Best Man inviting HIS friends to Bachelor Party

Maybe they are going to surprise him with something good? No? Not possible?

Sounds like that's not the case, and as much as I would hate to sound redundant here, I tend to agree with Mrs Mash that maybe there's more there. I understand he is going through a lot, but this is going to be your husband. This is the person who will be over your children if God forbid something happens to you, the one you have to trust that can make decisions for your family. Maybe you have to give him the opportunity to deal with it on his own. I understand your concerns, and they are noble. I do believe you want the best for him, but like they said, he is not your child... If anything maybe you could help mediate, but I wouldn't involve yourself much past that. I'm sorry he's had to deal with recent loss, but unfortunately loss is part of life. We all experience it (I hope you know I'm not saying this in a mean way-I'm a nurse I see loss all the time). I hate to think that this issue would really break him and make him a "shell". Maybe he needs the opportunity to be on his own and express himself independently. Maybe it'll be a good thing to have him step outside his comfort zone... Also, if it's so close to the funeral, maybe it's not the best timing for it?

Bottom line, I wouldn't speak to BM. It has the potential to backfire on you. If I was a MoH and planning a bachelorette party and her FH came and told me that he didn't approve I would definitely feel put off. I would like to think it wouldn't affect the friendship, but it has a good chance it could. If he didn't have many friends to begin with, maybe risking losing another is not a very good idea.

Or maybe they are going to surprise him?

My BM threw me s bachelorette party. The first part of it (what we were doing) was a surprise. I gave her a guest list. When i walked in there were several people there that she invited that weren't invited to my wedding. Some even brought me a gift. I didn't know what to say. I mean they knew they weren't invited and still came. I just rolled with it and we had a good time.

I would let it be. FFIL invited a guy to FH's bachelor party that we literally don't even know. He's not on the wedding list. This is usually on whoever is planning this, you don't have to invite these people!

He's a grown man, and I think he is capable of handeling the situation. My FH also has social anxiety and he decided to throw the BP at home- im going on a trip, so they boys will have the house to themselves. He was afraid of random people or people he didnt want to see, so he call whomever he wanted to invite and he throwing a party for himself. Whether that the proper etiquette, i dont know but it solves the problem...

Thanks to those of you who mentioned your parties having included people you didn't have in the invite list, that helps a little.

Went to bed and came back to all these comments about how there must be something else here. I've given all the information. I know my FH and I did tell him to handle it and he will if I keep after him about it.

And as stated multiple times there are more than two other people coming. We only got the names of two. To my knowledge they're not being told it's a bachelor party, just that is a trip to Dave and busters. My concern is my FH, I don't want him taken out the week after the funeral and left alone in an unfamiliar place where he can't leave while his bm hangs with his friends.

And yes it does affect him this much. He cried about how he's been just letting things happen that he knows he shouldn't and not being able to take control. I just want to help him.

I've told him I will not speak to the best man for him but that doesn't mean I can't give him advice when he's asking me for it.

He had expressed concern for the date of the bachelor party for several reasons, including the funeral. The best man keeps assuring him that "it'll be fine" and doesn't move it.

FH might need to put his foot down and say that he can't do that date. If his BM declines and it's stressing FH that much, maybe consider cancelling.

@constance Yeah if FH can't work out something with bm for him to at least be comfortable at the party, I might suggest that. Bm knows the whole family and knows how FH is so I'm really not sure why he's doing this.

If he's voiced his concerns already and BM has brushed them off, he needs to find a new friend.

Friends aren't unsupportive like that.

@LaGrosera I agree. We've both been friends with bm for about 6 years and he's kind of an acquired taste. But he was a big part of getting us together in the beginning, encouraging FH towards asking me out since FH is incredibly anxious with that stuff. I think that's a big part of why he ended up bm to begin with. FH is very bad at going out and making friends though so I don't see him doing so any time soon. Through our relationship he's only gone out into a real social setting by himself once - for free magic cards haha.

My fh's best man invited 2 people to the bachelor party that isn't to our wedding. It is what it is. These people know their not invited to the wedding (as we're not that close to them). One is going and one isn't.

It's just not a battle worth fighting. It's annoying but they weren't On the list fh gave so it's not worth us stressing over someone else doing something rude.

If you want to address it, then fh should address it

Is your FH in therapy? Because it sounds like dealing with the death of his older brother combined with his social anxiety is causing some major issues for him. And it's not fair of him to expect you to be the emotional pack-mule in this situation - nor should you volunteer to be.

I'd be looking into getting him into a few therapy sessions. That might be all he needs - an objective, third party to speak with and help him work through his thoughts.

@MrsWrs, BM, FH, I, and several others all met at a past job. BM was friends with Ex before meeting me - met me through Ex before I started the job. BM his wife had a shotgun romance and wedding, and in the time they dated was when I broke up with Ex. Wife ALSO worked with me, disliked me at work, came to hate me because she became close with Ex and I 'hurt' him by giving up on his bullshit lies and cheating and left him. Ex held/still holds a huge grudge against me and BM's wife is very close with him and supports this grudge. Of the two people invited that we know of [again, BM said he invited more but would not name these others] FH knows one and has never met the other. FH ALSO dislikes the one he knows that I dislike, as this person ALSO worked with us at said job and has a really bad attitude with everything and FH was his boss there. The second one, who I know and FH does not, worked at a separate store in the same chain that I worked at and FH did not, which is why I and the rest of the GM know him but FH does not. He is also a rude ass, but my dislike for him comes from his sexism.

And 'being a grown up and dealing with it' is not something that can just be 'done' when you have the level of anxiety with everything that FH has. I'm not speaking to BM for him, I said that many times already. But I WILL help him in any way I can to stand up for his decision. Because it IS his decision.

@OG Alecia he considered it previously before BM changed the plans for the party but with the new plan he thought it would be a fun night, until he found out these other people are coming along. So he is considering it.

@Cheval He has his ups and downs, he has a therapist and he had tried medication as well but it made things worse so now he's just on a mix of vitamins and an exercise regime to try and help balance him out. He doesnt expect me to be an emotional pack mule and I don't volunteer as one but that doesn't mean I can't support and help him. He has struggled with this very much his entire life and before his brother's loss he was in a very good upswing but that set him back considerably. But he does work hard to fight it, sometimes he just loses himself.

Are you his mom or his soon to be wife? Learn the boundary lines and understand the way you're acting seems wayyy over the lines. He is an adult. Having anxiety is no excuse for letting your wife handle all your issues & make your decisions. He has to learn this. God forbid, but what if you're not around someday? He's gotta deal with his problems in his own way, bachelor party included.

This is still weird to me almost borderline psycho. Aside from the date and tentative location, I have no clue what's going on with FH bachelor party nor do I really care. Is there an underlying trust issue?

OP- good to hear that he/both of you have tried multiple ways of helping him cope and process. If he's not in therapy currently, I would heavily suggest that he schedule an appointment; it's really not uncommon at all for someone struggling with a mental health issue to "relapse" when faced with a major life event, like a sibling dying. He may just need a little power boost/reminder of what skills he has in his toolkit.

And my emotional pack-mule comment is in no way to suggest you shouldn't support him; you should, that's part of the role when you're someone's spouse. However, it sounds like you're doing much more than supporting him, from what you've described here. My FH has anxiety issues as well, so I'm familiar with feeling the need to help at any cost to make him feel better. BUT he'll feel a lot better if, instead of you stepping in to take over tasks he should be doing, he accomplishes those tasks himself. You can remind him and ask him questions about them - but intervening by calling the BM or wife is something he needs to do.

BM and wife don't sound like such lovely people, though.

@FutureMrsMash He is an adult but I have seen how he handles things when left to himself during a slump and I want to spare him that. There is nothing wrong with helping your SO out when they are struggling.

@FutureMrs wow that's a new one. I don't see why me being concerned with my FH's mental state makes me have trust issues? But no. There are no trust issues. Far from it, FH and I trust each other more than most of the couples we are friends with. [BM + Wife make a great example since he isn't even allowed to buy a soda or go to a friends house without his wife's permission...] and all this is is me being concerned that my FH will be left in a Dave and Busters somewhere that is 2 hours away on a sunday night and I will have to load my six year old son from his bed to the car and drive 2 hours to this place so FH can escape a situation he admits he probably isn't going to be able to handle.

It's great that most of you have never had to experience crippling anxiety issues and depression, good for you. But just because you can not fathom how this could be a concerning issue does not mean that I don't trust my FH or that I'm meddling or anything else. It simply means I care about my FH and he struggles to handle this stuff, and he asked for my help and I'm trying to find a happy medium where I do not have to talk to his BM for him but FH can still nicely get BM to understand why strangers or random people he hasn't seen in years and never liked are bad ideas for this.

@Cheval thanks. His job is good and they have a 24/7 therapist he can talk to when ever needed but that's never helped him as much as one would expect. Last night when he brought this up to me and we talked about it he had a kind of 'eye opener' moment where he did realize he's been letting everyone else handle everything and hasn't put in the time and work he should have, so I'm hoping that feeling he got about how he needs to push himself to do this will carry through today and he can get everything handled - I just won't know until he comes home from work in 5 or so hours.

You are definitely correct that FH will feel much better if he handles everything he should himself and I do my best to nudge him in the direction of doing that. Many things lately I have had to handle at the last minute because he puts them off and I let them go as long as I can but it's all been small stuff that isn't a big deal [like picking out wedding day music]. But this I'm doing my best to stand firm on him handling it, I just want to get him some good advice and have him ready with what he wants to say so he doesn't get tripped up or discouraged when its actually time to say it.

@Catlady he did ask me to intervene already but he wants me to talk to the BM for him and I just do not want to resort to that so I'm really trying to just give him all the info he needs and let him handle the conversation with BM. And he is very much one to not want anyone he doesn't know or barely knows around for his party. He clams up still around couples we've spent lots of time.

@MrsWrs after wedding budget we don't really have the funds to pay for that trip home, it would be quite expensive since it's over an hour and involves toll roads, or over 2 hours and involves non-tolls. Not this close to the wedding when everything is coming down and I recently lost my job and he's had to take time off with his brother's loss. And like I said we only got this news last night so he's still trying to figure out if he wants to cancel it or if he wants to try. I mentioned previously he rarely gets to see his friends so I can't blame him for wanting to try [even if it ends in me having to go get him] simply so he can get all of them together in one place. This is his one special event for the wedding that is supposed to be for him, so he's carefully considering it today while he's at work before making any decisions.

ETA: Just saw your edit, and all of 'his' friends at the Bach party are riding in the same car with BM. BM is being the DD and doing all the driving so everyone else FH invited can drink and have fun [and because his wife doesn't let him drink anyways]. So there will be one vehicle which he knows the driver of, and that's it.

@MrsWrs I'm leaning towards that choice as well but I really want him to make the choice one way or another. He had told BM concerns about the date a couple weeks ago, more than just the funeral but its also a sunday evening and most of the invite list works retail and will not want a late night that sunday. If he wants to try to go I can't fault him for it because getting out is better than staying home sometimes, so I'm just giving him my thoughts on his concerns and what his options are as best I can.

Not your issue to deal with. Even if FH asked you to get involved, if he wants it changed, he needs to be the one who contacts BM to uninvite those guests.