Best Man/bridesmaid/social Media Issues-seeking wise counsel or maybe it's me

While I can understand that you had your own social circle, it sounds like you didn’t even try to be friendly toward someone who your FH considers his best friend. That seems a bit extreme. Obviously they don’t need to expect to go on vacation with you, but I think by refusing to even double date with them that yes you did 100% alter the friendship that existed between your FH and Mark. There’s really nothing you can do. You don’t want these people in your life and they can feel that. Your FH will have to eventually decide how much of a relationship he can have with a friend who lives 4 hours away that his wife doesn’t want to see.

I do understand your point. I do admit that I struggle to be social. I have no issue with my fiance's other friends though. But can you also see how offputting it is for people you don't know to immediately assume you want to be besties, for them to be upset that you won't friend them on social media and how off it is for someone to google you like that? And also to just assume that they would automatically be a bridesmaid because their Boyfriend is going to be best man? I would never assume that. I've known these people just over two years. It's a lot of assuming going on and boundary stomping that I find inappropriate.

Again, I do see your points, thank you for sharing.

You’re absolutely allowed to choose who you spend time with, and don’t spend time with, who you form close relationships with, and who you go on vacation with. And just because your FH is friends with someone doesn’t mean that you have to be, or even to like them. Having said all that, it doesn’t sound to me like most of their behavior has been that terrible - although admittedly calling you by the ex’s name wasn’t cool, and expecting to be a bridesmaid was extremely presumptuous. It mainly just sounds like their version of friendly steps into ‘over friendly’ for you. It’s fine for you to feel that, but it doesn’t mean that it is objectively inappropriate. Gruesome Twosome seems to me a very loaded label.

Liz, thanks. I will dial back on the Gruesome Twosome. You are right, Mark and Mary are overly friendly for me. They are extreme introverts and I am the opposite.

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As someone who also considers myself pretty private, I completely understand why people who are the opposite can be really wearing 🙂 I remember reading something ( I think in Susan Cain’s book Quiet) about introverts not being broken extroverts. I try to remind myself that neither are extroverts broken introverts.

Yeah, it's really hard. There was something else that happened. My birthday party last october-Mary and Mark had schedule a trip to see my fiance then and assumed they would also be coming to my bday party-to which I only invited family and friends. My fiance told them it was just going to be for my family and friends. They were upset at this as they wanted to come and said they didn't see the big deal-they told my fiance since I was dating him, the polite thing to do would be to invite them.

No, it's not. I am not friends with them, they are friends with my fiance. Different ball of wax. Again, I feel put upon. I would never assume just because I was dating someone, his friends should invite me somewhere.

View Quoted Comment Tbh, I would MUCH rather someone err on the side of too friendly/welcoming than the opposite. They may have been a little too eager for your taste, but I’m sure it’s because they had such a great, easy situation before and they were hoping to bring you into that fold as well. As far as checking out your social media and googling you... I think that’s extremely common nowadays! I know myself and all my friends do it. It’s not to be “nosey”, it’s to just get a feel for the other person and see if there are things you have in common that you can discuss or do with them to help make them feel more comfortable when first meeting and getting to know someone. It sounds like FH’s best friends were trying to get to know you and make you feel a part of their friend group and you didn’t even give them a chance. For FH’s sake, I would attempt to build some sort of relationship with these people moving forward. Maybe if you mentally make the decision to wipe the slate clean, forget the past, and start anew (even if only for your fiancé‘s sake) you might find them more tolerable and maybe even friendship worthy!

I find googling me creepy and rather stalkerish. I don't send social media requests to people i don't know. I admit that because my family has money, I tend to be overly cautious about people's motives.

I also feel that them wanting access to my social media was not sincere. I think they were being nosey and trying to see what kind of lifestyle I lead, etc.

View Quoted Comment Just offering an outsider’s perspective. The reality is, most people in America do google people and/or check out their social media accounts, and most do not do it in a “stalkerish” manner. It sounds as though you have some issues and some preconceived notions about these people (and people in general) that you may have unfairly projected onto your fiancé‘s friends. I will say, I also come from a privileged background. And never do I immediately assume the worst of people‘s motives. Doing so is quite unhealthy and serves to limit you and your relationships with others. I am guessing this behavior must be coming from a past experience you’ve had? And if so, therapy may help you do you navigate through this issue in a healthy way.

Lol, I'm American. I just naturally am suspicious. My friends are all people I have known for years. I really am a private person. I agree it is not the best to always assume the negative-I admit I am a pessimist.

But at the same time. Mary and Mark are not my type of people and while I may have have judged them early on, I don't have to be friends with them.

I can't get past Mary assuming she'd be a bridesmaid and her and Mark attempting/assuming to vacation with us. My fiance's other friends don't do that. I find it offputting and weird.

View Quoted Comment I agree that the assumption she would be a bridesmaid is definitely strange. Especially considering the lack of friendship up until this point. That being said, I have seen multiple people post here on WW about girlfriends of groomsmen assuming they will be bridesmaids, even though they are not close friends with the bride. So apparently this happens a lot! I’ve also seen multiple people post about couples who are both in the wedding, and the girlfriends/wives immediately assume they will be walking down the aisle together, even if he is the best man and she is just a bridesmaid. I think sometimes people don’t think past their own situations to the bigger picture.

I had no idea that situation was so common. To me, I've heard more of in-laws expecting to be bridesmaids/groomsmen, which makes more sense.

I do know that when Mary found out I was not going to have her as a bridesmaid, she said that the chance to be one, would help Mark see her in a different light. What that means, I don't know. I assume he may be dragging his feet in marrying her, I am not sure.

But either way, it's not appropriate and shows me she didn't want to be a bridesmaid to support me, it was all about Mark.

View Quoted Comment Also, I’d like to offer a personal experience that may help. My ex had a close female friend who he spent a lot of time with when we first started dating. (Who, by the way, I totally checked out on social media! LOL) It was apparent immediately that she was not my typical “cup of tea” and I definitely had concerns about being able to bond with her. Then, within the very first 10 minutes of meeting her, she asked me to meet her out for dinner and drinks. Just the 2 of us. Everything within my being was screaming no!.. but I agreed for my SO‘s sake. She had me meet her at an establishment I would have NEVER gone to, and that was completely out of my comfort zone. I stuck out like a sore thumb. I struggled to conversate with her the entire time. It was the longest, most awkward dinner of my life. But I knew this person was close to my SO. So I didn’t stop trying. When we were in group settings, I always made a point to talk with her. When she was dating somebody, we went on double dates with them. And I’m not sure when it happened, but somewhere along the line I was no longer “faking” interest for my SO’s sake.. I was actually bonding with her. That guy and I broke up 6 years ago.. and I am still friends with her to this day! So, maybe don’t give up on these people just yet. Maybe if you let down your walls and preconceived notions, and push yourself outside your comfort zone (it’s going to feel forced and awkward at first), maybe you’ll be pleasantly surprised! After all, you can never have too many people in your corner! And I’m sure your fiancé would be ecstatic if his future wife and best friends formed a bond. Sometimes the most unlikely of candidates becomes the best surprise friend you’ll ever make!

View Quoted Comment It definitely sounds as though she was hoping Mark would see her as a marrying material! But your wedding is certainly not the appropriate place to push that agenda.

Ava, thanks for telling me that story. I think maybe if Mark wasn't dating Mary, I would have an easier time with the whole thing, but after that bridesmaid thing, I am eternally turned off on her. I won't be used to try and make Mark commit or help him to see her differently.

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I agree with you on this and don't know anyone else who does this either for the same reasons.

Sit down with fiance and let him know your feelings. As a team, you need to set and maintain boundaries together. People who have never been told no before tend to get defiant and feel it doesn't apply to them.

Michelle, thank you. I will do that. I do think that maybe a talk is overdue. We need to decide together on how Mark and Mary will fit into our lives and also the wedding.

Honestly, I do not particularly like my husband’s best friends but I am still friendly toward them because he was friends with them before he met me and they have never been mean or anything to me. They are just into things that I’m not and a couple of them are a bit much for me. But just because you dont like these people doesnt mean you have to actively push them away. Expecting to be a bridesmaid was the only thing that struck me as a red flag from what you wrote. Going out to dinner with them every once in a while isnt really a big deal if it makes your FH happy. By pushing his friends away too much you may end up hurting his friendships with people

Let me be clear, Mark and Mary are the only friends my fiance has that I do not care for. As I said, due to Mary's trying to worm her way into being a bridesmaid for her own selfish reasons, I have no interest in being around her.

In all honesty, I think you never gave this couple a chance. I go well out of my way to be personable with my FH friends and their wives- when I first met them and even now. I can't imagine being friendly with one of them and them being cold with me. Them calling you the ex's name may have annoyed me a little, but I would have gotten over it. And everyone googles people. The admitted it to you, but I can almost assure you they weren't the first ones LOL

From my experiences on both ends of this, I think you need to make an effort with your FH's people. I'm sure your fiancé loves you very very much, but there is nothing worse than a S.O who doesn't play nice with your friends, or at least try to. He is your future husband, so he will (or should) take your side in issues like this, but it shouldn't come down to him having to chose between his friends and his wife - especially if nothing happened for you not to care for them. The last thing you want is to cause issues down the road with your husband because you can't get along with his people.

Just my opinion!