Bridesmaid duties and shower costs

Yeah no. $416 a piece?! The dress is high enough honestly. Tell her hell no and be lucky you're forking up the dress money.

It was quite presumptuous of her to plan a shower and send a bill without consulting the BMs and asking them to co-host. I have never heard of this tradition for a bridal shower.

I would contact the MOH and inform her I can't afford to contribute to the shower.

ETA: If a bride is going to make the BMs use her hair and makeup people, the Bride should pay for the BMs hair and makeup.

No, that's not the process...not even close. The process is that the attendants ALL contribute their thoughts to any discussion about a shower -- starting with, "Are all of you on board with hosting a shower." From there, what should happen is a frank discussion on what people can reasonably afford. It is outrageous that the MOH did all of the planning and billed all of you for her vision. I'd tell her that you cannot afford it -- $416 is ridiculous -- so, she either scales this back in a major way, or the expenses get split between a lower number of people. If you can't do it, you can't do it. And, I believe, that some of the other ladies feel the same way you do. You don't skip a utility payment to finance a bridal shower you had absolutely nothing to do with.

I would also tell the bride that you are either doing your own make-up or finding someone of your choosing. She has absolutely NO authority to tell you to use an artist of her choosing without paying for it. Say NO. You'll probably start a trend.

Traditionally bridesmaids can help with the shower if they choose to do so. Its not uncommon for a MOH to ask them for help. They are not obligated though, and not contributing doesn't make them any less of a bridesmaid. I have financially helped contribute to a friends shower because the MOH asked for help, I didn't mind, but it was maybe $300....between 3 bridesmaids . Bridesmaids do not HAVE to do it, but whether they choose to do it or not to do it , they should communicate that to the MOH ASAP. How big is this shower for $1600? It sounds way extravagant. Do you know how many people are attending this shower and why you need that amount? Probably not since its over the summer and I would assume invitations haven't even been sent out yet.......

My MOH consulted my BM's for some financial help with the shower, BUT she made it a point to ask them what they were comfortable contributing as not everyone could put money towards the shower. $400, is absolutely insane. I think you have a right to ask her to scale her purchases back or cover it herself and not rely on "help from the bridesmaids" to achieve whatever vision she has. If you don't want to contribute anything financially (I don't blame you!), I would tell her right away, but offer to help with setup, crafts, or invitations or something that doesn't involve spending money.

Jeeze!!! No that's not how it works AT ALL! If you didn't offer to throw the shower you are under no obligation to pay for it. That is so rude.

Op, screenshot all these replies and send them to MOH. Lol

There are so many things wrong with what you are telling us about!

1.) The shower is hosted by whoever offers to host one. The BP is not required to do it. If the MOH wanted to throw the shower as a group with all the BMs, she should have first asked you all who else was interested in throwing it with her and asked what everyone who said yes to co-hosting was willing and able to contribute financially in order to compile an actual budget for the shower. Holy cow that's an expensive shower. Tell her you are sorry, but you cannot contribute that amount. If you are not interested in hosting a shower at all, let her know that you wish she had consulted you ahead of time because you do not have the time or the finances to participate in the planning of this event. If you are interested in hosting a shower that has a more reasonable price tag, let her know you wish she had consulted you first because while you'd love to help co-host a shower for your friend, you do not have it in your budget to contribute that much. Had she asked you about it earlier, perhaps the two of you could have agreed on a more reasonable budget.

2.) If the bride is requiring you to get your hair or makeup done professionally, she pays. If it's optional and you have the choice to say no, only then is it okay for BMs to pay for their hair or makeup. You should not be required to pay for this, FYI.

3.) BMs are expected to pay for their dresses and alterations, but it's also expected that the bride ask each BM what she is comfortable spending on a BM dress before any dress shopping happens and the bride should not pick a dress that is more expensive than the lowest price point that her BMs gave her. I hope your friend at least did this?

Nope nope nope. I would email her back and say it's not within your budget and you were not consulted on pricing, cost, location, anything. That is absolutely ridiculous. $416 plus whatever this woman has planned for the bachelorette plus a $275 dress plus whatever she has planned for the day before or the day of the wedding.

I live in California and my bridal shower will be less than $416, dresses are less than $150. I'm not requiring their hair and makeup to be done professionally but they are all opting to - it's $65 for hair and $65 for makeup.

That is ridiculous haha be firm with her and say no.

$275 for the dress alone is a lot of cash. It sounds like they really didn't take people's budgets into consideration when planning all of this.

Sounds like the MOB wants her daughter to have a show-offy extravagant shower on your dimes. Even more reason to say no. Get out of this now. I don't know your friend, but if this is how her mom is I don't see this going well at all.

OP saw your update. I would tell the MOH and MOB to shove the bill up their @$$, they want it they pay for it.

Also, I would probably drop out of the bridal party.

Uh, whoa. $416????? My bridesmaids are paying for NOTHING. It's my day, I'm paying for it to be how I want it. Their dresses, jewelry, hair and makeup, alterations, all of it is being/has been paid for by me. Same with the groomsmen. All of it is paid for, they're not paying for anything. The only thing my girls have to get on their own is their shoes. I gave them a color and they can pick out whatever they want because they're all different and are comfortable in different styles of shoes. My only specifications were color and that if they chose to wear heels they had to be shorter than 3 inches because I don't want anybody falling. But my shower was put on by my church and my family, not my bridesmaids. No one was forced to pay anything without their knowledge prior to the occasion. I was never told about any "traditions" that the bridesmaids hosted the shower. The shower is usually hosted by the bride's family, and if anyone else chooses to do something that is on them, but if you didn't choose to do something I'd tell her to screw off. Legally she can't even do that, and if bad comes to worse you could take her to small claims court but I hope it doesn't come to that. I'd talk to your bride and her mother (since she supposedly ok'd this) and make sure you're all on the same page. If my maid of honor did something like that I would be furious and she'd be demoted on the spot and someone else put in her place as moh. Absolutely ridiculous. I would be over the roof over this if it was me!!!!

Thank you all of the very helpful feedback! I really appreciate it! I talked to one of the other bridesmaids who is just as shocked and insulted by having to pay for the shower without being asked. We are going to suggest paying what we are comfortable with (75 each) but will not pay the whole amount despite the demands of the MOB and MOH. Lol I forgot to add in my original post the MOB said that because the MOH put our names are on the invitations we are required to pay. If they not in agreement with that, then I will be bowing out.

OP, does the bride know about this?

The bride isn't supposed to know the details of a shower, so I'm assuming not @Constance.

OP, telling them no is perfectly acceptable. It should have been one of two things. Either one person hosts and they pay or everyone hosts and everyone agrees to what they can spend. You shouldn't be pressured into this. I think it's perfectly okay if you back out at this point.

I've had this happen to me too, when I was a poor college student. I had never been in a wedding before and thought it was normal. I'm older and wiser now and if this happened to me I'd matter of factly say that amount is not possible for me.

Are you close with the bride's mom? Could she maybe shed some light on why this was handled the way it was?

Edit -I saw your update. The MoB sucks.

100% no. $416 is a insane amount. I'd just drop and say you can't afford it.

OP, I'd be stepping down. The dress enough would break me, and seriously... $416?! That's ridiculous! That money could go to something else, like come on, what the hell kind of bridal shower costs EACH bridesmaid $416? I get the feeling she booked everything and that price for each of you is including the part she should be chipping in but won't. I'm so sorry OP. That's just awful.

Oh no way. Firstly making your bridemaids spend $275 on a dress is too much, even if they say their budget is $300 don't make them spend this much. The bride should be paying for hair &makeup.

And you should not be forced to spend anything at all on the bridal shower. Nada.