Bridesmaid leaving early to go to another wedding

I understand why you're upset! I'd be really hurt if this happened to me, because it puts off the impression that you're not important enough to commit the whole day to....like I would get it if it was her family member's wedding or something along that nature, but if it's just a friend then I would feel like she was going JUST to see her ex. I could be reading into it wrong though, but that's how I feel.

If she's been a bad friend recently and this isn't the first incident, then I'd let that be known to her. She may not know that she's been neglecting you as a friend and that leaving your wedding to go to another one hurts you deeply. I wouldn't give her an ultimatum though, but rather just sit her down and let her know how you feel, especially if you've felt like you've been put on the backburner for a long time now.

I think you are being a bit demanding and unrealistic in this situation. As you said, she has friends besides you. I think it is rather controlling, selfish and rude to demand she not attend another friend’s wedding. She is fulfilling her duty as a bridesmaid by showing up to your wedding on time and in the attire required, and is staying for photos. She will also be staying for part of your reception. If I were in your situation, I would be incredibly thankful of how courteous and considerate she is being.

I'd say as long as she is fulfilling her bridesmaid duties, such as getting ready with you, taking bridal party photos, standing up with you at the ceremony, giving a speech, whatever they may be, then after that she is kind of "released" back to being a regular guest. A regular guest would be given the freedom to head out early to go to bed, go to other obligations, etc so she should be given that courtesy as well.

I understand that your feelings are hurt, but as long as she is there for your pictures and your ceremony, I would let her go. By that point, she would have stood up next to you as you said I do, and that's the entire point of being a bridesmaid. Forget the ex, I'm not sure why he matters, but I don't blame her for wanting to celebrate with both of her friends. And honestly, there's a pretty good chance that you really wouldn't be seeing her much once the reception starts anyway.

Once the ceremony and pictures are over, there's nothing she really NEEDS to do. Sure it'd be nice to stay the whole time, but it's not required of anyone to stay at your reception for a long time. I would just let it go and not say anything to her. You will look like the bad guy.

View Quoted Comment

I agree with this and also I would caution you to really think about the possible results of the ultimatum you are planning to deliver. You might lose/damage the friendship forever.

I understand being disappointed she won't, "stand by the bride on the (whole) day of her wedding," but you need to decide which is more important: her friendship to your life as a whole, or having her be present for a few extra hours on one day.

I think it would be important to add that she is friends with this other couple through her ex and was invited to their wedding before they broke up as a plus one. My other bridesmaids are the ones telling me to say something because we are all in the same friend group. I don't care about the pictures as most of you keep saying are the important thing to stay for. It's that all of our friend group and her parents will be at my wedding and she would have to leave before the meal to make it to the other wedding on time. I think my hurt feelings are justified and if that makes me " controlling, selfish, and rude" I guess I am? Thank you to everyone else who offered their polite insight. I agree that once the ceremony ends and the reception starts everyone can do as they please and their duties are fulfilled. Also, as pointed out, I probably won't notice once she has left so I shouldn't make it a big deal.

View Quoted Comment

I definitely think your feelings are valid and you have every right to be hurt. Sit down with her before the wedding day and express your concern without any ultimatum so she is aware of your side. While I agree with others that it’s expected for her to have other friends, it seems fishy that she is so concerned about her ex, but some people don’t move on after a break up, and if others are seeing what she doesn’t, then there’s an issue. I wouldn’t destroy your friendship over it.

The reason many are talking about photos is that is the only memento you have of the day because memories do fade.

"I think it would be important to add that she is friends with this other couple through her ex and was invited to their wedding before they broke up as a plus one."

This is the piece that makes a difference to me. If she was friends with the couple, then I could see her being in a difficult position and could *potentially* justify her leaving (although I'd still prioritize the wedding I was an actual bridesmaid in...) but if it's true her relationship with the couple is through her ex, then at worst she's going to stir up drama, and at best she's just going to look desperate. If y'all have other mutual friends in your BP, I'd encourage them to encourage her not to go because I think she'll end up regretting it.

I think you’re worrying about this unnecessarily. Your wedding is still a while away. If she really was only friends with this other couple because of her ex, hopefully by the time your wedding comes around she’ll have moved on with her life and she won’t want to go. Right now she’s probably hurting from her breakup. You said she hasn’t been a good friend lately, but she’s going through something that’s really hurtful and who knows how bad things got before they broke up.

View Quoted Comment Just because she met this couple through her ex doesn't mean she needs to stop being friends with them because they broke up. It's pretty judgemental to think that she is either going to look desperate or stir up drama.

View Quoted Comment My impression was that she wasn't friends with them because OP said she was invited as a +1, which I took to mean meant that she wasn't invited on her own.

You are overreacting to this. You are deciding who your friend can and can’t/is and isn’t friends with, but that isn’t really for you to decide. Just because she met these people through her ex doesn’t mean she can’t continue to be friends with them and want to celebrate their wedding. I find it interesting that you are so concerned that your bridesmaid won’t be there for your entire reception when really you should be focused on your new spouse at that point. Who cares where your friends are during the reception?


I’m also curious how she’s been a bad friend to you lately. It sounds like she may have been going through some tough stuff with her breakup. Have you checked in with her to see if she’s doing ok?

It is hard to make a decision without knowing the people involved, however I am also advising you sit down and talk without giving ultimatums. If she broke up with a "longtime boyfriend" and these were friends she met through him, they might be people she has known for a long time. Yes, you should tell her the idea of her leaving before diner upsets you. Yes, you should check and see if she is ok or if she is going through something else you don't know about. Yes, if she has "hasn't been a good friend lately" you need to tell her that and specifically what she is doing that makes you think that way. Good luck. Try to see things from her perspective and not to let the stress of the wedding fan your emotions.

For bridal party, generally you consider yourself part of the bridal party for all of the ceremony, plus about 3 hours, (4 hours commitment minimum.) Or, the first 2 of dinner unless they are widely separated. Then, Ceremony only.
Many a GM or BM I have known have had to leave for children, care of parents, other weddings and ceremonies ( graduations, christenings).Unfortunately, so many people ask bridal party too far in advance before you even know that your own sister, brother, or closest friend, are getting married or have set a date. So the choice is to quit at 6 to ten months, a year after being asked. Or be at the ceremony plus pics, and intros before dinner, then quietly leave, as those with very young children or long travel must do. They are not under contract for 8 and 10 hour days. Forget hours and hour of dancing or after parties, or cleanup, if they have a genuine conflict.

She'll be there for everything she needs to be. Unless you were planning on hanging out with her for the entire reception (which if you're honest wouldn't be possible and pretty weird, actually), she's not doing anything "wrong" or "rude" at all. Let it go, and don't mention it to her unless you want to wreck the friendship.

View Quoted Comment Unpopular opinion: you agree to be a bridesmaid/groomsman, you agree to be there for the entire day unless an emergency comes up. If you have kids, you get a babysitter. Your job is to be there for the couple. This other wedding is not an emergency.

View Quoted Comment Bride here says that bridesmaid accepted going to the other wedding first. when her boyfriend was in it. Bride knew it. Bride wants to say that it was all because of the boyfriend, being his plus one. But now they are broken up, and she is still friends enough for the couple, and for her, to consider her invitation still for her, not a plus one. ( that stuff on only a p+1 comes from other friends, not bm and not the couple .) Where I come from, if you accept an invitation to a wedding first,, and another bride asks you to be in her wedding knowing you are accepting that invitation still for later in the day, bride cannot change things later and say, well since you broke up with your boyfriend, the rest of our friend set ( and bride) think you should drop wedding one, the first wedding accepted, and just come to mine. Bride has no standing to decide BM should drop the first wedding she accepted. Bride knew about the other wedding, and says so. And now wants to change the rules. " to add that she is friends with this other couple through her ex and was invited to their wedding before they broke up as a plus one. My other bridesmaids are the ones telling me to say something because we are all in the same friend group" ..... Bride knew and accepted bm going to the other wedding when boyfriend was involved, and still wanted her. she cannot pull that away saying you must drop the first wedding . This bride is out of line expecting bm to drop other friend previously accepted........
BM is staying to do the wedding and pictures, then leave early to go to the first wedding accepted, as bride ageed to when she first asked and was told about the first wedding. Or BM skips this bride's wedding, and just goes to the other couple's wedding. But she does not drop the first wedding she accepted. And I have never heard such hash as a bride thinking a bridesmaid will drop a previously accepted wedding because her " friend group" thinks she should. What garbage.

.... In general, when there are conflicts, being in the wedding party is contingent on B as well as bm doing as agreed, not some mythical forever. Bride wanted knowing she would go to the other wedding. Not fair to say, you cannot go on your own, when invitation is still there, still accepted. .... And I have been in a huge number of weddings where bride has said, lets work something out. I want you for the prewedding things and the ceremony . After that, it your relatives, or your long paid for vacation, or a new or young or sick baby is involved, or simply work far away. the B makes an agreement. You cannot always change the other thing, or get a babysitter. Most all the time, the bride chooses having 1 or 2 bridesmaids just through the ceremony, then going, to not having them at all.And ALWAYS accepts that if they accepted another invitation first, they will honor that first. ... A lot of guests go to the ceremony only, especially when there is a break, and more WP than you likely realize do only the ceremony, by agreement with B or G, or because they made their other commitments first.

View Quoted Comment To each their own.


I think it would be hella weird to go to a wedding where I was my ex boyfriend’s plus one. I would nope out of that wedding unless I was a close personal friend or family member and it doesn’t sound like that’s the case.
Obviously circumstances are different in every scenario but it’s rude to accept being a bridesmaid if you won’t be available the entire day. That was my whole post point.

View Quoted Comment And my point is that if bride and prospective B to be talk about conflicts, and as with this bride who accepted that her BM already had a commitment, and asked her anyways, which meant she would leave early, that is like a contract: both sides should keep their part. Not one bride and a bunch of girlfriends decide that because of BM lovelife she will decide to stay away from a wedding she has already accepted, first.