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Julie
Dedicated October 2022

Anyone else's fiancé' not on board with the planning process?

Julie, on September 8, 2020 at 1:05 AM Posted in Planning 2 82
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Is anyone else having a hard time getting their fiancé excited about the wedding process? He says he wants to be involved, be given quotes, estimates, and ideas, and I've done ALL of that for several different venues already. I think he wants a magic exact number of what everything will cost, but all I can give him is a price range. Obviously I cant get catering, floral, photography, etc. quotes without having a locked date and place. I have gotten lots of estimates and have presented these to him. For me, I am READY to plan and both him and I would be paying for our wedding, which our budget isn't HUGE but honestly I feel is doable for us in our circumstances. He thinks that with the AFFORDABLE pricing I've given him, with still a beautiful wedding, we'd be wasting money, but until he's completely on board with the process, I feel as though I'm wasting my time researching if were never going to lock a date. He knows that I don't ask for a lot and am not one of those women who needs to be showered with things, but the one things he has known for YEARS is that I've always wanted to plan a wedding someday. Its not like this is news to him. I feel like covid has put a huge damper on the world, and I'm here grateful for the opportunity to start to plan an event and something positive to look forward to, and I cant seem to get my fiancé excited about it. Anyone else having similar issues? Please tell me I'm not alone here.

82 Comments

Latest activity by Cassandra, on September 16, 2020 at 8:54 AM
  • Melle
    Rockstar June 2019
    Melle ·
    • Flag
    Yea I think that’s a general groom thing where they’re not as involved in the process and don’t quite understand all that is even needed.
    Maybe ask him what he’s particularly excited about? For instance my husband was interested in alcohol for the wedding so he undertook that himself. Like give him tasks he would be interested in to help pique his interest
    • Reply
  • Julie
    Dedicated October 2022
    Julie ·
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    That's the problem, I know he wants to have a wedding but doesn't want to even talk about it, or gets annoyed when I do and always brings up "money we'd be wasting" We don't even have a date or venue so I feel like nothing else can happen until that's booked. I think for him, he probably assumes I'm just going to give up my wedding dreams if he doesn't get on board with planning/booking. I don't need his help planning anything, but I definitely need to split expenses with him and just some enthusiasm would be nice when I talk about it you know?!

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  • Julie
    Dedicated October 2022
    Julie ·
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    That's the problem, I know he wants to have a wedding but doesn't want to even talk about it, or gets annoyed when I do and always brings up "money we'd be wasting" We don't even have a date or venue so I feel like nothing else can happen until that's booked. I think for him, he probably assumes I'm just going to give up my wedding dreams if he doesn't get on board with planning/booking. I don't need his help planning anything, but I definitely need to split expenses with him and just some enthusiasm would be nice when I talk about it you know?!

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  • KiwiDerbyBride
    VIP May 2015
    KiwiDerbyBride ·
    • Flag
    Tell him if he thinks the quotes you’ve found are too expensive, he can do his own research to find pricing he thinks is acceptable. But he doesn’t get to say no to your ideas without providing ideas of his own.
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  • Jai Butcher
    Rockstar May 2020
    Jai Butcher ·
    • Flag
    Another way to go about it is maybe try asking "what type of wedding do you want". Like my husband wanted 100 people, and I wanted 50. Due to covid we had 7. Seeing how big the wedding will be (50 people, 10 people, whatever number ) can help you determine a budget! And that can be more definitive
    • Reply
  • Kell
    Super March 2021
    Kell ·
    • Flag
    Yes, I did. We ended up compromising and narrowed down our options to eloping out of state which would cost us about $1500 or we would go to the courthouse and marry. His parents will likely throw us a reception at their house at a later date.


    May I ask how much is your overall budget goal?
    I've seen/heard couples say they only spent $10,000 on a wedding/reception and they thought that was cheap; but I think that number is expensive and I would more likely pay off my college debt with it or use it as a house diwn payment. Different people meabs different perspectives even if they are our significant others.


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  • Biaani
    Dedicated May 2021
    Biaani ·
    • Flag

    Thankfully FH is super involved in our planning. I saw his interest begin when we saw venues in person. Before that I would show him pics and he'd just see them and not say much. I told him to not make plans on a certain day because I was gonna schedule tours and he seemed kinda bored with the idea. But once he saw the venues and was able to actually envision the day he got excited as well.

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  • J
    Savvy April 2021
    Jasmine ·
    • Flag
    Trust me you’re not alone, my fiancé is pretty similar. He liked going on venue tours with me, but I wouldn’t call him excited. I did ask his opinion about which venue he liked, but I made the ultimate decision for the venue and the date.
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  • J
    Savvy April 2021
    Jasmine ·
    • Flag
    I pressed reply too soon, lol! I’m sure your fiancé is excited to get married but doesn’t understand the whole planning process that goes into it. Since my fiancé is a big foodie I am going to let him pick our menu, and he is really excited about that. Maybe try giving your fiancé a task that you know he will take an interest in, like the menu or picking songs, or planning the honeymoon. As far as the venue you may just have to say, “hey this is the venue it fits in the budget and we can choose from these dates that they have available”. Then you can start planning!
    • Reply
  • L
    Rockstar July 2022
    Lisa ·
    • Flag
    My fiance was super busy with work and grad school when we first started planning our wedding, and he often didn't have the time or energy to help me research ideas or figure out specifics. So I ended up doing a lot of the research, and would show him options that I found so we could discuss together and decide as a team. I sent him multiple options for Save The Dates, invitations, venues we could visit, photographer portfolios, etc. He was still able to be a big part of every wedding decision, and he didn't have to stress himself out with finding time for research. This worked well for us. Would this be something that you think would work for you and your fiance? Otherwise, is it possible your fiance is feeling overwhelmed with wedding details? I know there's a LOT to consider when planning a wedding. Maybe ask him about what he envisions for budget and guest count (is he thinking elopement? Or big wedding?), and then take it one step at a time from there.
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  • R
    Savvy October 2021
    Ruby ·
    • Flag
    Budget is a big deal before planning and my FH was not interested in planning and also felt it was a waste of money to spend a lot. Every time I made suggestions or gave home quotes he seemed annoyed as well. I sat him down one day and had a serious conversation and pointed out his annoyance. I found out he was more anxious about the wedding itself and would prefer to just elope. However, I wanted a wedding so we compromised on a small wedding. When it came to the budget, I was grateful family was willing to help pay so we wouldn’t spend so much. I also let him know that events like this Will cost money and we can put $$ aside Each month for it. After getting lots of quotes from many places, I presented the venues to him with the highest prices first and had him come with me to the pricey venues. Then we went to an affordable venue and he was like, let’s go with this one. I knew he was worried about the cost but saw the overall cost for many venues which helped him be part of the planning. Since then he’s not interested in picking out the other vendors so I pick them out and we decide how to cover the cost.
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  • T
    Beginner July 2021
    Taylor ·
    • Flag

    Is this just a groom thing? My fiancé hasn't really showed interest either. Honestly his sister is way more excited about the wedding than he is. The only time he's ever really that involved is if we're talking finances, and if we're talking about the food and booze. I've given him full reign over food and booze. I'm probably not going to eat much at the wedding anyway, and it makes him feel more involved. He pretty much told to do whatever I want with regards to the venue, the decor, the themes and the colors. Part of me is glad that I have more freedom to plan, but a part of me is sad that he isn't that as excited and involved. It is his special day too.


    Could you find something about the wedding that will pique his interest a bit. You said he wanted to be involved at first, maybe he didn't realize that you don't make this decisions straightaway and a lot more thought goes into planning, and is phased by it?

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  • Natalie
    Dedicated January 2022
    Natalie ·
    • Flag

    Thankfully FH is excited about the wedding....although I do most of the planning all decisions are made jointly, and he does sit with me and go over everything together.

    Since money is his main hang-up, find out exactly what HIS budget would be....either it's entirely unrealistic and he needs to realize that, or maybe you can compromise and come down on certain things.

    Maybe discuss some of the common ways to save money with him, and see if you can both agree to some of them? Things like:

    - Invite less people...if you have 150 on your list, how would you reduce it to 100? If you have 100, could you reduce to 75? Etc

    - Off season. If you're looking late spring to early fall rates, would either of you be up for an early spring, winter, or late fall wedding? Some vendors offer a discount for those off season months. Personally this is how we saved almost 6000.

    - How would he or you feel about a brunch wedding? Or a Sunday wedding? Or a cocktail reception in the later evening?

    He basically needs to realize the numbers you've given him are the budget for that type of wedding. If he wants to go lower, SOMETHING has to give, so what does he want to give?

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  • Sexypoodle
    Master October 2021
    Sexypoodle ·
    • Flag
    Is he not into the planning process? Or is he not comfortable with the cost of a wedding? Those are two different things.


    My FH is excited for the wedding day. But, personally, I love that my FH is not into the planning process and all the tiny details. Girly stuff like weddings and flowers and napkin colors and place cards are not his area of interest. So I don’t expect that out of him, whereas it’s a joy for me! FH enjoyed touring venues, he got his wedding attire on his own and I’m sure he’ll enjoy the food tasting. But for other ideas, I just present it to him, he almost always agrees/likes what I selected... and that’s that 🤷🏽‍♀️. It’s WONDERFUL!!!! (and that allows my FH to still be involved).


    We’re paying for the wedding ourselves too. So, if the cost of the wedding is your FH’s issue, then ask him what amount he does not want to exceed spending. Once you have that budget, you can have better conversations with vendors and you can create a realistic wedding around your budget.

    • Reply
  • H
    Dedicated August 2023
    Heather ·
    • Flag
    I'm sorry you're feeling this way. It's really frustrating and you're not alone. I've had that same thought of "is he just doing this so I'll give up on a wedding altogether?" Make sure you both have a clear understanding of what your budget is and how much things generally cost - he needs to do some research too. If you want your dream wedding and he would be fine just going to the courthouse, you're both going to have to make some compromises and meet each other halfway.
    • Reply
  • MOB So Cal
    January 2019
    MOB So Cal ·
    • Flag

    PP makes an excellent point: is he not into planning or is he not agreeable to spending money on a wedding? If you have not yet mutually agreed on a total budget, then I think that has to be your first priority. Exactly how much are each of you (or the two of you combined, if your finances are already joined) willing to spend on your wedding? Once that is clear, it will be a lot easier to determine how large of a guest list you can accommodate and how you are going to divide the total budget among the various wedding-related expenses. Also, once he's committed to the budget, does he even care about the planning or only that you stay within the agreed upon budget? (Neither my H nor daughter's H cared at all about the planning/details as long as everything worked within the budget.)

    There are a lot of good wedding budget calculators (some specific to different geographic locations) that will give you some pretty solid guidelines regarding what percentage of the total budget will likely go to a specific expense and what the average costs are in your area. As a rule of thumb, typically 50-60% of the total budget goes to the main elements of the reception (e.g., venue, food, beverage, furnishings, etc.). So if you've agreed on a total budget of $10000, that means you need to focus on vendors that can fulfill all your reception needs for an estimated max of $5-6000 (and then that's going impact your guest count -- catering for 100 guests at $25 pp vs. 25 guests at $100 pp equal the same dollar amount, but result in two very different experiences). You're right, you won't know the exact cost of some things until you've nailed down your date & venue, but you should be able to make some educated guesses -- and know what the absolute maximum is you can afford to spend on something. If your total budget is $10000, it is highly unlikely you can spend $4000 on photography or $2500 on a dress. Early on, using online resources, daughter was able to create an initial budget -- the total dollar amount was fixed, so if she wanted something more expensive in one category than she originally budgeted she had to find a place to save elsewhere. According to the online calculators, the average cost of a wedding in our area was ~ $30,000 and between the contributions of her parents, his parents, and the B&G, she had that amount to work with. They had the wedding they wanted and when everything was done only exceeded the budget by about $250. Good luck!

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  • Brittany
    Just Said Yes May 2021
    Brittany ·
    • Flag

    I HAD THE SAME PROBLEM! It is especially difficult because my fiance and i are also splitting the cost (like you two are). I did all of the researching, presenting of ideas, planning, etc., and all I asked was that he give me helpful answers or opinions! Two things I have found:

    1. He will be willing to participate more as time goes on. The first bookings are scary and really are a lot of money to conceptualize spending. Once you get the venue/date, things will begin to move more easily.

    2. My fiance worked best with timelines. I would mention that "next week I will be looking at photographers". And then I would do my research and gather my estimates. When I was done, I presented the information to him and said "within 2 weeks I would like to start booking a photographer, so can you please browse this information by then?". If you give him a deadline, he will either meet the deadline or understand the urgency when you tell him he hasn't met the deadline (lol).

    By using that method, I have gotten enough answers to plan about half of my wedding so far. Hopefully it works for you, too!!

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  • Julie
    Dedicated October 2022
    Julie ·
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    Definitley agree! i dont think he understands how much time, planning, and $$$ goes into planning things we want that will make our wedding special and unique!

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  • Julie
    Dedicated October 2022
    Julie ·
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    The thing is We know how many people will be invited, and his family is a bit larger than mine, and I keep letting him know, the more people, the more $$$! we both know invited will be just over 100 and were guessing a 75-100 show up. (were probably holding off at least til late 2022 so hopefully covid wont be in issue! (with our budget, and our number, its actually not too crazy! and trust me ive done researching based off of his food and bev taste, and my style taste, ive found a ton of amazing places, all in the same price range! any cheaper and were losing out on "us" )

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  • Julie
    Dedicated October 2022
    Julie ·
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    Brittany, this is GENIUS! im more of a thinker and planner, and hes more numbers/logical. i keep telling him I at least want a venue. And explain that payments can be made so its not overwhelming! I KNOW that once the venue is booked, we can take it easy and plan other things one by one! especially since were looking now to do later in 2022, we have PLENTY of time but I understand the urgency of the ideal date for us, 10/22/22 will book up fast for venues! im going to try the deadline methods! When are you planning yours?

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