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Chantel
Savvy August 2024

Bridesmaid drama

Chantel, on June 18, 2024 at 6:54 PM Posted in Community Conversations 2 48
Hi guys! My wedding is in 52 days and it has been a struggle. Not with my future husband but with my sister! She is my only sister and she seems completely not interested in helping me do anything for the wedding! My fiance and I have done all the planning and whenever I ask her or talk to her about the wedding plans, her responses are vague, cold, disingenuous and immediately changes the subject. She is one of my bridesmaids but I don't want her to be the maid of honor because of the way she's handled this 1 year long journey. I have talked to my family and my fiance about the whole situation and the majority says she's jealous. I don't know what to do or how to handle this. I've brought it up to her about her lack of interest but then get the immediate defense from her. Please any advice would be greatly appreciated!

48 Comments

Latest activity by IIWIARS, on July 18, 2024 at 7:27 AM
  • Katie
    Katie ·
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    Dearest Chantel,

    The time for her to air her concerns is long gone. You are in the last days of your single life, and ready to become someones life-long partner. It sounds like you have tried to have mature conversations about her involvement in your big day. I don't know her or what she has going on in her life but from your perspective here, it sounds like your wedding is not her priority. I hope that you can gracefully find a MOH to provide you with the support you deserve during this major life transition. Im so sorry that you have to deal with the stress of replacing someone with such a crucial role for you, especially so late in the game. If you need any support please DM me. Best wishes, and Congratulations!

    Katie

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  • Chantel
    Savvy August 2024
    Chantel ·
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    Thank you so much for your kind words! I appreciate the justification and helping me not feel like I'm being selfish! Thank you!!!
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  • Katie
    Katie ·
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    Of Course! Your Wedding Day is meant to be all about YOU and the love that you share with your fiancé. All the support, all the dignity, all the love Smiley heart

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  • Michael
    Rockstar October 2023
    Michael ·
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    Since she is your sister and has not stopped you from preparing your wedding, you should consider how she has been over the years. If it is just a matter of her internal struggles that has kept her from helping you prepare, just tell her all you want is that she be at your side at the wedding and to be sisters for the rest of your lives. Hopefully it can a moment trying to recommit to each other -- since she will be your sister for a long time. (The help in preparation is just a moment in life and not everyone is up to the task.)

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  • Chantel
    Savvy August 2024
    Chantel ·
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    You are absolutely correct and thank you for that different point of view! I feel like I have been letting this put a wedge in our relationship and that was bothering me as well. Thank you SOOOOO much ❤️❤️❤️
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  • Michael
    Rockstar October 2023
    Michael ·
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    Thanks for sharing back so wonderfully. The goal of marriage is to build up lives, not tear them apart.

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  • Michael
    Rockstar October 2023
    Michael ·
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    If family asks about this, maybe just say there is no problem because she's your sister.

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  • Andrea
    Rockstar January 2024
    Andrea ·
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    This!! Not everyone has the same idea of bridesmaid participation anyway, so letting it hurt your long-term relationship is silly. The only things she needs to do are get her dress and show up appropriately groomed and on time. Don’t stress over what she’s not doing; just be happy to have your sister at your side on your big day.
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  • V
    Champion July 2019
    Veronica ·
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    What type of wedding plans are you trying to include her in? Because honestly it's not her job even as a bridesmaid or maid of honor to be involved in the planning process. Planning is solely the responsibility of the people getting married. If she doesn't want to be involved with picking out dresses or hair and makeup or what shoes to wear, then I could understand why you're getting frustrated because obviously those things do affect her. But if you are trying to involve her in planning things like what flowers or the menu or picking out a DJ or anything like that then that's understandable why she doesn't want to be involved as those are not her things she needs to be involved with.
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  • C
    CM ·
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    You’re the one with inappropriate expectations. While some people have the time, money, and interest to offer help, It is not her job or responsibility to help you plan your wedding, it is yours. Likewise, any parties are optional and voluntary. Her only obligation is to attend rehearsal, dress appropriately in consultation with you, support you before and during the ceremony and be there on time for photos.


    Hair and makeup and shoes, possibly in a suggested color or range of colors do not have to be decided now and are up to her anyway.
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  • Jacks
    Rockstar November 2054
    Jacks ·
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    She's not obligated to help you plan your wedding. Does she have the dress? That's really the only thing needing "handling". The rest is really just planning between you and your FI. I would definitely not replace her, if that's what you're thinking to do, because that is a very public slight that could damage your relationship with her and make you look terrible too. I feel like preserving your relationship with your sister is more important than any of this, and I'm sure you feel that way too.

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  • Chantel
    Savvy August 2024
    Chantel ·
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    It's mostly just bridesmaids stuff - I literally have everything else planned out. So for example - the rest of my bridesmaids have tried on their dresses and have made appointments to get them altered - she hasn't done any of that. I wanted her to be my maid of honor and maybe plan a shower or the bachelorette party but if she can't even commit to a simple dress then how can I rely on her to do that? She wants to wear different shoes than what the rest of the bridesmaids are wearing, changes the subject whenever I ask her opinion of something to do for the wedding- just petty things like that that are getting under my skin.
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  • Chantel
    Savvy August 2024
    Chantel ·
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    That is great advice! Thank you for that! It's not that I want her to plan anything - I just want her involved and to care more but I know that expectation is unrealistic. Thank you for taking the time to respond ☺️
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  • Michael
    Rockstar October 2023
    Michael ·
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    These details give a bit of a different situation than your original post.

    First, I assume you told her you would have her as your maid of honor. In a way, that can work okay if she has a different dress then. If everything was fine with your relationship before your engagement, then your question to her maybe should be "are you still happy to be my MOH?" Other details about the dress styles sort of depend on her age -- the younger may be more excited to go with matching dresses. It depends also what her normal inclination is in fashion. Then, also, there are many people who are not trying to be difficult but they just are not inclined to follow the crowd.

    Lastly, many times it is mentioned that you do not have people with you to be props in your pictures. You have them to honor their value in your life ( past and hopefully future). Then, there is all the stuff mentioned earlier Smiley tongue

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  • Chantel
    Savvy August 2024
    Chantel ·
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    Well you misread my post. I said previously that my fiance and I have everything planned out already so that is not the issue. She is my sister not just a bridesmaid. I feel like you're missing that point. Once again, you misread my post because my wedding is in 50 days, so how is color not an issue in this short amount of time? Also, not sure how many weddings you've been apart of but since when does the bridesmaids pick the colors and style of anything? Sounds like you have some serious hostility that you need to work on.
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  • Isabelle
    Just Said Yes December 2025
    Isabelle ·
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    Hey love! I hope you have an amazing wedding and it's your dream outcome! I'd love to say this though- you can't make anyone change their feelings over something and sometimes it can hurt more trying to get them to, I'd just give the same energy to her about the wedding and just leave it to you and your fiance. Keep your own peace by not wanting her to care.
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  • C
    CM ·
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    You’re missing my point. You do have discretion with respect to the dress but it is considerate to consult for budget and style preferences. It’s on her to get the dress and have it altered so I wouldn’t micromanage her there.


    You can request a shoe color, not the exact shoe. What fits one may not fit or be comfortable for another.
    You obviously have expectations since you complained that she isn’t interested in “doing” anything for the wedding.
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  • Chantel
    Savvy August 2024
    Chantel ·
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    You are absolutely right- I can't change her feelings and I think that's what my issue was is wanting her to care more. Thank you so much for the advice 🥰
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  • V
    Champion July 2019
    Veronica ·
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    Are all of the bridesmaids wearing the same style dress or did you let them pick their own style? If they are wearing the same style then it should be pretty easy for her to just order the dress and get it altered. If she was allowed to pick her style then she might have to order a few different styles and pick which she likes best then have it altered. She might just have to order it with rushed shipping. Either way she's an adult and knows it's her responsibility to show up on the day of the wedding wearing the required outfit. If she doesn't she can attend as a guest. I wouldn't micromanage her. There's better uses of your time.

    As for the bridal shower and bachelorette party, those can honestly be hosted by anyone who offers. If someone doesn't offer then you simply don't have one. My sister was my maid of honor, but she wasn't in the best place in her life at the time so she didn't really do much. My mom, MIL, and my husband's sister (bridesmaid) handled hosting my bridal shower. My bachelorette party was a mess. One bridesmaid dropped out attending because her husband surprised her for their anniversary for tickets to Disney not realizing it was the same time as my bachelorette party. Another bridesmaid unfortunately wasn't made to attend because the day before she suffered a miscarriage. We ended up going for dinner and bowling which wasn't what I envisioned, but it was still lots of fun.

    As for the shoes it sounds like you want everyone wearing the exact same shoe which is honestly unrealistic. Not everyone is comfortable in the same shoe and they shouldn't be walking around having to wear shoes that are making them miserable. For example, my brother's wife (bridesmaid) injured her ankle several years ago and it never healed properly so it would've been completely unfair for me to require her to have worn heels for my wedding as condition to being a bridesmaid. Instead I requested everyone wear silver shoes. I didn't care what style as long as they were silver I was happy and to be honest I couldn't even tell you what their shoes looked like. If your sister is uncomfortable with the shoes you picked I would let her decide on her own shoe style. As long as it is the same color as the other bridesmaids then I don't see the big deal as they will still be uniform.

    As for planning or giving opinions on things is it possible she's just not into party/evening planning. Obviously we don't know her, but if she's not normally into planning things then unfortunately I wouldn't have expected your wedding to be any different. The other option is she could be jealous. Is she in a relationship that maybe she was hoping her significant other would've already proposed? Is she single and wishing she had a significant other? Has she been married before and it ended badly? Any of those things could affect how she's acting.

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  • Kanisha
    Just Said Yes August 2024
    Kanisha ·
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    Replace her as a bridesmaid !

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