Backwards Wedding

Girl, do what's right for you.

I've seen people get married for insurance reasons and call it being engaged, and they had a wedding a year later.

I've seen people do a courthouse wedding and then throw a party later.

Just because you get married at the courthouse does not mean you have to give up a party. It might be different than a traditional wedding. You have to decide what's right for you.

You're trying to protect your husband and want to have a party...Then tell people and say "we got married to protect his insurance but we are still doing all the usual festivities as planned. We realized it's a little unusual but what's usual anymore?" I don't know how your family and friends would feel about that but it's a way to go.

View Quoted Comment This is so extra. While I dont agree with lying to guests there is zero need to name call.

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There were 0 names called.

View Quoted Comment You said OP would be a “disgusting excuse for a human being” if she lied about getting married. How is that not name calling?

View Quoted Comment I hear you but you are going to want to be proud of your new hubby bc its still just as special 😀. I think you can still do the whole experience and be married and let ppl know.

One of my best friends did something similar to this due to her husband being a German citizen. She did a small courthouse thing a year before her wedding, so he was able to stay in the country. It wasn't a secret that they were already married at the time of their wedding, but we treated her wedding a wedding day-- not a vowel renewal. She had the whole wedding experience ( bridal party, bach parties, shower, etc). No one that I know found it tacky at all to treat her day as an actual wedding. I guess it depends on your crowd, but in my opinion people who are close to you will be understanding of your circumstances. Life doesn't always fit into our well designed plans. I feel there is no need to hide the marriage if you do a small thing first, but you also don't need to give up the wedding experience you have already dreamed of either.

Personally, I would just get married and be done with it. If would be pretty hurt to go to a "wedding" to find out you have been married for two years. Vow renewal, cool. I get it. But not telling guest, not cool.

Life happens and sometimes the dreams we had as kids need to change. That's okay. You are not less married by just going to the courthouse.

I don't see her asking for extra parties. She is asking for the same parties anyone could get, just after the paperwork part of the marriage instead of before. She's trying to ensure her husband doesn't die/go into medical debt from a lack of healthcare, not trying to scam people into double gifts.

If you don't think she should keep it a secret that's one thing (for the record, plenty of people, myself included, don't inform people they are engaged/married for a variety of reasons), but to jump to the conclusion that she wants EXTRA parties, when she clearly said she just wants the usual and is worried how people will react if she tells them the paperwork is signed, is a bit far.

Your advice could easily be - if you are worried people will feel you don't deserve the same treatment as any other bride because you took this route (for a very legit reason), I understand your concern. But I think it's important to tell your closet family the truth and make it clear you don't want to make a big deal of it, but that you plan on doing the full wedding parts (the show of it all) in the usual order as planned. I just don't think trying to keep it a secret from everyone for so long is a good idea. - end advice

Please be kind, everyone.

Do what works for you and your partner. You can choose to celebrate your marriage and wedding however you wish. So if it’s a legal marriage now and a ceremony and reception later is what you both would feel comfortable with go for it.

There are slightly better ways to phrase things if you want to appear to people's better angels.

For instance, "I think that lying to your family could be really harmful in the long run."

Or "It could get pretty awkward when you finally tell people the truth. Your friends and family might not appreciate the 2+ year secret."

Or even "I think you should just tell people the truth upfront. Being honest is usually the best bet."

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You're welcome to sugarcoat things and beat around the bush, but I've found that being direct is usually the best course of action and gives the most desirable end result.

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I'm an extremely direct person on WW (to the point where a lot of people don't care for me on here). I would never say the things you said. You should really think about your approach and maybe read the Community Guidelines so you can stick around and everything you say doesn't get flagged and taken down.

Then how about "Lying, or lying by omission, to your friends and family is wrong." Pretty direct, no? And without the inference (which even if you didn't mean, people heard) she is on the verge of becoming a despicable human being.

Hon, I totally get it but there is no such thing as a backwards wedding. You get married when you get married. Have a vow renewal or a marriage celebration later.

I totally get this situation. And I’m in the middle of this as well. My husband and I got married in January for insurance reasons because I have medical things going on. Although at that point we were already engaged and planning a wedding for December 2020.
We decided to tell people that we got married but are still having a wedding. The reactions that we have gotten are nothing but positive ones. Our friends and family are so happy that we’re married (and understanding of our circumstances). They also understand that we are still going to have a wedding because we want to include everyone and celebrate our love with them as well!
We are definitely having a wedding reception next December, but I think that we are going to do more of a “vow renewal” instead of a ceremony. We will recite the vows that we said to each other at the courthouse and we will have some passages read, but we will not exchange rings (as we already have them) and we will not do the pronouncement of husband and wife or any of the legal stuff (as we already did that). But of course I’ll kiss him (because duh)!
I personally don’t feel that my marriage to my husband is any less special or real because we got married at the courthouse. And honestly, I don’t think my guests will care if they don’t hear the legal stuff said or see us put rings on each other’s fingers. At the end of the day, my husband and I got married early because we needed to for my health, and my friends and family know and respect that decision. We got to celebrate with just the two of us on that day; we are hosting a wedding so that our loved ones can celebrate with us.

2 1/2 years is a really long time to keep your marriage a secret. Elope, have a party to celebrate and enjoy telling the world about your husband. Wear your ring with joy and pride. You can still get a dress and flowers. You can still have a reception later if you can't do it right away.

Most certainly do the marriage in the courthouse for his health sake! He has to have that insurance with his condition. You can do the whole 9 yard wedding with your family and friends and that is including the exchange wedding rings and the vows. It is part of the ceremony that everyone wants to see. They don't know that you're already married so this is their first time to see you get married. Have fun with it as they celebrate your unity with your husband.

In your situation I would go ahead and go to the court house now so theres no worry. You can still have the beautiful wedding in years

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I don't want to be harsh, but I think that's a really bad reason to lie to everyone you love. You are lying to them so they will throw you parties. That's not really fair to them. If I was your friend and tricked into throwing you a shower or a bachelorette, I probably wouldn't be your friend anymore if I ever found out. It always shocks me when I hear people want to lie about being married for whatever the reason. People will probably still get you wedding gifts, so you can use that to upgrade your stuff as opposed to a shower and you can just plan a fun day with your girlfriends around the time of the wedding. I think you need to either tell the truth and just enjoy your vow renewal later or find a different insurance option for your FH. Tricking people into throwing parties for you just seems incredibly rude and disrespectful. I could never imagine doing that to people I care about.

I don't see anything wrong with doing that. My best friend did the same thing. I have considered it because I work at a hospital and have amazing insurance that costs me virtually nothing and my fiance doesn't. I JUST had him opt out of the work insurance at his new job and we got him BC covered ca until October. If it was for 2 1/2 more years I would have just married him at the courthouse privately so that I could add him on.