My husband and I broke up for a while when I thought he was the one and I was devastated just like you. It’s okay, and this is not your fault. He eventually came around and apologized and said he made a terrible mistake and we got back together but man can I relate to how you’re feeling.
I say give it time. I know it hurts. Sometimes emotional pain can make you physically sick. It certainly did for me. It’s hard to believe it will get better but it will. Since you are a Christian and I assume you have a relationship with Jesus and God, bring your requests to Him and ask Him to please direct your steps. Ask Him to give you clarity, peace, confidence and trust that He has a plan and He will not leave you if you draw closer to Him. Feel free to message me.
But you WILL get through this. Stay strong.

I am so sorry you're dealing with this- but it is better he came to the decision he can't move forward with the marriage with this conflict vs trying to ignore it/compromise his beliefs. I know a few people with different faiths who have raised their kids in both, and also know folks who choose to date only those in their religion so they don't have to deal with this. Maybe in the face of it being a reality, he just couldn't fathom raising his children in a mixed faith home.

View Quoted Comment It wasn't that I didn't want to raise our children Jewish, I just wanted to develop myself in a way where I could be more immersed in the Jewish religion without converting. But it didn't matter. He said it was when I said it, not what I said. I just figured with 8 months left to go to the wedding we would work through it.

I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. It’s unfortunate that instead of working on this major issue he just gives up. However, in the grand scheme of things, how would it of worked out when things get a little difficult, he just cuts & runs?

View Quoted Comment That is what makes me so angry about the whole thing. He just didn't talk to ME...he spent the whole time talking to his mother and figuring out what to do WITHOUT me.

View Quoted Comment Which is why, in the long run, he is not the one for you to marry, at least not at this time. There comes a time to grow up, and think for yourself, and work things out with your mate.
Parent advice may be good, for him. Or not. But you do not want toarry based on changing him. Or make long term life decisions with someone who spins 180 degrees, or cuts and runs rather than thoroughly discussing them with you. I am sorry for how you feel, both unhappy and bewildered. Things like mixed religions and children need to be settled in advance. You have a constructive idea, to settle or at least discuss these things.

Keep in mind that in the Jewish faith, religion follows the mother. Since you aren’t Jewish, any children you’d have wouldn’t be considered Jewish. That could potentially be a huge problem, or it could’ve had absolutely nothing to do with that.

It sounds like what you said triggered something in him that perhaps he wasn’t facing before. Sometimes, you know you aren’t right for each other but don’t want to face it until you have to. You can want something to work so much that you convince yourself for a long time...until you can’t anymore. Either way, he’s not in a place to be marrying anyone. He has to figure out what he wants in life, and that’s something he has to figure out on his own.

It's easy to propose, it's hard to face conflict. Bright side to all of this is that you found this out before getting married.

Have you had other conversations around religion, converting or raising children in the past?

View Quoted Comment He brought the importance of raising his children Jewish about 6 months into our relationship. I said that was completely fine with me and I was being honest with that statement.. That's the only time we discussed it.

View Quoted Comment From what it sounds like, he got spooked. If you’re still interested in resolving things, I recommend you reach out to him (call) and suggest the two of you sit down with the rabbi again to discuss things further and set more defined expectations. He may want you to convert. These are things you should start to think about - where are your boundaries or are you fine with that? Very uncool the way he handled and I’d definitely keep his mom out of as many discussions as possible, but it sounds like there’s potential for resolution.

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There are plenty of ways to participate in Judaism without being Jewish yourself. It's a shame that he doesn't want to move forward because of something that he isn't discussing with you.

View Quoted Comment I know. It breaks my heart. We haven't talked to each other in weeks and he made me move out. I don't think he wants anything to do with me anymore. He even said at the time of the breakup that there is no hope for reconciliation which hurt because I was never involved in the discussion.

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I understand how hurt you must feel.

View Quoted Comment It's terrible. But life goes on I suppose.

Sounds like he did you a favor. A person who rubs quickly at the first sign of conflict is not good for a relationship unless it's an AI.

Why do you think he would stay with me for so long, propose to me, plan a wedding, and even look at houses with me if he wasn't truly invested in our relationship? I keep thinking I did something wrong or that I'm not good enough. I feel totally betrayed.

Also he blocked me on all social media and won't answer any texts. He completely blocked me out.

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Did you pressure him into proposing and planning a wedding? because if you did not saying you did but if you did then he probably got cold feet especially as the wedding date got closer I would just move on and leave him alone

View Quoted Comment I mean I told him how much I wanted to marry him and would bring up marriage after our 1st anniversary. And after 2 years I asked when he was going to propose. Maybe he did feel pressured. Idk.