Black Tie Preferred or Optional?

"Formal"

The end.

Sound like you need to put black tie optional. Preferred mean you want then to to rent/wear a full tux. Optional means that It would not be out of place and that you might wan to considerer it.

Please remember as a host of a black tie wedding there are alot of things your guest will expect. So please be sure you are providing them.

"black tie prefered" sounds like they really should dress in black tie...."optional" sounds, well, optional

Dont put black tie preferred unless it truly is a black tie event. That is different than a formal event.

Is your wedding actually black tie? If it is that means that you'll be providing valet parking, seated multicourse dinner, live band, wait staff in tails, top shelf liquor, etc. That is what a black tie level of formality includes. If you are then you can put "black tie preferred" but if you're not then I would go with m's suggestion of "formal".

I found this on a website called Black Tie Guide. It might help answer the question of "preferred" or "optional". Plus some of the wording made me chuckle.

http://www.blacktieguide.com/Etiquette/Etiquette_BlackTie_Codes.htm

To answer the questions...yes. There is valet parking, a sit-down multi-course dinner with one server per 10 guests, top shelf/open bar all night, wine service, etc.

Is formal too broad? Again, not trying to be snotty or snobbish. I've never done this before - ha ha - so all advice is truly appreciated.

Live music?

@audrey I loved reading that

There will be live music, yes.

@audrey - that website is incredibly helpful! Thank you so much for passing that on!

Sound like a black tie event to me!

I truly appreciate all of the advice, it's a huge help!

Now the big question is...how do we convey this to people who won't even check our website? Ha ha.

It seems like a never-ending cycle!

Black tie is an acceptable thing to put on an invite. (Other references to clothing non black tie are not)

Natalie, I had this conundrum a few months ago when we were trying to set the tone for our own wedding. We ultimately decided against specifying anything, even though we are hosting a truly black tie event. Here's why:

- We did not want to specify "black tie" and risk excluding anyone because of the dress code. Even though we know our guests well enough to know that the vast majority would not be financially burdened by renting/purchasing a tux or gown, it's still an inconvenience to many to do so.

- I've been to a few "black tie optional" weddings and it ends in one of two ways: either no one really dresses up in black tie, or almost everyone does and then a few people show up underdressed. It's especially awkward if you know no one at the event, and can't check to see what your friends are wearing.

- The people who have "black tie optional" attire easily available already know how to dress to a fancy wedding, and will probably show up in dark suits and ritzy cocktail dresses. Those who don't have that kind of attire will probably show up in the same thing they would have worn without the dress code.

- It adds an extra element for your guests to judge you on and potentially be offended by if their standards aren't met. "Black tie" is a serious level of hosting, and even if you are meeting the basics, people's interpretations of it may vary. Our wedding is very formal but I'm certainly not the Duchess of Cambridge...why risk it, you know?

Whew, sorry for the novel! I just thought it would be helpful to hear my POV since I was very recently in the same situation. As others have suggested, I think "formal" is fine. Some guests may ask you in advance to specify further, but most people will just take that to mean kicking their normal wedding wear up a notch. Hope that helps!

I think sometimes the formality of the invitation can be an indicator of how the event will be. Also, not saying this is the right answer, but "black tie" is the only time I've ever seen attire indicated on invitations. Not sure what the consensus is on putting it on the invitation though

@twostep - I'm glad to hear that we're not the only one's who are facing this conundrum! It's a tough call because we are much like you, we know that the majority of our guests will not be financially burdened by the black tie aspect. However, there are a few outliers that neither my fiancé nor myself really know (people that parents' have on lists that are "must have") - we're scared that if we don't put anything, these people (if they attend) will wear jeans or khakis because this is what they feel is appropriate for a wedding reception.

Now I know that some people will get offended and say that adults know how to dress themselves, but I can't tell you how many times I've seen adults in jeans at receptions. While they won't be barred from the reception by any means, we don't want them to be resentful that they didn't get the message. I would hate to be the one showing up in a semi-casual outfit when everyone else is dressed to the nine's - ya know?

It's basically a damned if we do, damned if we don't! There's no way we can please everyone.

@KPizzle - I'm really hoping that the invitations will set the tone of the event. We're doing black and white with raised lettering. Fingers crossed that'll do the trick!

I agree with the suggestion of "formal" which suggests that tuxes are appropriate but not required. My very personal interpretation of "Black Tie Preferred" is always "we wanted to say black tie but don't want to be called jerks if you don't own a tux" and that Black Tie Optional means "groomsmen will be wearing tuxes so you have the option to wear one, but it's not required"

Id go formal or black tie optional!

I vote black tie optional.

My fiancé doesn't want to cave and put "Black Tie Optional" simply because he knows his mother will think it was 100% her idea and gloat on it (which she will). But that's neither here nor there. haha

What's the venue?

And to make sure: your guests won't have to pay for anything. Even valet.

Other things that weren't mentioned: five star venue (and not five stars on weddingwire, normally held at a hotel like the ritz Carlton) and starting after 6pm. And by wine service, do you mean a wine sommelier?

Your servers must wear white gloves. Your invites must be on linen paper. These things are not optional for a black tie wedding. I come from a "black tie" family where Christmas dinner was pretty much black tie.

Technically black tie optional is not a thing. It is either black tie or it isn't. So either put black tie on your invites or don't dictate dress at all. If people show up in jeans they will feel weird because of the formality of the event. And most people will ask what the formality of the event is, especially if black tie events are popular in your circle or family.