Bridesmaids don’t want to pay for bachelorette/bridal shower

This is tricky because you don't want to offend anyone, maybe the issue is they really don't have the funds to be able to spare the $200. Maybe try reaching out and having the party at your place you provide wine and pizza and ubers to a bar close by they can surely afford to buy a couple drinks for themselves I know it seems selfish but maybe they really don't have the money. If they decline a pizza party at your place and a bar night then there might be more wrong than you think.

I would maybe just go some place fun to drink . Is the money for the bachelorette party before the alcohol and food?

Eh this is tough. I want to say you can’t force anyone to spend money that they don’t want to spend. However I don’t think you’re making an unreasonable ask. They didnt have to buy dresses which is a good chunk of bm’s costs. So it’s not unfair that’d you hope for them to allocate some money to these events. I’d probably reach out and see how they’re all doing and make sure that there isn’t anything else wrong.

Brides should not be planning events in their own honor. If MOH reached out to others, and they do not want to be part of planning or paying for anything, then either the MOH plans and pays herself, or reaches out to people not in the wedding party to see if they want to do it, or someone else entirely does it, or there simply is no one who wants you to have a arty enough to plan to host it and pay for it. In any case, MOH should not be reporting to you about other bridesmaids. These parties are strictly voluntary. Meanwhile, parties are not the responsibility of the BM and MOH. Traditionally, female family members like your sisters, aunt, grandmother, or cousins, and same in groom's family, and any good friend of yours not in the wedding ( but invited) can throw either a shower or bachelorette. Your MOH can contact others to say, I , MOH, would like to do a (shower, bachelorette) , and wonder if you would like to plan and host the party with me? If someone says yeas, they do it. If not, MOH does it, or there is no party. But MOH should not be telling you who is not interested in giving you a party, that is not good manners. Traditionally brides and grooms usually have one party, for an afternoon or an evening. You want a shower and a bachelorette, a recent phenomenon, and you want an overnight or 2 day event for bach. party. Others have to want to give you this gift of time , effort, and money, and many can. You should not be involved until or unless someone like MOH has plans with cohosts, and approaches you with plans someone has offered to do. Tell her you do not want her reporting to you everyone not interested, and you need to stop thinking BM rather than other family or friends, ought to do this for you. It is not a job responsibility.

"I'm just perplexed that they can't even spare a couple hundred dollar to do something nice for me." This may be the single more selfish sentence I've heard in a long time. While I don't think $200 is a lot of money compared to some, there are certainly times when I couldn't swing that - even since I've had a full time job. And I'd love to know where you live to know where a winery tour (likely buying a glass or two after at the winery), dinner (with drinks most likely), and hotel room would end up being $200/person much less adding the cost of the shower in to that. They probably realize that this cost you are giving them is completely unrealistic and know it will be close to double, if not more, than what you are thinking. I would also be a little put off if I was told 'Here's what we are doing, this is the cost' if I were in a bridal party. It usually is much more 'Hey, here are some ideas, what do people think? What do people want to do?' and the bride really never plans parties for herself.

It doesn't sound like you're being reasonable or understanding. It's not your bridesmaids responsibility to pay for events for you and it's not your place to judge how they spend their own money. I can't imagine saying "my best friend has a job, I can't believe she doesn't have a couple hundred dollars to spend on me...on top of what she's already spending on my wedding." Done properly, your MOH should have asked your bridesmaids what their budget was before making plans and you shouldn't even be involved. I would apologize to your friends for setting your expectations of them so high and handling it in such a rude manner.

View Quoted Comment Agree with this.

You should not be planning your bachelorette or shower. If the bridesmaids or family choose to throw you one that’s wonderful, if not, you don’t have one. And a couple hundred dollars to you may not be a lot, but to others it’s a ton. I personally would not be able to randomly drop $200 to go to an event. While it is nice of you to pay for their dresses, that’s not required, and neither are any prewedding events. They just need to be there the day of in the required attire. I’ve already let my fiancé know to let his best man know that my brother will not be able to attend any bachelor party type event. It’s just not feasible for some. Go with those who can participate and enjoy.

Lol these comments. I planned my own co-ed bachelorette\Bachelor weekend to Toronto. First I figured out what it would all cost and the dates. Then I did a group chat asking all my girls if this price range and idea was good with them. Fiancé did the same with his guys. Everyone was all for it. Airbnb was $123 pp and then I figured maybe another +$200 for food based on whatever people want to eat. There’s only 2 people who need to get their passports and one decided not to go because of that and the other already applied.

I’ve made everything super reasonable for my girls. I found their dresses in store for only $45 and they all tried them and loved them, I’m paying for the alterations to get a slit put in a few dresses that don’t already have one, I also found $20 shoes that I would like them to wear. I bought all the dresses and they were supposed to pay me back, I think everyone forgot and I’m not going to remind them lol.

Im getting 2 bridal showers. One my MOH is throwing me and another my bridesmaid (eldest sister) is throwing. All I can say is wow these girls really care about me and are so happy for me!

If I were your bridesmaids I would drop out of doing professional makeup and allocate that money for your bachelorette and Bridal shower. And if I didn’t like the price I would offer other ideas not just ignore you. I think the way they are handling is rude. Just speak up we’re all adults here. Also don’t think you should get called selfish for expecting your nearest and dearest to allocate a small amount of money to celebrating you but maybe you shouldn’t say it like that lol I understand to some $200 might be a lot but what did they expect when they agreed to being in the BP that they’d have to spend $0?

View Quoted Comment I’m sorry I think you misunderstood the situation. I haven not been the one directly contacting anyone. My MOH came to me and asked me what i’d Like to do and I gave her a few ideas. She then reached out and asked the other bridesmaids without me knowing and she asked to discuss options based on everyone’s budget. She did not say specifics of what to do. Everyone has the right to speak up if they cannot afford certain things or don’t wanna spend money on certain things. I’m perfectly fine without any party at all. I know it’s a nice bonus. It’s just the lack of effort to communicate with MOH came off as if they don’t care enough to do it. I’m happy with paying for part of it too. The money part I understand people ain’t gonna just have money laying around. I’m talking this event happening 4-5 months from now. Plenty of time for us to work something out that makes the most sense.

View Quoted Comment I’m sorry I was typing this super late last night so I didn’t go into details. My MOH did ask about budget and offered a few ideas of what to do based on my interests. She also asked everyone that they would be planning together she didn’t come to them with a plan already made. They didn’t seem to want to do anything at all. I didn’t know that this was going on until she came to me. I am perfectly fine not having a party at all or even paying for some of it. I’m simply just seeking for advice on where to go but I don’t think I have done anything to offend my bridesmaids at this point.

So much to unpack here. I'll start by saying, I have been in 3 bridal parties, 2 as a MOH. I will say that upon accepting that honor I knew there were going to be costs involved and I was fortunate enough to know far in advance and put money aside for dress, make-up/hair, bachelorette, showers, gifts, travel, etc. When I've had that honor bestowed upon me I took it upon myself to make those financial contributions. And lets be honest, it is typically expected as that is tradition in our culture.

Now I'm the bride. My MOH and BM are throwing my fiance and I a "stock the bar party". So FH's GM are also pitching in for that party since it's a couples party. My girls are also throwing me a Bachelorette, they did ask what I would like to do and I told them. I'm paying for my portion of the hotel and I also expect to pay for drinks and food that night.

I'm grateful for what they are doing. In 2 of the 3 weddings I was a part of I could not attend the bachelorette party as it was too much of a financial burden. I don't like the whole "can't they afford to spend 200 to do something nice for me" mentality. Maybe they can't and that is OK. It doesn't mean they don't care about you, it doesn't mean they are not excited for you. You just never know what people have going on in their lives. When I accepted the honor of being a MOH I fully expected too be able to attend the bachelorette, then things happened and I couldn't. I contributed what I could and had to call it a day.

Well.... I can see both sides to this quandary.

As someone who's been in and to a ton of weddings prior to now finally having my own.... it's expensive. And it doesnt really matter if its $200 or $1200... any time investment or financial investment your "friends" are willing to make is special.

Let them decide what they can do. I feel your role is to just be grateful and gracious no matter the outcome. Or perhaps... pick friends that value the same things as you and think like you.

Personally... my BM asked me point blank what I would prefer to do, because I am traditionally the "whatever anyone wants I'm happy" girl. She forced me to say what I would like. And she is making that happen. I have no place in the details nor the planning. And if what I said doesnt come to pass... oh well. Someone was thoughtful enough to ask and coordinate something to honor me.... and that makes me feel grateful.


More importantly, I know the people standing up in my wedding are supportive of my future marriage and are going to be there for me when times get tough in my marriage. And are going to celebrate my blessings in my marriage. That's what their role is.... not to party with me. If you pick your people based upon values you share.... the details really dont matter for something like this.

In my opinion.

View Quoted Comment I think that’s very generous of you to cover the BM dresses.

But the overnight bridal party sounds too much for them. Go back to your MOH and ask her to propose other ideas. Why not just an afternoon winery tour (driver by Uber or a rented shuttle)? Or a nice brunch or dinner at that winery? If the BMs STILL are silent though, I’d reach out to each to see if they’re interested in being a BM or would prefer being a guest. They may be strapped for cash or time but they should be excited to do something for you as a shower/party!

Since wedding party members don't have to plan or participate in any pre-wedding events, your expectations are unreasonable. If anyone at all, wedding party member or not, chooses to plan/participate in these events that is a wonderful, lovely, generous gift.

If I were in their position, I probably wouldn't want to shell out $200, plus alterations, plus makeup (for those who are hiring), plus the cost of the party. It adds up very quickly and even though I have a full time job, I don't always just have money to throw around.

For a bridal shower - that cost adds up. They have to send out invites, typically they get snacks/drinks and decoration. If they have to rent a location to have the shower.

I suggested for my bach party to just do something simple and cost effective. My idea was a paint party (about $30 pp) or something low key, then get two joining rooms or an AirBnB for the night and have a slumber party. That would consist of everyone chipping in for a place to sleep (nothing fancy, just enough sleeping area), ordering pizza, watching terrible TV and just chatting because I wanted to spend time with them.

It really depends on the person. I know a lot of people that have full time jobs but $200 would be a HUGE deal to spend. For me, it wouldn't be a huge deal but my fiance and I have higher incomes than some people making $15 an hour. Can you give them the option to do one or the other? Or make it cheaper?

View Quoted Comment

I'm with you, Nell. My MOH lives 10+ hours away and is a full time Physician Assistant student. She has asked about my bachelorette party requests but I honestly expect to plan a co-ed weekend myself like you mentioned because she doesn't have time to take that on.

I plan a lot of get-togethers and vacations anyways (and enjoy it) so I don't see anything wrong with planning a fun casual weekend with our friends before we get married. No one will be required to come or pay for us and it will probably be at a lake - CHEAP lol. Some people see that as poor taste but I think it just depends on your crowd.

So many friends and family members complain about dropping $1,000+ because they were in a wedding and I don't want the same for mine. I'm honestly just grateful for any time or extra effort my bridal party wants to give to us beyond the wedding day!

Sometimes I think what happens is people say what their budget is, but when it actually comes around to ponying up that money, it can be difficult or challenging. These people who aren't responding might be embarrassed or ashamed to say they cannot afford it (and there is no reason for them to feel that way!!), so that might explain the silence. Money is hard to talk about. It can be really hard for those struggling financially to be around others who don't seem to have any trouble with money, so they go along with it and say they can do things they cannot afford to do until it is time to come up with the money, or they think several months down the line they will have the money somehow. The silence likely is not disinterest in your wedding. My advice would be to circle back to the MOH and have her make suggestions that are more affordable.