Bridesmaid Issue (long)

And just to emphasize, I do NOT think you should just “kick her out” of the bridal party. That would cause way more problems for you with her, and with your other in-laws. I would confront her about it and tell her that you don’t feel like she wants to be part of it. That way it’s her decision if she wants to back out or if she wants to start acting like she cares.

Honestly, compassion would go a long way here. It sounds like she is suffering from mental illness. This does not sound like she is being toxic, but rather trying to deal with mental illness on a daily basis, with little to no understanding from you. You view her actions through the lens of a healthy mental state instead of with the understanding of all she must be going through.

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Thats EXACTLY where I'm coming from!!! Tons of people deal with mental illness and of course its different on everyone. But its not an excuse for CONSTANT abuse/mistreatment. Thats why I feel her apology really didn't cover it all. She used it as an excuse to cover what has happened for the whole 8 months and thats just not true. Especially, when you are being cordial to some people but a real jerk towards us. I have tried to help her and continued to be friendly throughout the 8 months.

Do you guys think this is something that both my Fiancé and I should sit down and talk to her about since we both feel like she just doesn't care?

No, mental illness isnt an excuse for treating someone like crap for months. The thing is it was out of her control. I would hope that my family in the same situation would be compassionate with my battle and have a little understanding. Maybe shes ashamed with how she's acted and doesn't want to relive it.

Its very clear you dont have a good understanding on mental illness. Its hard for people to understand if they haven't experienced it. Also, medication takes MONTHS to work, and its a game of chance. The first med could work, but it might not, then its back to the drawing board and a few more months on another type. Its not fun.

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I agree. For your sake I would leave the wedding alone and "let it go". You don't need to fake things with her. Just be normal and if she continues to not respond that is on her. After the wedding I would keep a healthy distance from the family and establish with your hubby what is something you will be comfortable with moving forward. Until that time there's no need to discuss the wedding with her.

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I would speak with her. But have some compassion for her situation.

View Quoted Comment Yeah, it makes me very angry when people use mental illness as an excuse for treating people crappy. Doing that takes credibility away from other people who are suffering and are NOT taking it out on others.
I definitely think you should keep reaching out and do everything you can to help her (which it seems like you already are) but you’re not obligated to keep anyone in your wedding party who makes you feel uncomfortable. It’s not like she’s just acting depressed, she’s being actively rude to you for an extended period of time!
The way I see it, these are 2 separate issues: 1) her mental illness 2) your bridal party. So try to get her help for her mental illness, but your bridal party should not have anyone who will cause you stress or unhappiness.

Unrelated but congrats on the pregnancy too!

View Quoted Comment Yes. 100%.

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Thank you!!! We are so happy and excited!

I appreciate you understanding it the same as me! If she was just absent from our lives because she was depressed then thats one things but she is actively being rude to me and to my family on vacation.

Last We spoke he was up to it so we may just do that before anything else.

View Quoted Comment Yeah and it’s not like she snapped and was rude to you once or twice, it’s pretty consistent.

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This. 100% this. You don't get to decide how her mental illness should impact how she is towards you. you have no idea what it's like being in her head. schedule a lunch with her. sit down with her and ask her about how she's doing. Leave the wedding/baby talk at home.

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No one is using mental illness as an excuse for her to be rude because that is NOT how mental illness works. Those who are suffering through it, especially depression are so out of control of their actions from battling their depression every day. Trying to convince OP that to compartmentalize her FSILs potential depression to justify kicking her out is cruel and completely without compassion of any kinds.

@OP- You and your FS need to sit down with his sister and see how she is doing, if she is alright and what you might be able to do to help her. This sort of issue goes so far beyond your wedding day, and is not about you. Her behavior is NOT ABOUT YOU, its about her and you both need to look beyond yourselves to see what you can do to help her.

I have very many feelings about this topic, but I will do my best to keep it brief.

As someone who has a sister who suffers from sever depression and PTSD, i have heard the “I don’t care” excuse many times. This is often a way of brushing of the issue or trying to deny/hide their mental illness because 1) they have not accepted it or understood it fully themselves or 2) they don’t feel the person they’re talking to will understand or listen in a genuine way. I think it is best for you to judge which of these options is correct. I believe I have been in her mom’s position at times. I often get angry at people when they say mean things to my sister because I know that the smallest thing can set her on a downward spiral. This isn’t fair to those people who are simply expressing themselves, but it is often my default response.

I do have a middle ground ground option for you. Sit down with her, ask her what’s going on, listen, and see if being in the wedding is too much for her to handle. Being in the spotlight and having a ton of responsibility is a billion times harder with depression. Do your best to listen and really hear her. Yes, your wedding is important. But it isn’t more important than this person who is your soon to be sister. Come from a place of love and understanding. It is possible she will say it’s too much for her and want to enjoy your wedding from the crowd along with everyone else. If she does decide to back out, don’t resent her for it. It is best for everyone if she makes her health the priority.

Be honest about what you want. If you feel hurt that she hasn’t been excited for you or involved, tell her. But be real. Don’t just say “it’s my wedding”.

You cant control how she will respond, but you can control how you handle the situation. You may be pleasantly surprised and have a greater understanding of her afterwards. Keep in mind if she hasn’t felt she could trust you in the past with serious conversations like this, it may not go well. But at least you can say you tried and then see what your options are after that. If she does choose to stay until the wedding, hopefully this conversation will help you see a peaceful path forward.

I could be wrong. Maybe she is a narcisist and not depressed, and cutting her out of your life is the best option. But I say try this first. Good luck in whatever you decide!

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Thank you, I think both Fiancé and I will sit down and talk to her and she where she stands on it all. That seems to be the easiest and best option on approaching all of this. Wedding related, none of my bridesmaid has helped with anything nor have they been asked too. I have done everything and They are pretty much just showing up to the rehearsal and wedding. Ive had a long engagement so that made it super easy to do / plan everything on our own.

Thanks for your point of view!

Aside from possibly having some form of depression or disorder, I am wondering if it's possible that she is jealous. I know you said she has a kid but is she in a happy relationship? If not, and she perceives that you are, this could be where some of the discourse is coming from. It's not right, obviously, for her to treat you poorly, but if this is the case this gives some insight.

So yes, this girl needs some kind of help. But in the mean time, could you try to kill her with kindness? Could you call her up and ask her for advice on something (unrelated to the wedding or baby?)

I do think that kicking her out of the bridal party will make this 100 times worse. If she can't/ won't come around, do your best to get through the wedding, then revisit this with your husband.

Also--are you saying you are going to be 3 weeks PP at your wedding?

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You are quite welcome. It seems that since she is seeking help from a therapist and has been trying medication, she does see a problem. Finding the right medication/dose to treat a mental illness is a journey and a half (I'm assuming you know this since you studied psychology). It took my sister a couple years to finally stabilize on her medication. Also, depression is often coupled with other issues and may be an indicator of other problems -- ADHD, general health, anxiety, addiction, etc.

It may not seem like you've asked them to do a lot, but sometimes just showing up takes all your mental energy.

Mental health effects everyone around you. It can be frustrating and upsetting and scary for those watching, but I assure you that coming from a place of love is the best approach. Even if she doesn't figure things out by the wedding, you might see her come around in a couple years and look back on the situation and feel bad about how she's handled it all.

Feel free to message me if you'd like to chat more about this privately.

It sounds like something I'm currently going through with one of my own bridesmaids. However, when I try to talk to her to get information on why she doesn't "care" there is always a new excuse or whatever. I also don't have the guts to say anything about not wanting her as a bridesmaid.
Give her a different task, maybe. Or just tell her, "you haven't really shown you care too much about us. Is this something you want to be apart of, because if not, it's okay." That way you make it her decision and it's not like you're kicking her out of the party. And if she says she wants to be apart of it, tell her you need her to show it.

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NO she doesn't have to do anything to plan OP's wedding.

View Quoted Comment I agree with you and I stated above that OP should NOT kick her out of the wedding party, but should just confront her about it and they can talk about a solution for the wedding party that will work for everyone. Honestly if she’s struggling so much, she may be relieved to not have the responsibility of being in the wedding party anymore. Won’t know unless you talk to her about it in an open and honest conversation.

I also said that both OP and her FH should talk to the sister about her mental illness and try to help her. But the way I see it, these are 2 separate issues. You’re right that her mental illness goes much further beyond just the wedding day... which is why the 2 issues aren’t related.

That being said, OP shouldn’t tolerate someone being rude to her on her wedding day just because that someone is mentally ill. THAT is using mental illness as an excuse. She should definitely try to reach out and help the sister get help for her illness, but just allowing her to be rude is not helping anyone!