Bridal party / immediate family exception to "kid policy"

View Quoted Comment Yes, we’re prepared for some people to see it that way.

View Quoted Comment I agree you should not choose arbitrarily. "Susie's kids are all zits and pudgy this year and would bring down our pics, " would be arbitrary, a standard you would not want to see applied to anybody. "Mary's 3 kids are well behaved, but only the youngest likes to comverse with adults . Let's invite her and leave the shy ones home". Splitting a family for no good reason but personality traits ( short of violence) is another thing you would not apply to all guests. Nothing arbitrary. But in fact, the systematic way people choose what adults come to your wedding, is to invite nearest and dearest closest family and friends, first. And if B and B want 20-30 but not 90 children , of course they will choose, in rings going outward, those they are closest to ( and their bro and sis may be auto invite like SO in couples.) Their brother's and sister's children are more known and liked than the 8 children of school roommates , since you have never met the roomates' kids. The Groom's violin students, with parents or not, are more likely to be invited because they are seen 40 times a year. All else is children barely known, of less wel known adults. 🙂 Circles or tiers of relationship, closer yes and further no, are the way all of the wedding guests are chosen , for most people. The adults. Why wouldn't that be a part of why some groups of kids are chosen? 🙃 Throughout the whole process of wedding guest list decision, a major point is that who is on that list is not determined by all the other guests. So why is it with kids, a lot of people who want some say " Oh No, cannot have some kids without having all. The other guests will have fits. **** Well so what? **** It really is not their business who else you invite. Relatives lobby for you to invite 10 people you don't, saying, it is our choice. Couples say, no, our wedding our choice. Friends groups want whole group s when you want 6 of 30? you get 6-8 of thirty. I say, if what guests are on the list other than oneself are nobody's business but the couple's, that should hold with children too. And if the whole structure of the guest list is based on closeness of relationship, family and friends, and that should play a part with children, too
And it is not for some other adult to go on about, oh that is not fair to mychild. Face it. eedding invitations go to those the couple knows and loves best. And often, that eill extend to some children being invited, and some not. And their parents need to shut up, just as your in-laws need to shut up about the 30 people they want and you don't.

"All or none" for kids is not an etiquette rule. Kids are not a social unit with their parents and they're just like any other guest or potential guest - they are individuals and you get to decide who you want to invite or not invite. That being said, some people will be offended if their children are not invited and others are. You have to just decide what works best for you and stick with your decision.

We have a similar situation. We'd have over 30 kids at our wedding - more than a third of our guest list - if we invited everyone's children, 1.5 hours from home, etc.

We've decided not to have children for the ceremony or the reception, including bridal party children simply because it seems too hard or to be unfairly favoring some children over others even if we could justify them as being family.

What the siblings seem to have planned to do is bring a family member/in law who is not invited to the wedding come to look after the baby/child at their accommodation, and the parents can travel back and forth to them if they choose (or leave early to be with their kids). It's not far - maybe 10 minutes' drive to most accommodation options from our venue.

We plan on inviting the children to be included in getting ready photos in the morning before the ceremony, as we love our nephews and nieces, just don't have a way to sensibly include them at our venue.

If you have a wedding website, you could explain your reasoning there. However, if the concern is truly the children's overstimulation, that decision seems one that the individual families should be making.

We are not inviting anyone under 18 except FH's nieces and nephew who are in the wedding. They will be going home after dinner at the latest though, and will not stay during the entire reception because we plan on having a bonfire and other things that aren't kid friendly. I have a couple of first cousins who will be just under 18 and I know at least one will be bummed she's not invited, but if we open it up more than that then our guest list gets too long and I'm not going to make exceptions for my side and not his.

We're putting a little sentence in our details card specifying what ages are invited, and our RSVP cards will say "___ of ___ adults attending." If someone gets upset they can stay home 🤷🏻‍♀️

Defintely do not call anyone or post anywhere on invites/website to explain who is NOT invited to your wedding. There is nothing wrong with inviting in circles (this is what you are doing inviting immediate fam and bridal party kids, it's totally ok). Just address invites to the people who are invited.

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Very good point and I thought about this too. I wouldn't say overstimulation is the concern - I agree it's one the individual families can make, they know their kids best. It's really 1) the space (if we invite everyone's kids and everyone brings them, we'll be bumping up against our seating limit for the ceremony and the reception will get pretty crowded as well) and 2) I don't see this as a particularly kid-friendly event - not just because there's nowhere for kids to go if they need to chill out for a minute, but also because there's definitely some non-kid appropriate music planned (toasts could be a little questionable too). Again though, I realize lots of weddings are like that and it could be something we discuss with parents and let them make the call. It's very unlikely with this crowd that everyone will bring their kids - I would guess 75% or more would make other arrangements if given the choice. So it might be possible to invite everyone's kids and talk to each family to make sure they know what the event will be like so they can decide (as we were planning to do with the bridal party). I'd have to really think about it and see if we could realistically accommodate the unlikely scenario where everyone on our guest list comes AND opts to bring their kids.

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Thank you! We are in similar situations. I wish we could do this, but it would leave my FH's sisters in a really difficult position - both are out of state so would be traveling in with their kids (staying for Thanksgiving the following week) and of course his entire extended family is invited, so there's no one on his side who could watch the kids for a couple of nights. Their in-laws are all out of state or even out of the country, so that's not an option either. Even if it was an option, we've already asked their kids to be in the wedding. I've been close with his nieces since we met and it was important to us to involve them, so I wouldn't want to give that up and I'm sure he wouldn't either. It might be less sticky to include just them and not the rest of the bridal party's kids since our nieces and nephews are actually *in* the wedding, but it sounds like a lot of people have a problem with the flower girl/ring bearer exception too, so maybe not.

Here's another thing I don't know why I didn't think of until just now - currently young kids can't receive the COVID vaccine. I have no idea what the landscape for COVID looks like by November, I don't think anyone does, but IL has been pretty restrictive. A "full reopening" is planned for June, capacity limits are going way up, and vaccinated people don't count toward capacity limits (at least that's what I've read so far) - but the state has also been clear that if there is a surge in cases, they'll get more restrictive again. So the idea of putting save the dates out there now to almost 40 kids who can't be vaccinated makes me really nervous - it's not like we can withdraw the invitation later if we find out we're over the unvaccinated capacity limit for our state. Anyone else run into this?

I’m choosing to only allow children who are in the bridal party and children whose parents are in the bridal party. They are doing us a big favor by being a part of our wedding and we chose to compromise with them. As far as the guest, no children. I posted a post asking the same thing a while ago, and while I understand that some people may be offended, this is OUR wedding and this is what we are choosing to do. I think you should do whatever you think is necessary for your big day.

We're also having no-kids with the exception of immediate family. When we did our first round of invitations, we went ahead and put "Please leave your little ones at home" on the invitation but made a point to communicate with immediate family ahead of time. Of course, my sister blanked on that conversation and thus freaked out a bit when seeing our invite. xD Other than that, we didn't catch any flak for it, and we had a fair number of guests with small children. We certainly didn't call them all ahead of time. I think you're fine to take a similar path. If your immediate family knows, you're good. Everyone else will just have to deal with it.

Only two kids are invited to my wedding, which are my niece and "nephew".

For all of the guests, I wrote how many seats we were reserving on their RSVP card to indicate that their children are not invited.

I don't think you need to reach out to your guests. Just put adults only on your website and if you haven't already mailed out invites, just make sure you list the names of who is invited and if possible give a number like I did on the RSVPs.

View Quoted Comment I know this post is old, but I’m looking into it as I get ready to plan my wedding and have a son and two nieces that will be in attendance but don’t want any other kiddos. I think a cute little card might work that says something along the lines of “our son and two nieces will be in attendance to celebrate with our family, but we kindly ask you keep your little ones at home. Thank you for your understanding.” - thoughts?

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This would be very improper. Invitations are meant to offer hospitality, not exclude people. It's rude and off-putting to point out who isn't invited and to imply that your guests are dummies who can't read names on an envelope. There is no etiquette rule whatsoever that says all children must be invited and never was. Anyone who tells you otherwise is misinformed because cut offs by age or relationship have always been perfectly acceptable.

Guests should be invited specifically by name. Anyone responding for uninvited children gets a phone call from you to "apologize" for the misunderstanding and to let them know that the invitation is meant for them. As a courtesy you can consider offering to help find or recommend child care services.

What you're planning is very common and if people have an issue with it that's on them.

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I totally get that; I just worry that so many people will just assume that because my son will be there (he's 6 and actually will be walking me down the aisle), that their kiddos can come too.

View Quoted Comment If it helps, I’m the OP and we ended up doing no kids except those who were actually IN the wedding (FG, junior BM, two RBs, and my 10 mo nephew who my SIL was carrying down the aisle). No one made a fuss over it, although when I asked for advice about this one of my SILs did say she suspected her cousin might not come if her kids weren’t invited. And she didn’t, just sent a nice card and a gift - but like half our guest list declined bc everything was iffy with COVID at the time, so who knows how the kid thing factored into the no. We didn’t address the no kids thing with anyone directly unless they asked, and no one asked once invitations were out and the names of those invited were clearly printed on the envelope.


Also, if it helps any further, I now have an 8 mo son myself and my opinions on this have gotten much stronger. I would NEVER expect him to be invited to a formal event just bc I’m invited. If it was a destination wedding I’d certainly *appreciate* him being invited bc he’s too young for me to leave with anyone for more than maybe 1-2 nights, but if he wasn’t invited, I would in no way hold it against the hosts. I would go if I could find child care and if not I’d stay home and send a nice gift and wish the couple well. IMO it would be crazy entitled parent behavior to make it an issue that your kid wasn’t invited to someone’s wedding.
So, I wouldn’t worry about this. Your son will be there bc he has a role in the wedding. You don’t need to invite other kids just because he will be there. And if people get upset about it, that’s on them, not on you. People can come for me for that if they want, but that’s my take and I know plenty of parents who feel the same way.

View Quoted Comment If there’s a history or good reason to worry about certain people I’d call them up under the premise of asking if they need any help finding child care. If practical you can always say you are calling people with kids to gauge interest in an on site or nearby sitter or sitters. Otherwise, as mentioned, if someone is rude or ignorant enough to reply in an unclear way or for an uninvited child you’d contact them and let them know that the invitation was meant for those named.


In general, I think people have been scared into thinking this kind of thing is a far more common than it is. That’s what happens when people start to see “adults event” and similar wording on invitations and others in their circles think they have to follow suit.
You can prevent misunderstandings by addressing. invitations properly by name, not, for example, The Smith Family.