Bridal party / immediate family exception to "kid policy"

I would not call/reach out to people with kids who you are not inviting. I've never seen that, and as a guest, I would be taken aback. Address the invitations to the adults and don't put anything like "the Smith Family" to let people know exactly who is invited. When you say immediate family, do you mean your own children and nieces/nephews? Some people have a broad definition of "immediate." Typically, I've seen that the children in the bridal party are the exception to the no kid rule, and when you start beaching out, things get sticky. I would ask your immediate family and bridal party what they are comfortable with and start that as the basis.

I have seen the exceptions to the "no children" rule include siblings, nieces and nephews, grandchildren, children of the bridal party, flower girl, and ring bearer. Those are all fairly normal exceptions for people to make and should need no explanation. I would not think other guests need a phone call unless they are upset when they get their invitation and reach out first. Talking to your friends/family about the venue beforehand sounds like a great idea to help them make an informed decision about bringing their kid or getting childcare.

Right now we are only inviting immediate family who have kids. Aka my FH’s nephew and nieces since they will be ring bearer and flower girls

I have never seen this “loophole“ ending well in reality because there is always someone offended “who shouldn’t be”. The only way to do that is literally invite all kids or none, no exceptions. For example, with my family, because so many people have kids, the “ flowergirl and infants only “ ‘exception’ would never fly and our VIPs who are parents would all cancel except for 2 stay at home moms who never get a break unless childcare was covered for them, plus the rare few who don’t have kids. Fiancé’s family would do what it takes to attend. But my sister and I grew up with weddings being all family events and kids were/are taught to behave in public without needing constant supervision. If you didn’t invite the entire family, you get cut from other events.


Every couple needs to do what works for them but be aware that you will offend some people who don’t see the same vision you do and view it as playing favorites.

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Thank you, this is really helpful! The "call everyone else who has kids" thing felt odd to me too, but I read it on a couple of (probably silly) wedding sites / etiquette blogs and thought I should get some opinions about it. I would've been really uncomfortable doing that so I'm glad you all seem to agree it's not the right way to go!

The only thing that's tough is addressing save the dates, which we're in the process of doing now - since it's not a formal invite there are no names on the card itself, just the mailing envelope, and for families with 3+ kids I'm not sure if all the names will fit on the address labels we're having printed. I can try though so we avoid confusion from the get-go - and will definitely list specific names on the reply cards for the formal invites so there's no room for confusion there.

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Yes, those are the exceptions we would have. Bridal party's kids and our siblings' kids only (our siblings' kids are all in the wedding as flower girl / ring bearer etc. - we only have a few nieces and nephews between the two of us).

View Quoted Comment If you aren't inviting the kids, then the envelope should just be addressed to Mr. and Mrs. Smith, rather than the Smith Family. Adult children should get their own.

I have heart some website self styled experts say call those whose kids are not invited. But long term etiquette is you never initiate calling or writing , those who are not invited. If some mom or dad calls you, yes you answer. You do not call mothers of kids under 8 to say they cannot come. the fact that their name is not on an invitation is enough. You do not call the 6 out of 12 in your choir to tell them why they are ot invited, either. Deal politely with anyone who calls you. But no one is entitled to be invited. Just because Jane's kids are invited, does not mean Susie's same age are, or should be. Their parents and other guests must assume that B or G is very close to Jane's kids and not Susie's, or there is some other special. Who else is on your invitation list, is no other guest's business. And you never call or wite about who is not invited. You only deal with it if others call or ask you. And your answer is to smile really nicely and say, we have our reasons.
There is no need to justify your decisions as host, just as there is no need for a guest declining your invitation to justify their decision. It sounds like you are using every positive way to make it clear who IS coming. But don't call those who are not.

View Quoted Comment I agree with this. I wouldn't personally call people whom you are not inviting their children. The only reason I've ever seen a couple call the parents to let them know the little ones aren't invited is when the parents add them on the rsvp card

I feel like the most appropriate thing to do is address invites to those specifically invited (names of adults only for most guests, "family" for those who are allowed to bring their children). It's always rude and inappropriate to RSVP for guests not named on the invite, so if you do this and a guest tries to RSVP for their kids not specifically named on the invite, then they are in the wrong, and you can follow up with them to clarify your position. I would give a heads up to those VIP guests whom you are allowing to bring their children - let them know that not all children of all households are being included, that way they don't accidentally blab something about it in a public forum (like social media) or privately to other guests who don't have a kids invite and cause confusion.

I think its possible to include some kids and not all (it doesn't always have to be all or nothing) but there does need to be a very clear line drawn. If you arbitrarily pick some kids and not others people will get hurt and offended. I think generally people are pretty accepting of kids being allowed for those IN the wedding, but beyond that it starts to get really sticky.

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Yes, that's what we're planning.

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This is a good point too. I suppose where we're at is if it's not realistic for us to include all kids, then we're going to offend someone no matter what we do. Either we only invite the bridal party's kids and risk offending some non-bridal party guests, or we don't invite any kids and risk offending the bridal party by asking them to travel out of town for a whole weekend without their kids (rehearsal is at 11 a.m. Friday due to venue restrictions which makes this sort of a destination wedding for the bridal party, though I would certainly understand if someone had to miss the rehearsal). Given the choice, I'd rather risk having some extended family and friends be offended vs. our closest friends and family in the bridal party being upset that we didn't give them any option but to find someone to watch their kids for a whole weekend.

FWIW, from what I know of both our bridal party and our other guests, most of them would opt not to bring their kids whether invited or not. Some have been pretty vocal already about needing a "parents' night out." But I realize not all will not feel that way and we'll have to be prepared for that.

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Yes, this is all in line with what I was thinking - thank you! As I thought about it more, our exception isn't "bridal party and immediate family," it's really just "bridal party," because when I said "immediate family" I mean our siblings - who are all in the bridal party. So yes, we are only inviting kids of parents who are actually IN the wedding.

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Yes, I think I may have given the website self styled experts a little too much benefit of the doubt. :-) Agreed on the long-term etiquette (and even common sense etiquette, really) being that you don't proactively reach out to (or about) anyone who is not invited. You just address it if asked.

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Also, thank you for suggesting we mention this to the bridal party - I think that's a good idea. We were planning to talk with them to let them know what the venue is like so they can make the call on whether to bring their kids, so I think we can mention in that conversation that we didn't invite kids as a general rule, but due to the extra overnight travel for the bridal party we wanted them to have the option.

On my save the dates I addressed only the adults on the envelope and I also put at the bottom "We are asking nobody under the age of 12 to attend our event."

I am not doing formal wedding invitations but instead am doing a wedding website via wedding wire. I put it again on the wedding information tab in bold exactly what I placed on the save the dates. My siblings are above the age of 12 so I did not need to make an exception for them. The only exception is my own children (5 & 1) and my MOH's daughter, who is the same age and best friends with my son, because she is the flower girl and going to help my daughter (1) walk down the aisle with them.

View Quoted Comment I 100% agree. I always see the all or none on here. And that's what makes sense to me. You're picking and choosing who you care more about and letting them bring their kids. I probably wouldn't attend your wedding if I was a guest and knew that.

View Quoted Comment Exactly. In many cases you don’t find out until you arrive because the couple doesn’t share that info.

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I don't see it as reasonable to say that we're "picking and choosing who we care more about." We are asking something additional of the bridal party that would require them to spend an extra night away from their kids - therefore we are making special accommodations for them. As a guest, I'd 100% understand that.

View Quoted Comment You can see it that way if you choose. However that's how I see it. Just be prepared for the consequences of your actions. That's all I'm saying.