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Heather
Savvy May 2019

Bridal party plus ones....

Heather, on February 18, 2019 at 8:03 PM

Posted in Etiquette and Advice 48

Just a quick question about a theme I've noticed, but WHY does whatever etiquette dictate that the bridal party get a plus one? They're gonna be busy the entire 24 hours leading up to the ceremony (which a plus one can't come to) and then have to be out for pictures (which a plus one can't come to)...

Just a quick question about a theme I've noticed, but WHY does whatever etiquette dictate that the bridal party get a plus one? They're gonna be busy the entire 24 hours leading up to the ceremony (which a plus one can't come to) and then have to be out for pictures (which a plus one can't come to) and half the time are sat separately at dinner (Which i guess a plus one could sit with them?) so they get to see them for like 2 hours of dancing, at which point they're drunk and probably exhausted from the past 24 hours and **** pictures... what's even the point in them having a date? That person is just going to be milling about awkwardly waiting around for them?

48 Comments

  • Cristy
    Master May 2021
    Cristy ·
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    I want to comment again, because I posted my first comment before reading the entire string of comments. I was not clear that 2 of your BP are in high school, and the others mostly know each other and are friendly. So, in that case, I would think that plus ones aren't really necessary. Sorry, my bad. (Note to self: read the comments before opening your big mouth!) Smiley smile

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  • H
    Just Said Yes May 2019
    Heather ·
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    As previously stated, 24 hours was probably a dumb exaggeration, but the the day leading up to we will be in a separate place entirely to get ready so it's not like anyone can really hang out with their date that day because, well, it's a half hour commute and as the bride I am not cool with anyone but my bridesmaids and mom seeing me before my wedding. Also, I am in a wedding for one of my bridesmaids about 6 weeks before mine, and she DOES have the whole 24 hours before her wedding and I don't think that's weird or rude at all of her to ask that of us. All the bms are staying in a hotel suite with her after the rehearsal dinner so she isn't alone, then spending the day of getting ready with her. Time spent doesn't necessarily have to mean effort exerted. Also I have adjusted the timeline to have people eating together though "traditionally" the WP is at a head table so they do have that.

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  • H
    Just Said Yes May 2019
    Heather ·
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    You're the sweetest Smiley heart

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  • J
    Master 0000
    Judith ·
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    Most guests who come to the wedding, are seated and quiet through the ceremony. They only enjoy their time as a couple after that, at the reception. But you mostly invite people in couples, to socialize and dance and such, together. After pictures end, often cocktail hour, your BM are only spending a small amount of time with you, the couple. After the parties, as guests or giving them, and RD, and for some, getting ready together, and the ceremony and pictures, your wedding party is done, except maybe for 10 minutes for a toast. The B and G will be dancing, and circulating to see all of their guests other than the WP. Most WP I have been in, B and G barely see WP at the reception, and WP without companions are lonely and bored. If all of your BP are friends and know each other, it is easier to be single. Unless they mostly spend time with their SO, leaving singles alone while couples dance and socialize. As a guest, I have been to many weddings alone, even when in a relationship when SO could not come. Fine. I find other singles. But when alone in a WP when other have SO, it means abandoning the WP entirely to meet others there alone, talk, dance etc. And most B and G get upset if minutes after finishing pics, their wedding party members remove themselves from the couples if the WP in search of other singles. With a date, the singles and their dates will more likely hang out with the WP, or get out on the dance floor. Many, many WP I have been in, I know only the bride, or one other person, and either never met others from other times and places in bride's life, or met them briefly. And may even heartily dislike them. But am polite and act friendly for the duration. But without a SO or a date, hanging with the WP is like standing and sitting around with the people who ride the same bus to work you do. No social interest can B assumed. So OP, as an individual bride, your WP may all be friends, and hang out together. But realize, often none of groom's and bride's attendants may know any of the others, or know only one, who has a SO and spends a romantic 3 hours on the dance floor. And as the WP is supposed to be bride's or groom's family ir friend's nearest and dearest, most allocate a seat for a date to WP who are not in a committed relationship, so after the wedding pics after the ceremony, they have company for 5 hours. This " busy being BM" may be as little as 1 hour, plus ceremony, on wedding day, for many weddings. I spent lots of time with my Maid and Matron of Honor, and 2 BM, in the day and a half before wedding day. And not more than a few minutes conversation while eating lunch in the same Inn restaurant . And did not see them again till the ceremony. And 15 minutes after the ceremony, pics with WP done. Bye bye. Sure, our WP and SO all spent the meal and reception seated at one table with us. We were there about 25 minutes. The rest dancing, or talking with people we had not spent the previous 1½ days with. And this has been true of a huge number of the weddings I have been in. So to you as bride, your WP may be a cohesive social group, but for many or most, WP do not all know each other well.And where possible, plus 1 dates for WP not in committed relationships are greatly appreciated. In the year before I met FI I dated, but no one ling term special. Just out of the Army, moved nearly 3,000 miles, and in a job and grad school with no one I had met before. The 4 weddings I was in BP, if you add up all the little, unnecessary gifts at asking time, the party favors, bride treating people to spa days ( which I hate) and does and shirts and getting ready stuff, and the that you gift or gifts at the end, I would happily have given back all the gifts and things bride thought special to give me, as a swap for getting a plus 1 for the wedding. That was the most special gift, like ticket to a romantic party for 2, my choice of date, the best gift the bride could give me. Forget all the other stuff, was and is my feeling. Say thank you, in a note or letter. Skip all the treats and gifts, and give the single WP the gift of a place for their date. Weddings celebrate romance, and the future. 🙌 let the BM share the romance, with SO, ir a date of their choosing. They are not too busy, 4-5 hours of the reception, as long as any non-wedding party.
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  • Caitlin
    Savvy October 2019
    Caitlin ·
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    I see nothing wrong with not extending a +1 to anyone in your wedding party that is not in a serious relationship. Same for guests who are not in serious relationships.

    At least at our wedding all of our friends we are inviting are from the same group - they will know MULTIPLE people there. I don't see why it's expected to give up a seat (that could go to someone who loves you and is excited for you) to a complete stranger that your friend isn't even serious about. Sure, maybe this relationship will continue and that new gf/bf will become part of your group OR they could break up a day after, or worse, your friend gives their +1 to their ex that they keep going back to - haha but seriously if your venue does not limit your headcount, go for it, otherwise there is nothing wrong with protecting your numbers and saving them for people who know you as a couple.

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  • Martelle
    Devoted July 2019
    Martelle ·
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    LOVE THIS.

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  • KitandKaboodle
    Master November 2016
    KitandKaboodle ·
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    My God, what are they doing before your wedding that would require them to be busy for 24 hours?

    With that said, as a courtesy, you absolutely should give your BP a +1. This is your party and you should host your guests. Yes, they will take pictures, but that doesn't take all day/night. They should sit with their guest during dinner which will allow you and your husband to take in the moment of the day.

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  • J
    Master 0000
    Judith ·
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    To dine separately from your guests, in an upstairs room, is something every person I know would consider un-pardonably rude.
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