Bridesmaids Decisions

I would try to call #5 and see if she is still planning on being in the wedding or not. Don't replace her without having a conversation about it first, unless you want to guarantee the end of your friendship.

View Quoted Comment See I have been calling and texting her for two months to check on her. I’ve seen a couple of post of hers on social media.

Honestly, I would just text her with something like "I would really like to have you as part of my wedding, but we have a few deadlines coming up and I need to hear back from you ASAP. If this isn't something you're comfortable with, please let me know. There will be no hard feelings if you would rather not be a bridesmaid".

View Quoted Comment I like that!

View Quoted Comment So, how long should I wait if there’s no response to call it a quits.

I mean if it's already been two months of trying to get in contact with her, I would give her maybe two days to respond. At that point, it's more hassle than anything to keep her as part of the bridal party, especially as you get closer to your date.

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I also like PP's way of saying it.. I would give her a week after that message. That way she can't use a "too busy" excuse

View Quoted Comment Update: I sent her that message yesterday and she has since posted on social media 3 more times. I think that qualifies as she’s ignoring me.

Maybe instead of changing bridesmaids you need to change your mindset about bridesmaids. These are supposed to be the people closest to you, whom you cannot imagine getting married without having by your side. They shouldn't be interchangeable place holders in order to fill an arbitrary number quota.

You shouldn't have replaced your first bridesmaid, and you shouldn't be worrying about replacing this one either. You probably shouldn't have chosen her - she wasn't a first choice, and you only asked her because someone else dropped out - but you have, so you need to relax or risk ruining the friendship for good. She hasn't responded to your texts in almost two months - is that unusual for her? If so, why aren't you worried about her? She might be very busy, dealing with stuff, extremely stressed out; reach out to her and check in as a friend (not as bride to bridesmaid). If that level of communication is not unusual for your friendship or she's typically bad about responding, why would you expect that to change because you're getting married next year?

As a bridesmaid all she needs to do is get the dress and show up. If your wedding is in April, your bridesmaids don't really need to order their dresses in October. They also do not need to order them all together, in person. (Dye lots are not a thing anymore now that computers do the mixing, but bridal shops want people to order early and all together, from them, for their sales quotas.) Just make sure she has the dress info and let her get it on her own time in the next 8-9 months.

View Quoted Comment Hi Vicky,
Thank you so much for replying and I appreciate your opinion. Although I don’t agree with it, I respect it. Have a wonderful day!

View Quoted Comment Also, I’d like to reply to a few points.
1. I have been worried about her and the only text I sent her about the wedding was yesterday EVERY single text and call I have reached out to her was a friend to make sure she was doing. First of all.
2. The particular dresses I have for this wedding need to be and I was giving that by the general manager and the person who controls ordering that they need to be order by OCTOBER. Otherwise, I wouldn’t care. They take four months to make and an extra month in alterations.
3. I have a few things to prepare he for date wise so that she and all my other bridesmaid had enough time to pay and prepare for these events that are gearing up towards the end of the year.
4. I do know that they don’t need to be ordered together. For my wedding my preference was to have five bridesmaids. So for my wedding there will be. So regardless of your harsh tone and lack of knowledge that’s going on over here I was really nice and genuine in that message and always have been. If she’s going through something I’d love to know. But Do Not come at me. You need to chill.

Again have a be a wonderful day.

View Quoted Comment After reading Vicky’s reply, I don’t believe she’s “coming at you”. There are a lot of brides who think of their bridesmaids more as props than people and who need to reset their expectations of them. Obviously we only know as much as you’ve posted, so I’m quite sure she was coming from a place of genuine concern for your bridesmaid. Social media and media in general (movies, tv shows, etc.) have given our society unrealistic expectations of the people in wedding parties and we often need reminders that while this day is one of the most important in our lives, it’s not the same for wedding party members. It’s hard to convey tone through text, but as a 3rd party, nothing she stated was overly critical. Best of luck with your bridesmaid.

I like annmarie and amber's suggestion. Reach out again, but i would say give her a week.
The last thing you need is to stress about bridesmaids being unreachable when you need them.

View Quoted Comment Thank you Christina! That’s really what I was concern about. One her to make sure she was okay. And two that point you made. I’ve called and texted more than 6 times in almost two months but she’s posted on social media 4+ times. Like where is she going to be when I actually need her.

One reason so many including me hate the re me fad of proposal boxes or gifts, when first asking bridesmaids, if because it is hard to not say yes, even if you have a conflict, cannot possibly afford the time or the money, or just don't want to do it. You do not have your master calendar if events in the next 2 years, or any time to check with your relatives or SO or SO relatives about upcoming events, without a week or more of time, sometimes. Presents make you feel guilty about saying no. So many people say yes. Then check, and find they cannot do it. And if you tell brides, I will have to get back to you, presents already given, some throw a hissy fit, and up it comes, what, I am not good enough, or the b presents not good enough . Been there, done that, multiple times. And often a bride turned down after an acceptance gets angry. Or is humiliated. Fear that now you are upset, and you might not want to hear from her, may be why she is out of touch. Waiting for an over the from you to say it is okay, you are not mad . It is best to ask each one of BM privately, with an expectation that it may take a week or so to check for conflicts. . . . Only 1 BM, could be worse. I was invited to dinner by a friend, not told she was inviting a group. Surprise, a fancy restaurant dinner, champagne and presents. And 5 of 5 of us had conflicts and had to say no. B to be had hysterics. So however you are feeling about #5, be kind and realize you really put her on the spot. And make an overture that says, I understand. And we are still friends.

Dress orders: salons like to get as many dress orders in advance, far before necessary, as do manufacturers. So they give far in advance timelines. But as anyone who has done it many times can tell you, except for all custom design BM dresses ( paying over $500 each?), Bridesmaid dresses come in 2 weeks to 8 weeks after ordering, occasionally 10 weeks. 2.5 months, max. Which means no need to order before 4 months out. The closer to wedding day people are fitted, the less likely they are to change 15 pounds, or get pregnant, and need $180-225 in alterations, about doubling the cost for a dress. BM who end up paying hundreds extra always blame the bride who told them to order to soon. And unless you want to pick up the extra few hundred percent dress that no longer fits ( you don't) you really should let them be measured and order after Christmas. Depending g on the maker ( ask on a thread here) some you can order til mid February, and still have weeks for hemming. So maybe back off on asking BM to order by October.

View Quoted Comment Honestly, I have no problem with her saying she can’t be in the wedding. The first #5 was a graduation gift along with me asking. I wasn’t upset she couldn’t because she told me the circumstances behind it. Also she’s 17, and really wanted to be in the wedding. But college is coming up. I understand. The second one I asked her without the box two weeks before I gave the box. I literally am the most calm about it. I would rather them say they can’t upfront. I’m totally okay. And even still I’m not taking the gift back. I tailored and made them specifically for them. If anything it turn from a proposal box to a random I want you to have this gift. And I also asked everyone individually at different times. There seriously has been no pressure.

View Quoted Comment Agreed, this is exactly what I would say!

View Quoted Comment They are getting there dress at David’s bridal. Their dress are apart of this or the last season which means if they try to order their dress after October there is a chance the dresses won’t be there. Their dress range from 125-165 dollars. I called and normal alterations are between 40-100 dollars. Everyone has been relatively the same size since I’ve known them except one. She just had a baby and told me she not ordering until the deadline which I have no problem with. I was told how long each of their dress take to make it between 3.5-4 months. They order by October 4 months means they will be here by February. I don’t expect them to get them tailored right away but the store located by me is busy. Alterations there take about four weeks. Meaning March at the earliest.

It’s your wedding in which your friends and family should make sure you have everything you need. Obviously you asked #5 to be your bridesmaid because she’s someone special to you however, you going out your way to send a proposal and not to get a reply shows the person she really was to begin with. She may be going through something but true friends communicate and as I mentioned it’s your wedding, your big day, tour next chapter and if #5 is not being compliant it’s time to move on.