Nicole
Beginner April 2021

Bridal Party Help

Nicole, on January 25, 2020 at 9:03 PM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 29
Saved
Reply

My wedding is in April of 2021, so I've got time. However, I am also one of those that like to heave everything planned and accounted for not at the last minute and am also in Nursing school, so I have to do things in steps when I have time. We picked a date, venue, & wedding party. When we first got engaged friends were super excited & really supportive. I have started trying to find housing for my bridal party since it is in a different city. To save our party some money and be accommodating to their family situations, I had found some VRBOs that would make the nightly rental about $120-$150 minimum less a nite compared to a hotel. Fiancé & I were planning on doin dinners as a thank you. I asked that my wedding party get there wednesday nite, as we are planning golf for the guys & a pedicures, massages for the girls. We want to be able to spend a little time with our party prior to the day of the rehearsal when everything gets crazy. So here is the issue, my MOH is telling me that I am already asking a lot of people to drive 2 hours away and now I'm asking them to take time off of work. While also spending money. When I tried to explain that I was trying to save everyone money and why I wanted people there for Thursday and also that there may be last minute things that need to be done, I got major push back. I was that people would be there for the rehearsal and wedding, so that should be enough. Also that I everything should be handled because what else would I be paying for. I do not have a wedding planner due to finances. Her wedding they didn't do all of this and she got married for way cheaper & it was handled. She had a very low key wedding and really didn't want all of the normal stuff. I'm just at a loss right now and so heartbroken that this is coming from a close friend and now I'm not sure she should be my MOH. I'm leaning on my friends more since my mother has passed away and I don't really have any family besides my father. What did everyone do for their wedding party and timeline. Also, I feel I'm going to have to talk to her and let her know what my idea of a MOH is, so what did you ask of your MOH & bridal party.

29 Comments

Latest activity by Nicole, on January 28, 2020 at 7:38 PM
  • Nicole
    Master September 2020
    Nicole ·
    • Flag
    I personally think you’re asking them to commit a bit too much to your wedding the week of. I wouldn’t be happy either if I had to take 2 days off for a wedding that’s only a couple hours away. I’d say let the wedding party figure out their own accommodations and just tell them what time they’ll need to be there for the rehearsal dinner. If you truly want them to attend those prewedding events, I’d schedule for the weekend before, pay for them yourself, and be understanding if people don’t want to participate.
    • Reply
  • Nicole
    Master September 2020
    Nicole ·
    • Flag
    For the rehearsal/rehearsal dinner*
    • Reply
  • Nicole
    Master September 2020
    Nicole ·
    • Flag
    As for your last question, my MOH is my sister and was asked to be my MOH because of her importance in my life and not because what she can do for me. In fact, she lives in another state, so she’s not really been involved with anything (not that she should as it’s my and my FH’s wedding). I was her MOH last year for her wedding, and my responsibilities were to show up to the rehearsal and wedding in the dress she chose. Social media and media in general have made us think that wedding parties are required to have all these “tasks” when it’s completely not true. Their only requirement is to be there on the wedding day, in the outfit you choose, and sober enough to make it down the aisle. They’re chosen because they’re your nearest and dearest.
    • Reply
  • Nicole
    Beginner April 2021
    Nicole ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment

    We aren't asking them to pay for the pre wedding events, we are paying for those. The only reason we even were talking Thursday to do this is because our bridal party is from all over the country and most will already be coming in early. So I'm planning on doing it with the majority of those coming, even if its not everyone. Also if the pre wedding events don't happen its not the end of the world. My main concern is that my MOH is not wanting to come help me and just show up rehearsal time and only for the wedding. I chose her because of what she meant to me as well, but with the lack of family she knew prior to me asking that and other friends as well that I would be leaning on them for help with set up and other things for the process.

    • Reply
  • Caytlyn
    Legend November 2019
    Caytlyn ·
    • Flag
    I’m not sure I’m understanding properly. You want your bridal party to take off of work and arrive on Wednesday for your Saturday wedding because you feel like getting pedis and golfing? That seems absurd. It’s also not their job to plan or set up your wedding. Your MOH is 100% correct.
    • Reply
  • Nicole
    Master September 2020
    Nicole ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment
    My misunderstanding, then, on the front of the prewedding events. I’m glad to hear you’re planning on covering them. I do understand wanting to do this with those who are flying in; I still think it’s asking a pretty big commitment. Maybe keep it as an option, but not mandatory for those who can’t take extra time off of work.


    I understand your wanting help for setup, etc, but at the end of the day, it’s still only the responsibility of you and your fiancé to get everything set up; not that of the wedding party/MOH/family. Your MOH is not in the wrong for only anticipating showing up to the rehearsal. If you’re concerned about getting the setup done, I’d recommend hiring a DOC to help with that aspect (my fiancé and I scrounged around to find money for ours since we didn’t want anyone (other than our paid vendors) to have to worry about working on our wedding day.
    • Reply
  • Emily
    Expert September 2020
    Emily ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment
    I'm sorry that you're not getting the support you're looking for. It may be that if you have some bridesmaids that are more active or excited, they might be more appropriate for MOH.


    If you handle it right, your other friend could be a bridesmaid and then she can just show up Friday for rehearsal.
    • Reply
  • Nicole
    Beginner April 2021
    Nicole ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment

    Thank you for your advice. We are working on trying to get a DOC or a planner. Things are just tight with me being in school right now. I was just surprised by the lack of support from her, when most of this had been talked about and we were on the same page prior to me asking everyone to be in the wedding party.

    • Reply
  • Nicole
    Master September 2020
    Nicole ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment
    Please don’t demote your MOH to bridesmaid simply because she can’t (or doesn’t want to) commit to more than the rehearsal/wedding. That’s a friendship crushing move. No one will be as excited for your wedding as you and your fiancé. It’s not the job of your wedding party to assist with any of the planning/setup.
    • Reply
  • Nicole
    Beginner April 2021
    Nicole ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment

    This is what I am thinking is going to happen. It just really hurts me that this is happening, when we had talked about so much prior to me asking and she seemed so excited and supportive then Smiley sad

    • Reply
  • Caytlyn
    Legend November 2019
    Caytlyn ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment
    This. You make someone your MOH because they’re the person you’re closest to, not because they’re willing to do the most for you. Unless you’re prepared to lose this friendship permanently, this is an awful idea.
    • Reply
  • Nicole
    Beginner April 2021
    Nicole ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment

    Problem is she is giving me the feeling that she doesn't want to be in the wedding party. I don't want to force someone to be in my wedding party or to do anything with me. But I am counting on her to do some things, that she had agreed to and we had spoke about prior to me asking.

    I would not demote anyone willy nilly, but I also don't want someone who isn't excited at all and is treating showing up at all as a chore.

    • Reply
  • Nicole
    Master September 2020
    Nicole ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment
    I hear that. It’s hard when you think you have a plan and then something changes. Maybe she didn’t realize the commitment you were asking before when it was just a conversation. And I understand school too; I did my Masters during my first year of wedding planning. Break it down into focusing on one aspect at a time to help make it more manageable on top of school. I’d check out the vendor tab here on WW and even check your local FB wedding planning group (I know there’s a huge one here in So Cal) to reach out to DOCs. I bet you can find one that will fit in your budget (for reference, we’re paying $1350 for ours and she’s including some rentals in her fee).
    • Reply
  • Nicole
    Master September 2020
    Nicole ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment
    Let her make that decision, if she’s not wanting to be a part of the party. You removing/demoting her will guarantee to hurt, if not end, the relationship you two have. You also have over a year until your wedding, and while I may not feel like much time to you, it’s still a long way off for her. I literally just texted my girls about their dresses 2 weeks ago; that was pretty much the only wedding communication I’ve had with them, unless they’ve asked specifically. For us planning our weddings, it’s a huge, all-consuming period of time. We’re thinking of nothing but our wedding because we’re excited/stressed/have a vision of how we want it to be, but for everyone else, it’s just a one day event. I know it’s hard, but try to temper your expectations of your MOH. You may find that she gets more excited as your wedding day gets closer.
    • Reply
  • Nicole
    Beginner April 2021
    Nicole ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment

    This is why I chose her, because she is extremely important to me. We had also talked about what help I would need with the process, since I don't have my mom or any other family that can be there for me. She was also the one who originally suggested that I try to make it a fun experience for my party. Hence the golf, pedicures, & dinner on Thursday. I am not forcing anyone to take off work. I was just trying to help move lodging cheaper & have the chance to allow them to enjoy a day, since it is 2hrs away. Which is also an issue for my MOH right now too. She doesn't understand why I wouldn't get married near where I live and there are reasons for that. I am asking that they be there by Friday morning, as we are having an early rehearsal due to the church.

    • Reply
  • Nicole
    Beginner April 2021
    Nicole ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment

    Thats my plan is to allow her to make that decision, unless it gets so bad that I have to because I know whether she chooses not to or I do its going to affect our relationship. I'm hoping things change overtime, but I am preparing myself for the worst (just how I am).

    • Reply
  • Nicole
    Master September 2020
    Nicole ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment
    I hear your frustration and can understand when you’ve been up front with her about your plans. Unfortunately, everyone has an opinion on weddings and they don’t always align. It sounds like you have a different plan for your wedding than she had for hers, and that’s completely fine. I wonder if she got caught up with the planning with you and then when it became a reality, she had to face to full brunt of what it would mean work/money wise.
    • Reply
  • Nicole
    Beginner April 2021
    Nicole ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment

    I've considered that as maybe where this is coming from. I have offered to pay for meals while people are there and am trying to find lodging that is a lot cheaper than a hotel. I have offered to help with hair and makeup. But unfortunately financially there is not much more I can do. I'm also allowing them to pick their own dresses, so that they can be comfortable and fit within what their budget is. Everyone else has been up front as to what they can do and not do and what they could afford. She is the only one not communicating with me or finding an issue with every suggestion and she never gives me any feedback other than negative. I just think I'm more hurt by it than anything.

    • Reply
  • J
    Master 0000
    Judith ·
    • Flag
    What you are talking about is not normal stuff. TV and movies and industry supported websites like WW and parent company the knot make it seem like a wedding starts with presents at proposals way before a year out, group shopping trips, DIY evenings, long running chats for all, maybe a bunch of spa or meet each other days , and a multi-day commitment for a bachelorette and again for the wedding. That is reality for very few people, and those usually on the younger side without responsibility for family, jobs, and lots of social commitments other than going out to have a good time. Except for volunteering to give a shower or bachelorette ( which can be planned only months before the parties, held in the last 3 months usually, ) there is nothing at all a bridesmaid or groomsman Needs to do before six months. Nothing. A couple of people, friends or family may shop for a gown with you, or you may go alone. Few gather everyone, unless you have a complete bridal party of 2. Because BM dresses, unlike Bridal gowns, come in 2-10 weeks after you order them, and usually run $100-$250, BM should shop no sooner than 4-5 months out, or up to ordering date for your store or manufacturer. They should not be ordered far in advance, because people frequently gain or lose 20 pounds, or get pregnant, and no one wants to pay $250 to alter a $150 dress. And if you push and push to buy early, and they do need drastic changes, they will expect them to pay for altering sizes. Planning to early can end up hugely expensive. Also, very, very often, by six months from the wedding, one or more will have dropped out. Why the general recommended time is to ask at 9 months out or less, and do things mostly under 6 months. Last, not everyone even has a bachelorette, but most are a day or an evening out. When people sign on to do a wedding, most expect a full day or afternoon and evening for a wedding. They may choose not to get ready as a group, or maybe one plus mother with the bride, unless everyone is out of town. Many cannot make it for rehearsals if a long drive is involved, or stay overnight. If you want to pay for days and days of lodgings and food for everyone, it is still only an option for them to arrive more than an hour before either pictures or the ceremony itself. Most weddings are still a one day event. People expect maybe an engagement party, and maybe 2-4 times up to 4 hours if they go to a shower , bach, rehearsal, and RD. Anthing else is optional. Don't start planning anything concrete, with deposits, for days before the wedding, unless you will be fine if everyone says yeas, you pay, and by 3 months before the wedding, no one comes til wedding day. And they won't pay for things they are not using. Check out costs, for your own knowledge. Do not book anything til close to 6 months out. No one knows their schedule. And many do not want to take time off work . I have never worked any job that would allow anything but vacation time for any wedding but the person's own. And that is never guaranteed for days before the wedding itself. At 3-4 months out, if they feel like taking extra days, then they may ask for time off. Don't just expect things of people. Plan as early as you want for things than only involve you and FI. Other stuff, too early ( before 6 months) is pushy. Read on WW. A huge percentage of people, BM and bride's, get into fights over brides setting expectations, deadlines, asking for commitments to pay for and attend things too far in advance. And it spoils things . Many of the weddings I have been in, some of the BP have been in weddings before, or had them in the family. Three short parties, one the RD, and 2 hours longer than actual ceremony and reception time on wedding day. Those people would act like you are nuts expecting days off work, and commitments before 6 months out . I don't know your ladies. But ask your FI, how many chats, shopping trips, DYI, pre wedding parties, group shopping days beyond 3 hours once for a suit or tux ( which may be done solo) is he planning for his guys? And when? Yeah, under 4 months, except an engagement party, probably. TV makes women look like wedding team central. RelaRelatively
    • Reply
  • Nicole
    Beginner April 2021
    Nicole ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment

    I am really not sure what you are talking about. I am only trying to plan something 1 day prior to the rehearsal. I am opting not to have a bachelorette party because of everyones time constraints with work & family, so instead I was hoping to just get a day prior with them to all the craziness and am on planning on paying for what we do & feeding them & their families for the time they are there. I have told them what color dresses I would like and told them to purchase what fits their budgets and will make them comfortable, so we are not doing a planned shopping trip & can order whenever. We did not do an engagement party. If none of them can come dress shopping with me, I am perfectly fine going by myself. I was just trying to keep in mind their cost & time, but at the same time be able to get a little time with them since we are not doing a bachelorette or engagement party. I am not even sure if they are planning a shower or not, whatever. These are also the same girls that I have been to their weddings with a lot more expectation and time required.

    • Reply

You voted for . Add a comment 👇

×

Related articles

WeddingWire celebrates love ...and so does everyone on our site! Learn more

Groups

WeddingWire article topics