Best methods for telling parents their friends aren't coming to the wedding?

I see things somewhat differently. To me, regardless of who is paying, a wedding is also about the two families, not just the couple. If you have the capacity, I don't think it's unreasonable to set aside one table of friends for the parents who raised you or that it's asking too much, especially when they are offering to cover all the costs involved and more. As I said in a recent thread, that wouldn't be my hill to die on. In your place we had a discussion about whether the parents had any special guest requests even before choosing a venue.

My only hesitation with their request at this late date is that you normally don't want to be at full capacity.

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It's totally unreasonable to me and they simply won't be getting a table full of friends.

While they offered to cover costs, they have truly no idea what those costs involve. They were married long ago in a simple church setting. They don't understand really what the additional tables, chairs, flatware, centerpiece, meals, bar package numbers will all come to. And during the discussion they already cast judgement about how "fancy" it was. "I wouldn't care if we ate off paper plates" was just one of many quotes that came out of my Dad's mouth. So even if I said, Sure pay for your people and bring them in, there would be plenty of hemming and hawing about money and the cost of things.

I agree that part of the wedding is about more than the couple, its about their family. And we are inviting our family: the people who we cherish and who cherish us and are part of our lives as a couple. I will not be sacrificing any of my family (related or chosen) to make space for someone who knows nothing about me and who I have not seen or spoken to (not even online) in multiple decades.

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It’s your guest list. All I’m saying is it’s not an unusual gesture of appreciation. I don't think it's fair for them to come in at the last minute, though and would not sacrifice your own close friends or consider a B list. No one wants to be second choice.

I can see how it looks like your parents are only willing to participate if they can buy their way in. But, consider this may not be their intention. Perhaps now that is getting closer to date, they are finally getting excited. Couples today pay for their own weddings and caregivers are not obligated, so maybe they thought they had no right to comment before? Who knows, maybe their gift to you was meant for your marriage, not the wedding. Idk. You can certainly ask them why the avoidance.

I would recommend to find compassion and allow a few friends. Show them the cost of an additional table: price per person, another centerpiece, etc. That's the reality if they want to take it on... So when my sister got married, my parents paid and they filled it with friends. That was their way of recouping all the gifts and money they paid for other people's children's weddings. My sister did set boundaries. 20 years later, I get married and my parents' friends are now dead or recovering from strokes, surgeries, etc. Some of my guests have passed already in the 2 years since my wedding. Anyway, it's nice to celebrate life's events with friends. And as you get older, it gets lonelier. I wish you good luck deciding what is right for you.

If they aren't paying, they don't get a say. Honestly trying to buy their way into having some say seems really manipulative on their part. I get that. I think it's up to you, and there's no "wrong" answer.

If you want to say no to their request I would say something like "sorry we can't accommodate your guests at our wedding, case closed". The venue capacity does also mean you need to count the staff and your vendors such as DJ, photographer, etc. You may not have as much extra space as you would think. I would just stop giving specific details on things.

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Capacity depends on whether or not it refers to guest capacity or room capacity. They are two different things. The catering facilities I have dealt with have all provided numbers for the former, not the latter.

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The capacity I mentioned is in reference to the guest count for a seated ceremony in the ceremony space of our venue. Doesn't include staff or vendors. But...I could always go with the "it includes staff too" option for what I say to my parents since I'm already regretting giving specifics lol.

The more I think on it, the more I believe that their expectations/definitions of what a wedding entails are just vastly different from how my partner and I view it. Perhaps a conversation around that would help lessen disappointment on their end at not getting an entire table of friends. That convo just seems like a heavy lift for me since they are not good at talking about relationships or emotions, and as stated before, they haven't shown much interest in talking about the wedding at all.

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Boundaries are good, as is advocating for yourself. Definitely try that!

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I was kind of giving her a way to get out of that number that she told her parents.

View Quoted Comment That information is not difficult to come by. Venue guest capacity is easily found online. If the OP and FI ultimately decide not to accomodate the extra guests I think they are just going to have to say so.

Hey Sam,


I am going through a similar situation. My parents haven't talked much about the wedding but they haven't asked me to invite any of their friends either if that is fine. On the other hand, my fiancee’s parents can't stop talking about the wedding ( I under they are excited) and they offer to pay for all their friends which are like 5 couples I don't closely know, maybe I have seen more than one time that's it. My fiance hasn't seen those people in years but that's not all, they also wanted to invite the son and daughters of those couples, and I have not met them at all. I understand that we have to keep relationships and for the same reason I am confident of whoever loves me will be okay with my decision. So I told them that everyone is counted already and I want to keep it small with the people, I closely know and I and my fiance are comfortable with. My wedding size is 100 only counting family and close friends and I like the number so I will keep it like that no matter what anyone says.

If they’re not paying, they really don’t get a say, and even if they’re trying to use money now to get that say, you can definitely refuse it. The one thing I would consider in deciding whether to invite that one couple is how many people your parents will know. You mentioned other family coming, so they might have plenty of guests to hang out with. But my mom won’t know anyone at my wedding and is super isolated since covid, so I’m already worried about whether she’ll enjoy the reception since I can’t spend every second with her. I kind of wish she wanted to invite a buddy haha. If your parents will have plenty of people to talk to or are social and outgoing so they’ll feel comfortable befriending strangers all evening, then it’s less of a big deal.

Say that you have the guest list finalized and you will not change it. Don’t accept any monetary contributions because that gives them final say in all decisions and they already got married so it’s not their place to say anything. Set and maintain boundaries with consequences and do not let anyone bully or pressure you. If you cave, they will continue the behavior after the wedding with other decisions that affect your lives.

I wouldn't take your parents money if I were in your shoes. Given that they're claiming that they should be entitled to invite their friends despite not being the ones footing the bill, I could easily see that escalating to "we paid for the bar, we should get to pick the drinks," or something similar. Back when weddings were typically planned and paid for (at a much lower cost) by the bride's parents, it made sense that parents would get to invite their friends. Now that couples tend to be the ones footing the bill, the logic behind parents getting to invite their friends doesn't hold up as well.

Like Jacks mentioned, boundaries are good. If there's a group of people you'd rather have there than your parent's friends, I'd opt to invite them first.

I totally agree with you, OP. This is your wedding, not your parents'. You are inviting your beloved family, your parents' friends aren't family. You said you have your own friends who you can't invite due to space. If your parents wanted their friends at a wedding, they'd have had a bigger wedding of their own. No, I'm sorry, being inclusive for your parents or being nice to them because their your parents doesn't stop the fact that this is a party to celebrate you and your husband, it's simply not a fun get together for your parents.



The only friend of my parents I invited to my wedding was my mom's best friend since high school. This woman was essentially an aunt to me (I thought she *was* my aunt until I was maybe 10) and I genuinely enjoy her and her husband's company. If you hardly know the people your parents want to bring? Your party, your money, your guest list. End of.

To tell them, yeah, say you asked your venue and they specified capacity includes vendors. Or just plain explain "no. We don't know them, and this is a party for us. We're not inviting them."

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This won't be a problem for them. They will know tons of people. My family is already going to be triple what my partner's will be at the wedding. Another reason why they don't get a full extra table of people.

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Yes I agree. I think they see weddings as something quite different from how I see it. To them its an event where they get to see everyone they don't normally see. But I'm a gay man. My partner and I have quite literally marched in the streets for this. We have debated people on television to try and gain support for the right to marry. We have launched campaigns to raise awareness for marriage equality. and we waited for so long for the right to do this. As I result, I take it very seriously. Not as a "come one come all" event. But as a place to celebrate our love with the people who know us, love us, and have supported us along the way. Having also lost a partner to cancer, I feel finely attuned to how rare it is to find love, how much of a miracle it feels to find love a second time in life, and appreciative of how much my chosen family has surrounded and uplifted us both with support. I am quite firm on celebrating with the people I see as within that group, and I'm certainly not going to cut any of them off the guest list in favor of people I haven't seen since I was 6.

My parents are also trying to couch it with "well we were invited to their kids' wedding" (Not my problem. And, they really weren't close to their friends' kids so its still weird to me that they attended!) AND "well these people probably won't come, but it seems proper form to invite them" (No. If you invite someone you have to be prepared for them to say yes. Oy).