Bridesmaid Issue (long)

View Quoted Comment THIS^^^^^^

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She has two kids and is in an on and off relationship. And we don't talk at all so I'm not sure what I should as her for advice on. I think that may be to random.

Yes I will be 3 weeks pp at wedding.

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She started her meds and therapy in April I believe but did nothing proactive prior to that / after October, so its is very recent.

I have not asked them to do anything and there has been nothing for them to show up too. I have not asked for advise or opinions on venues, etc. Nor were any of them there when I went dress shopping or anything. So when I say they have had to do nothing, I really mean that. She did go once with her parents to see the venue but that was her own thing she did. All of my bridesmaids are in another state so I have done everything alone / with fiancé.

Yea Im sure that things can change but Im also sure it may take longer then until the wedding for things to feel comfortable, relaxed, and natural again.

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Yeah that is pretty recent. Her situation will be a journey. And while I am encouraging you to speak with her genuinely and openly, you also have to prioritize your own life at the same time. If you aren't requiring them to do anything, I don't see the harm in including her in your wedding. It is very unlikely that she's going to be able to figure her situation out before then.

I still think having that conversation is important. You never know what's happening inside her head, why she's been acting this way, or what her deal is. It could be that she in unhappy in her situation and doesn't feel that she will be her best self on that day. If it would be a weight of both of your shoulders for her to not participate in the wedding party, then that should be vocalized.

I'm not a big fan of putting on a big smile for show. I've had someone be *super nice* to me in a similar situation and it all just felt so fake. It honestly made me sick. So I think for your sake and hers... be genuine. You can't control her, and you can't force her to get further help. If you are genuine, then no matter what her response, you'll be okay.

Another piece of advice: Think about her actions and research a bit. Find an article that talks about signs of depression, narcissism, anxiety... see if you can place her in a way. I know this sounds clinical, but I have done this and it is amazing to put someone's actions to science. It can help you communicate with her and understand her actions. (disclaimer: don't go around diagnosing people if you aren't at that level of trust with them. definitely a bad idea.) It has helped me to separate what I am responsible for and what's caused by another person's brain chemistry. It could help you decide if she truly is someone who needs help, or if she is a toxic person who you need to distance yourself from.

View Quoted Comment Love this advice!

Before I dismissed her as a bridesmaid I would try to figure out whats actually going on with her. Try to talk to her directly with a "are you ok" approach, and/or talk to her mother. Its sounds like her behavior shifted quickly and with out an apparent antecedent, which is a red flag. Also, apathy can be part of depression. This may not be anything personal, intentional, or something she can control, and she may need help or support if depression is a factor.

So I apologize in advance if I accidentally made multiple posts, there was a computer-user error.

I would encourage you to think about this as objectively as possible. You discussed different types of therapy with her, she entered psychotherapy, and was receiving medication management of symptoms. So assuming there is a mental health component , and using depression as an illustrative example:

With anhedonia and apathy couldn't "i just dont care" actually be a rather honest EXPLANATION for her behavior? Reasons and Excuses are different. If there is a social isolation component, couldn't it make sense why it took so long for her to be responsive to text/calls or give any type of apology? It sounds like she did give one, even if it wasn't as timely or emotionally potent as you may have expected, but does that invalidate it altogether? Is it possible that she wasn't able to meet those expectations at the time? What you feel, and what you are able to express dont always go hand in hand. As a side note, where there is guilt can't there also be avoidance?

The decisions you make now can have an impact on your future relationship and her current functioning. Treatment response is variable and longitudinal, not immediate. Consider how what you do now may impact things when she is functioning differently affectively, cognitively, and behaviorally. I agree with you that it is not healthy to let toxicity impact your well-being, that is a self-care issue. However, many times you can be compassionate without enabling toxicity. You can't make her receive additional treatment, and that is likely a personal role you really don't want to take on as a family member. But you can still be supportive.

Think objectively: is this the right time and reason to kick her out of the bridal party? It sounds like your BP don't have many requirements. Is it possible that she will be able to stand with you the day of, and if she isn't how major would that actually be? In my opinion an uneven BP is no big deal, you can easily work around it. If you MUST have her resign for your own mental well-being, can you do it in a way that allows her to "elect" to step down with dignity, rather than feeling "fired" or dismissed? It sounds like you have some time to make this decision, but if/when you do act I would try to make it an objective/compassionate response, rather than an emotional reaction that will ignite drama. Wish you all the Best! Congrats and Good Luck!

I agree with a lot of the comments that it seems like she is battling with a mental illness, such as depression. As someone who has been there, I think it's reasonable for you to reach out to her and just let her know that you are there if she ever needs to talk to someone.
As for her being a bridesmaid, think about your life 10 or 15 years down the road. Where do you see you're relationship with her? Before any of this happened, where did you see your relationship with her? Remember that she is going to be family whether you have her in your wedding or not, but with that being said, I'd be careful not to burn any bridges.

Idk the sister's situation but that sounds like ME a few years ago. I had been in an abusive relationship and was secluded from everyone. My cousin got engaged and asked me to be an attendant. I was mad that I wasn't a bridesmaid at the time. Then I left my bf and she got married on our anniversary. I just didn't want anything to do with anyone. I was severely depressed and told her I just wanted to be a guest. Looking back at pics, I'm like WTF was I thinking. I was so depressed that I looked like absolute crap at her wedding (still had to be in family pics). Maybe she has some issues going on. It's not wrong for you to not want her as a bridesmaid with everything that's happened, but maybe also try to think about what's really going on. Best of luck!!!

While I don't have any advice about SIL other than what's already been said, I wanted to ask if you were planning to have your newborn at the wedding and really encourage you not to.


Babies are really at high risk of contracting illnesses in general, but especially in their first two months of life before their immunizations. It sounds like your wedding is in the winter which is peak viral season. Please please reconsider bringing your baby if that was your plan. Babies really should not be around a lot of people in those two months. If you baby gets sick from a guest and develops a fever, you're buying yourself a trip to the ER, blood, urine tests and a spinal tap, and at least 48 hours of hospitalization.

If that wasn't your plan, disregard above.