Break it to the family

Well, I would just be upfront and honest with them. If they can’t except you for the choices that you make then they’re not very supportive people in my opinion. They certainly don’t have to participate in any sort of traditions that might happen if they don’t feel comfortable, and might have some objections because your marriage won’t be legally binding but other than that, if they can’t support you then who needs them?!

Your families should respect your choice. Your beliefs are none of their business really. You can bring it up over coffee. As relaxed as you can.


It really is unfortunate that many do not accept others as they are. Is there anyone you do feel comfortable sharing the details with who is not judgemental? Most feel that if they can't be open without fear of judgement, then those people would not be invited. A ceremony is for only those who are fully supportive of you, not everyone you're related to out of tradition.
That said, many people, regardless of beliefs, will question why you are getting married without the legalities as most see them as one and the same.

You’re going to have to be upfront & honest with them. Especially if it’s something this big- either they accept your religious beliefs & lifestyle. Why have you kept this a secret?

View Quoted Comment As I mentioned they're extreme Christians so being anything other is a sin not to mention we're also gay (they don't know since technically bi) and I'm also Nonbinary because they treat my uncle like he's the worst being in the world and seeing that I'm terrified to tell them anything that isn't a straight, christian, legal wedding

You do you boo.

But your parents are not necessarily toxic people because they do not understand your religion or lack thereof. Many Christians just have never been exposed to other religions, and they just don't know what they don't know.

But anyway, you don't have to tell them. They will experience your ceremony on the wedding day and at that point, what's done is done and since you can't change the past, there will be no news to break.

I have gone to secular weddings and religious weddings, and I have not cared either way. If you are not a Christian, it does not make sense for you to have that kind of wedding.

I would just encourage you to look into how anything like benefits like health insurance, next of kin, and any legal rights afforded to legally married persons will affect you should you have to make some life decisions, make decisions for any future children, taxes, etc. Because this could cause a problem in the future. Not that it would, but the same laws I don't think would apply if you do not have a legal marriage license and you are not afforded the same protections married people are.

I would not make the "not legal" thing apparent to some of your guests, because if someone told me a couple was not legally getting married, I probably would not attend because then I think we are having a fancy party.

Can you explain to me why you wouldn't want your marriage to be legal? I am not judging you, but this is a perspective I have not heard before, so please don't think I am judging you. Just trying to understand your perspective?

View Quoted Comment We've been living together for 2 years with our 4 year old son and been together for 5 years. We don't want divorce and the costing of it. We live happily as is and wanting more of a domestic partnership. We're doing a ceremony for our family to make them happy since they're getting old and I lost my grandmother this past year.

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Do you think you will get divorced?

But everyone will have something to say, and will have an opinion and offer unsolicited advice because it is untraditional to a lot of people what you are doing.

Do your parents accept your partner? Because if they know you're gay and you're getting married, I'm pretty sure they already realize that you do not hold as hard and fast to the same beliefs they do.

I wish you the best of luck and hope it goes well for you guys, I really do.

View Quoted Comment Do not invite them then since they shown they can't/won't respect others in your situation. Only invite those who are 100% supportive without judgement.


Also the Bible says no one except God can judge others. Do they think that does not apply to them? It doesn't make them a follower of Christ if they blatantly disobey the teachings attributed to him by every single clergy in that faith.

The key is to be happy about it and once you tell them, don’t make justify or answer questions. They will want to keep asking, and every answer you give will not be good enough, and you’ll go crazy.


It’s important for you to be honest will yourself - there will be people who are not happy with your choice. You won’t be able to convince them. The best thing you can hope for is for them to be quiet about it at the ceremony. Whenever the topic comes up, be very happy and secure. Don’t show any cracks in your resolve and don’t try to get everyone to say they are happy about it.

View Quoted Comment My daughter is gay & just married a very beautiful & talented young lady. I do understand why given the circumstances. When she told her father that she was gay, he told her “it’s just a phase.” We got a good laugh out of that comment as we didn’t realize gayness was “a phase”!
When it came to the wedding he said he’d be there but in the end he was a no show. Her wife & her family are from Columbia-VERY catholic. Her father accepts his daughter but her mother does not. In her eyes you can be as gay as you want, just as long as it’s behind closed doors. Her mom refused to come to her only daughter’s wedding. I told them both- your core family & friends are going to be there. We love you & support you both. THAT’S what makes us family.

View Quoted Comment And they do since we look like any normal straight couple even tho we're both bisexual and they cant even tell that I'm trans other than shorter hair. And thank you so much I hope it will too

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If you want to have a commitment ceremony for you two, then go for it. But if you are "doing a ceremony for our family to make them happy" but also planning to have a ceremony you don't think they will like or respect, then I feel like you are going about this the wrong way for a successful outcome. That is, I don't think this will have the end result you are hoping for.

I think you and your partner should have a really frank discussion about what you each want and how you see it all playing out. What you two decide to do is what is important here. Not what you think others expect from you.

As for your question: "My best bet is just a save-the-date telling them it's a handfasting. Would you still go if you got that?" Whether or not I would go to a handfasting/commitment ceremony totally depends on how I close I am to the couple, if travel were involved, etc. In other words, it depends.