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Just Said Yes September 2019

Asking bridesmaid to step down?

Dunn, on May 21, 2019 at 5:04 PM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 10
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I don’t know what to do. I was such good friends with a girl where I lived for a few years. We became so close and talked every single day. She became a sister to me. I moved away but we stayed close. Talked almost every day and even met up and hung out a couple times despite the distance. Well I got engaged and asked her to be in my wedding and she was so excited and we talked a ton about the wedding and she replied to me on everything no matter what. But out of nowhere she just stopped replying to me. No texts back, no replies to my social media tags, nothing. I wholeheartedly believe it’s because of a guy and her new life. But it’s breaking my heart. I don’t feel close AT ALL to her anymore. I even told her if she feels like she doesn’t want to be in my wedding then she can tell me, but she didn’t even address it she just replied to another part of my text. I don’t know what to do! I have another friend who I am very close to and would instantly say yes to being in the wedding, but I didn’t ask her because my fiancé only had a few guys he could ask so I couldn’t ask any more girls. I feel like my bridesmaid doesn’t even want to be friends with me anymore, no reason why. But I don’t know what I would say to her. She has caused me a lot of stress too. We rearranged a bunch of planned stuff for her to be able to attend and then all of a sudden she said she couldn’t make the trip but she wasn’t apologetic about it either. I feel like I’ve been so accommodating to her and understanding, but not the other way around. Please help..

10 Comments

  • FutureMrsD
    Rockstar July 2019
    FutureMrsD ·

    I'd just call her and tell her how you've been feeling super ignored, and you are feeling like she doesn't want to be in your wedding.

  • Super September 2019
    ·
    View Quoted Comment
    I completely agree with this. Try calling and talking with her. It's so hard with all.the wedding planning and stress it can cause and of course everyone else has stuff going on in their own life
  • V
    Super July 2019
    Vanessa ·

    Most people will tell you that you shouldn't replace a bridesmaid because it could hurt the original bridesmaid's feelings or the new bridesmaids. However, I have replaced three bridesmaids in my wedding. All three made the decision to step down. Bridesmaid #1 I was concerned about asking her to be a bridesmaid from day 1, but my then maid of honor was also friends with her and assured me everything would be fine. I had told bridesmaid number #1 that I was planning on going dress shopping with all of the bridesmaids and groomswoman if she could make it that would be great. She asked me if I had a date. I checked with each girl when they might be available and I also checked with her and we all agreed on a date. Fast forward to the day before dress shopping, bridesmaid #1 tells me that she completely forgot about dress shopping even though I checked with her about 1 month before to schedule it and that she had to work which I wasn't thrilled with and it made me concerned because she didn't seem very organized because she had told me when initially asked that she was going to ask off from work. She also hadn't given me her address despite me asking her 2-3 times because we were collecting addresses for our save the dates. During the conversation about dress shopping, she also informed me that she didn't know if she'd have the money to buy the dress or travel to the wedding even though the wedding was only 30 minutes from where she lived. By this point, I was extremely concerned and asked if she really wanted to be a bridesmaid anymore and she said it was probably best if she drop out because she didn't know if she would even be attending. I ended up asking the wife of one of our groomsmen. She is close to both my fiance and I. She is also extremely reliable and she was beyond excited to be included. Maid of Honor had been my best friend for 10+ years and I had actually selected her over my sister which hurt my sister's feelings, but my sister was going through a breakup at the time and had decided not to be the maid of honor in another wedding so I didn't think she would mind me picking my bff as my maid of honor. It turned out this was a HUGE mistake. My maid of honor instantly assumed she would be responsible for hosting my bridal shower by herself and my bachelorette party. Within weeks of being engaged, she was asking me my thoughts on both and at that point I had no idea because I hadn't thought that far ahead. She started trying to plan stuff and then she informed me she was the maid of honor in a wedding for another friend the weekend after our wedding. I knew she was stressed about being the maid of honor in both weddings. My mom, fmil, and fsil (bridesmaid) all reached out to my maid of honor to try to help her with planning, but she kept ignoring their calls, texts, and Facebook messages. My mom, fmil, and fsil wanted to go look at venues for my bridal shower since my maid of honor wasn't getting back to them about it. My maid of honor's brother reached out to me right around Christmas telling me that she thought I wanted her to do and pay for everything which wasn't the case at all. I hadn't even been aware of what she was planning because my bridal shower was supposed to be surprise. I then talked to her and she acted like everything was perfectly fine and that she knew I didn't expect her to do and pay for everything so I thought everything was fine and she understand my expectations. Fast forward about two weeks and no one else can get in touch with her. My mom, fmil, and fsil agreed to meet up and go look at venues without my maid of honor because she wasn't responding to phone calls, texts, or Facebook messages. They tried contacting her for over a month. The day before they were scheduled to go look at venues my maid of honor finally responded to my mom. My mom told her what she had planned with my fmil and fsil. My maid of honor got really upset and said she couldn't afford those types of places. They were looking at having it at a restaurant and all three were going to pitch in and help pay for my shower. My mom messaged my maid of honor, but she never responded. Instead, she called me up sobbing because my mom had gotten frustrated and snapped at her about this. My maid of honor didn't understand why my mom was upset, but it was because she had gone over a month morning everyone including me. During the call with my maid of honor, she said she didn't want to be maid of honor, but would have to think about if she still wanted to be in the wedding at all which was fine. After that phone call, my mom and sister informed me that my maid of honor had been badmouthing my fiance and I to them. She didn't like that we didn't want her to have crazy makeup for the wedding. She didn't like my fiance for numerous reasons. After hearing everything she said, I asked her about it and she at first tried claiming none of what my mom or sister told me was true, but she eventually admitted it and we are no longer friends because of this. My sister is now my maid of honor. Bridesmaid #3 was one of my coworkers. I have since lost my job and she decided being in the wedding would be too difficult since I am no longer working there. She was technically my supervisor, but she isn't the one that fired me. My brother's wife replaced her. I was her maid of honor and I had been feeling terrible about not including her in the wedding and she offered to be a bridesmaid after bridesmaid #3 dropped out so things worked out perfectly. In hindsight, I probably should have picked these girls from the beginning, My mom had warned me that bridesmaid #1 might not be the best idea and she was concerned that my maid of honor didn't seem excited when I asked her to be in my wedding. Based on everything I have said, I would try speaking with your bridesmaid about this issue again. This time I would ask her point blank do you still want to be in my wedding. If she doesn't answer or gives a vague response that she be your answer. As for replacing her, if you are sure this other girl wouldn't be hurt and would love to be a bridesmaid I say go for it. Not sure if your bridesmaids have dresses yet and if they do if you are having them all wear the exact same dress, but if so I would quickly make a decision so that the new bridesmaid can get the dress. The dress was the issue I ran into because my bridesmaids are all wearing the same dress and the dress is now a special order item. It wasn't previously, but lucky for me bridesmaid #3 and my brother's wife wear the same size and bridesmaid #3 gave me her dress because she said she didn't want to cause me more stress after I already lost my job.

  • D
    Just Said Yes September 2019
    Dunn ·
    Thank you all!
  • Iva
    Super September 2019
    Iva ·
    Have you tried giving her a call & telling her how you feel & what your concerns are?
    Since you asked her to be your BM, have you talked to her about anything else but your wedding? Sometimes people get tired of talking about your wedding all the time 😆 especially if you don’t ask them about their own life, any big changes they might be going through (like you mentioned her a new life) etc.
  • D
    Just Said Yes September 2019
    Dunn ·
    View Quoted Comment
    Yeah I actually try to talk to her about a ton of stuff, but she just never replies. And if I were to call her, she wouldn’t answer the phone. I tried once and it went to voicemail but then I saw her on Facebook shortly after.
  • Megan
    Savvy June 2019
    Megan ·

    I've just recently gone through this same thing. We were two months away to the wedding and one of my bridesmaids who was previously very excited about the whole thing started to straight up ignore my texts (wedding related and non-wedding related) out of nowhere. Your bridesmaids should not contribute to your wedding stress-- they are there to alleviate it. Having someone in your wedding that is both unreliable and uninterested can be a huge downer on the whole thing. If you have another close friend that is willing to step in for you then don't be afraid to ask. I called upon a fairly new friend who was incredibly nice and supportive from the get-go, literally a month and a half from the wedding, and she has already made my life so much easier and happier. Take the leap of faith. It's your wedding day after all. Best of luck in your planning adventures, you've got this!

  • C
    Devoted November 2020
    Casey ·
    As people will say- replacements are seen as rude and asking someone to step down almost always ends the friendship. However, I just wanted to add that you absolutely don't NEED even sides. If you want this extra girl in your party then ask her! You'll get to enjoy having her as a bridesmaid plus having her around to chat wedding with will relieve your other friend and perhaps lessen tension and help the friendship. just an idea, though. I hope it all works out!
  • Eamsee
    Super June 2019
    Eamsee ·

    You said that you believe that her change in personality happened after she started seeing a new guy. Do you know this man, have you met him? The first thing that came to mind is that there could possibly be an abusive situation going on here. Many victims of domestic abuse become more and more introverted and eventually cut off contact with their friends and family. Do you know if this is just a unique situation with you or has she been doing this to all of her friends? I would make sure this isn't a case of abuse and isolation first and foremost.

  • Renee
    Devoted April 2020
    Renee ·
    View Quoted Comment

    I was thinking the same thing

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