Bridesmaid Issue (long)

Just not caring about anything or anyone is a sign of depression. Has anyone checked to see if she's having any issues like that?

Who cares if it’s unliked or rude, I would not want her in my wedding party making everyone uncomfortable. You said she was asked pretty much just cause she’s his sister. Doesn’t sound like you’re all that close so I would just “dismiss” her and be done. I feel like you as the bride can only handle so much, and only want to handle so much! I see nothing wrong with being done with her as a bridesmaid. You don’t deserve that negative girl.

View Quoted Comment This. Mental illness is no joke.

I would definitely be the one to speak up and ask her what she's been going through. Those are signs of depression and the fact that no one in the family has said something is also concerning.

I'd ask her how she's been feeling and tell her how it's made you feel. You can give her the out if she doesn't feel up to the task or has her own things going on but I wouldn't "fire" her.

Does she have a mental disorder that might be causing this behavior? Have you ever personally reached out to her or invitees her to lunch or anything ? Maybe its also a jealousy thing. You need to talk to her personally in order to determine if this is going to work or not. There is also a possibility that she is being forced into this and would prefer no t to be involved

I can't imagine dealing with that on my wedding day. What I would do, before permanently damaging the relationship, is call or visit her and have a frank discussion and see if the problem can be resolved. Maybe there is something she just doesn't know how to bring up. Some people are not good at that. If that doesn't resolve things, I'd have no issue suggesting she bow out, since a person behaving like that in your wedding party will be a nightmare for you.

I agree, it sounds like depression.

I understand you're highly frustrated, I would be too! I would get her alone and ask her if she's okay. Tell her all wedding things aside, you did notice the change in her behavior and want to make sure she's okay. Tell her she can trust you with anything, she can come to you for a shoulder to cry on. She can come to you for a non-judgemental space about anything, because you want to make sure she's okay.

Don't mention anything wedding at first. Let it be known your focus is on her, not making sure she's "fixed" for the wedding day.

I would give her the opportunity to bow it. Maybe have the conversation 1 on 1 over coffee. Say something like, you don’t seem very into the wedding stuff, are you sure you want to stand up there? If it comes out as her idea then you are scotch free

I think the mother has spoken to her about these things but I have never seen any of it. What I mean by that, is in the moment where she is rude, ignores you, says something rude no one says "hey, don't be rude ....." Its always something just ignored and no one stood up/defended themselves, so I felt I couldn't. In December, I bought her daughter a ton of clothes for Christmas and she was very rude to me because I didn't buy her what she told me to buy her. I stood up for myself and told her that "I didn't appreciate her being rude towards me when I spent my own money and time to buy her daughter gifts". After that, the mother told me I was wrong for doing that!!!! Thats how passive they are. I was wrong for telling her not to be rude to me.... I couldn't believe it.

I have spoken with her about this in October-ish when she was still being fairly cordial and I have even given her my advice/personal experiences with it all. I also, helped her understand the differ types of therapy and doctors that could be useful to her (I'm currently getting my Degree in Psych). When she apologized she said she started meds and seeing a therapist, which has been helping her. I still don't feel that excuses everything that has occurred for months. Depression is a real thing that looks different on everyone but I don't feel its okay for her to just excuse all her behavior towards us and my family with "I just didn't care".

I think I would maybe feel less like this if she genuinely wanted to apologize. It took her over a month to apologize to us when all we kept hearing through the telephone game was that she wanted too. And during this time, we were at her house! Nothing, not even a text saying "hey im really busy now but can we talk soon" NOTHING. To me, thats not a person who really feels guilty and wants to make amends.

It sounds like his mother is covering for her daughter, and making excuses for her immature behavior. I'd just put your foot down, she's a grown up and shouldn't be speaking through her mother. I'd send her a text, email, or call her and just let her know she isn't in your bridal party. I can't imagine with her behavior she would want to be anyway.

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Thats exactly how I feel. His mother is ALWAYS defending her no matter what she does. And I partially get it, thats her daughter but its amazing the defending level it has gotten too. There is no true accountability and I don't know if she truly treats her that way or just defend the daughter to us but then holds her accountable (if I had to guess I would say she doesn't).

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If she is struggling with mental illness, then I think it's very selfish of you to say that she didn't apologize to you enough or the way you wanted or anything like that. People with mental illness aren't themselves. Do we have to let them harm us? No, but you said she TOLD YOU she was seeking mental health services and medication. She is acknowledging that there is an issue. You do know that medications don't magically fix you overnight and then everything is great, right? Some people take many months of medication and therapy to heal and get back to being more like themselves. I feel like you are taking the "it's my day" to an extreme. She told you she was struggling a long time ago, you kept expecting her to just function normally anyway. She apologizes and you say it wasn't genuine enough, soon enough.... I think some compassion is warranted. It's not like you had no idea things were going on.

"To me, thats not a person who really feels guilty and wants to make amends."

So she isn't feeling guilty enough either? Maybe you could write her a script for how to appropriately ask for forgiveness so you will accept it.

How old is this girl? Just wondering for context.

Also I agree with pps that I would just be honest with her. I would say something like “we’d love for you to be part of our wedding but it doesn’t seem like you really want to be part of it” and see where the conversation goes from there. Either she’ll act like she doesn’t care (and then you can just kindly say “ok, well we’d still love for you to attend but you don’t have to be in the wedding party”) or she’ll start acting like she cares. Tell her the truth and leave it up to her!

I think it is so hard when it is family. Does she really need to do anything other than wear the dress and show up on time? If not, just let it be and if she shows great and if not, whatever. It sounds like a one sided relationship and there’s not much you can do. I personally wouldn’t “kick her out” for simply being absent and rude since she is family. If she harassed you or threatened you it would be different, but I feel like it might create MORE drama if you kick her out. If she is dealing with depression this would also be a kick when she is down (not that her behavior is an excuse). If she is not responding to your attempts to speak with her there is also not much you can do.

I am also of the opinion that life is too short for bad company. I do not "kick" people out of my life who are negative, but I have actively stopped trying to be a support for people who just drain me. With family I have come to realize that I have a tolerance of what I can handle and what I cannot and I just leave part of my life separate because I don't want to deal with their negativity. Sometimes it helps when we lower our expectations.

My FH’s sister is also one of my bridesmaids. It seems like we were BFFs for a while, and then after my engagement, nothing. She occasionally acts really fake and friendly toward me if her family is around, but doesn’t give me the time of day if she doesn’t have to.
I know this sounds big headed, but I’ve chalked it up to jealousy. She is a month older than me and has been dating her boyfriend for two years longer. Her boyfriend is still in college and not ready to get married though, and I graduated a year early so I could get married. So I think she wishes she was engaged and can’t feel happy for us.
I have told FH before that I kind of wish I could uninvite her from being a bridesmaid. But in the end, it doesn’t matter. If she is ignoring me on the wedding day, then so be it. I will try not to notice. But uninviting her will cause a lifetime of family drama.
Good luck! Try to just ignore it.

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No, we spoke in October. This got soooo much worse in November-December and she never sought out help. Expecting me to just forgive and forget everything that has happened in the past 8 months is silly. Mental health issue are real but they don't excuse treating people like crap for almost a year straight with no breaks....

Im taking the "its my day" anything to the next level. Why would you want to spend an already stressful weekend with not only a new infant but with someone who makes you very uncomfortable and is rude towards you???

So basically you believe depression looks different on everyone, but she isn’t allowed to be depressed enough to not be in control of herself? Lots of people who experience depression have a hard time handling their lows, to the point where they sometimes lash out at family/close friends. Her mental illness doesn’t seem good enough for you so it’s honestly probably better for her recovery and health if she doesn’t spend time with you guys or participate in your wedding.

I hear you, but I would leave the bridesmaids thing alone. You think this is bad? Wait until she's not in the wedding anymore, you already have a taste of how she, her mother, and others may treat you. Keep on avoiding them and remain pleasant and let her stand there with a grin or like a grump, whatever. Decide how you two want to move forward as a couple and as parents with this side of the family, and do so. I personally would let the wedding remain as is just to get through it, which I know is super tough, but if she's going through something this will wreck her and everyone else. And as a pregnant woman you don't want this stress.

Also to add, if she is struggling with mental illness I think that changes the situation a little, but not much. (I also have a bachelor’s in psychology so this is my semi-professional opinion) Just because someone is mentally ill doesn’t give them an excuse to treat people poorly. Cut them a break maybe, but when they are regularly treating you like crap, using mental illness as an excuse is not fair for them to do. I had a roommate in college who would get mad at me every time I left dishes in the sink. I’d point out that she never did the dishes, and she’d say “yeah well I’m depressed, i haven’t felt up to it.” COME ON 🙄 It wasn’t like she was depressed and didn’t do them for a few days. She literally would go MONTHS of using dishes and leaving them in the sink, and getting pissed when I didn’t clean them, expecting me to do it all for her since she was mentally ill.

I’m all for sympathizing and trying to help your FSIL get better, but there’s a point where it is just not fair to the people in your life. Like I said, you should confront her about it and leave it up to her. Help her get the treatment she needs, but her mental illness is not an excuse to ruin your wedding just like my roommate’s mental illness was not an excuse to not do the dishes for months.

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I agree with you completely (kick when she is already down). Its like, I don't want to punish her or hurt her but I just don't want to be around her anymore. I know that if we did ask her to not be a part of the party it would cause issues or hard feelings. I just really don't "pretend or fake" things in my life and having her a part of the party seems very fake when she won't even say hello, you know? Thats a place for people who are the closest to you and your Fiancé.