Bridesmaid is upset she is not my Maid of Honor

When you told me that Matt proposed, of course one of my first thoughts was who the maid of honor was going to be. And of course...my first thought was...well, me duh! I guess it was a selfish, first thought that I had. And then after that thought, I brought myself back down off the pedestal and told myself that whoever it is, it doesn't matter because there is no competition and it's your day. But then when I found out it was Sam (and this is NOTHING against Sam whatsoever because I really like her) I was a little confused because since last Summer it seemed like you felt she wasn't the best friend she could have been because she never talked to you or responded to any of your inquiries. And then you said that it was because of my business with the café. And then I got more confused. That statement with the café at first makes sense...but then I thought more and I felt like you were just trying to patch my feelings in some way of being hurt that I wasn't the maid of honor. Because yes, I get busy but that has hardly stopped me from going out to eat with you, going to movies, going to the gym, going for walks, meeting up mostly whenever...and then there is Sam who kind of blew you off a lot and never responded to your texts, etc. And I felt like that in regard, I am more reliable. The competitive selfish person and the adult are arguing in my head about this and again, I'm not trying to make a deal out of this. I've just changed a lot as a person in the last few years and I lean toward coming off as passive aggressive because I hold back 99% of my feelings but those feelings I suck at hiding in my actions unconsciously. This is YOUR day, I am grateful I am a part of it and I really just want to focus on that.

My question is....how am I supposed to respond to this? She has always been a somewhat selfish person and I have zero patience for it right now. But, if I said everything I wanted to say we'd get into a huge argument. How can I respond to make it clear that it is MY decision and this is the one and only conversation we'll have about it? I understand she is hurt but this is ridiculous.

I'd apologize for her hurt feelings and say it isn't a competition, that you love them both and want them both there and just leave it at that. It sucks her feelings are hurt but she shouldn't have jumped to that conclusion, she's going to have to deal with that one on her own.

But you picked someone based on their party planning skills? You said

I actually did not want a maid of honor but was informed they usually help plan my bridal shower and bach party. So, I instead decided to ask my friend of 10 year to be my bridesmaid as she is very reliable, creative, organized, inspiring...

Isn't that being a bit selfish -- sorry if that comes off rude. Regardless they are all going to have to get over it

ETA: I can't adult today.....

She is rather a box of contradictions (nevermind that it bothers me to no end that when she heard you were engaged her first thought was yay I get to be moh---ew). if she truly means she's happy to be part of your wedding---without the backhanded comments---then she needs to prove it. planning a wedding is stressful enough without one of your bridesmaids whining that they didn't get their way. good luck!!!!

I agree with Glam0rous....

You kind of admitted you picked the friend because she can "do more" for you, rather than your cousin/best friend. It sounds to me like your cousin was struggling about whether to say anything to you, and recognizes that what she's upset about is a little petty. I would just say you didn't mean to upset her and you're so glad that she's going to stand with you as a bridesmaid.

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I would say: I'm sorry you feel hurt that I asked someone else to be my MOH. You have been a great cousin and friend for years, and I'm so happy you are going to be by my side through it all as my bridesmaid. I'm sorry if I gave you the impression in the past the Sam has been a bad friend. Nobody is perfect in a 10 year friendship, but she really is great! I truly hope you don't feel bad for long. This is meant to be fun!

Leave it at that. No need to say anything that will cause her to become more defensive. Focus on the positive. Fake it til you make it if you have to.

She's being so selfish, wow. No need for you to apologize, but she does need to get her shit in line and stop being a brat.

I'm in pretty much the same situation, with a sister who's...not exactly flaky, but she's not exactly on the ball for planning things, either...and a FSIL who's kind of a scheduling *machine*. I love them both and told them to do any planning together because I wasn't going to make a choice on putting one "above" the other. They ended up making a secret Pinterest board and are taking delight in whispering behind my back about whatever they're planning for the shower.

And I think that's what I would tell your cousin. That you never meant to put your other friend "above" her, you just thought your other friend had more time for party planning and stuff. Apologize for hurt feelings and misunderstandings, but not for the choice. Suggest she collaborate with the other friend if she has more time/attention available than you had thought.

Thanks all for the responses! There is so much drama and angst for the couple in planning a wedding, and so much history and relationship dynamics behind every decision that it's like a story line from Game of Thrones. To me, I do not care who is the maid of honor especially because I didn't even want one in the first place and am now feeling like I should have trusted my instincts and not asked anyone. I hate drama. I also believe relationships and friendships are ever fluctuating.

Is my cousin always a good, reliable friend? No. Sometimes we all get busy with our own lives and neglect other priorities. So apparently at one point I must have confided in my cousin about my friend Sam not getting back to me in a timely manner. Mind you, this must have been a long time ago as I don't even recall this conversation. I love all of my bridesmaids equally which is why I asked them to be in the wedding, period. My friend Sam was surprised when I asked her to be the MOH because she thought it would be my sister so it's all a matter of perspective. She is fully aware why I asked her and is happy to help so there are no hurt feelings between us.

All of my other bridesmaids have been nothing but excited and happy for me. They are always offering to help and giving advice and not one of them has concerned about who the MOH was. Whereas my cousin who is supposedly my best friend, has so far given nothing but drama. Regardless, I feel like this is my wedding. Also, I have been married once before when I was 19 and I did not have a wedding, reception...nothing. To me, this is my second chance at happiness and having one special day. I am making the decisions that feel right to me in my heart and I, nor should anyone else, have to explain the reasoning behind those decisions. Life is too short for this shit.

I agree with Britt'a suggestion you don't owe an explanation and you don't need drama. Apologize for hurt feelings, state you want it to be a fun time and move on.

I think there are mistakes on both sides of this mess.

-You chose your MOH for her party planning skills. This is not how you should choose your MOH, but I think you deserve some benefit of the doubt because it sounds like you have been preyed upon by the wedding industry. Pinterest/the wedding industry will tell you that your BM's and your MOH are there to help you plan your wedding and throw parties for you. That is a total lie. It is no an honor for your BM's to stand up for you. It is an honor for YOU to have your BM's stand up for you. They don't have to throw parties or help you address invites. All that stuff is extra. Their only jobs are to buy the dress and show up to the wedding on time and sober. You shouldn't have chosen your MOH based on who was the best party planner.

-That letter from your BM was pointless and hurtful. You don't need to apologize to her because while she is entitled to her feelings, these are feelings she should keep to herself. I'm not sure what she was trying to accomplish.

^^ For clarification, I did not choose my MOH solely based on her "party planning skills". If that was the case, I would have chosen my other bridesmaid, my FH's sister-in-law because she's OCD and loves planning things. But that wouldn't have made sense because we are not yet that close. I chose Sam because she is one of my best friends and she is a wonderful person. Her reliability and creativity are simply added bonuses in this situation but she is not being tasked with anything. None of my friends are, I'm not a bridezilla. My friends are going nuts constantly coming up with ideas. I have asked for nothing from anyone besides keeping everything relaxed and fun!

Did you ask the personal attendants to be BM's yet?

@Kathryn: Yes, I did!! I asked them both last night and they were super excited!! I'm glad I asked them.

I don't think you necessarily owe her an apology, but I do think you should acknowledge how she's feeling, thank her for letting you know, and tell her you hope she can come to terms with your decision so everyone can enjoy their time leading up to the wedding without drama or stress.

I agree with DJ F. Keep it simple. While she may be upset, frankly there is nothing you can do about it now. And like Tania said, stop venting to one friend about another. It comes back to bite you in the ass.

This sounds like high school.... No offense Hillary. You don't owe her an apology, the message sounds more like " this is why I should be your bridesmaid not her". Acknowledge her feeling explain that she is still important to you and drop it. No need to explain why you choose who, that will probly start more drama

From her FB message, it sounds like at some point you two had a conversation about why your cousin isn't your MOH and you said it's because of how busy she is at work? I think that might be one of your problems. Even if you had many great reasons why you chose your other friend, if you made it seem like it was due entirely to her flexibility, that may be where your cousin is getting the hurt feelings from.

I agree that it's childish and dramatic to make a big deal about not being MOH. And if your cousin came on here to ask if she should be upset I would tell her so. But I guess I can see having hurt feelings if you made it seem like the only reason you didn't choose your cousin was because she's too busy.