Future Mrs C
Beginner October 2018

Any friendships changed after engagement? VERY Wordy... TIA!

Future Mrs C, on December 10, 2017 at 12:02 AM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 57
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Hi! Long time lurker here, I have never had to post before as almost any WR question I have had has been previously answered on the forum, which I love. However, I have a more personal question and would love some unbiased opinions. My fiance and I had a discussion in June of this year and decided we were ready to get engaged. We had been talking about it for awhile but at this point, we were officially ready. We began looking at rings and I texted my best friend of 10 years and told her we were looking. To my surprise, she was less than excited and told me we needed to talk. I called her within the week to see what was up and she essentially said she didn't think I was ready to get married. I kept asking why she felt that way, but never got a straight answer. She proceeded to corner me and ask me things like, "Why are you doing this?" When I would answer "To get married" she would say “AHA so you just want to have a nice fancy wedding”... Cont in comments..

57 Comments

Latest activity by happeningmom, on December 10, 2017 at 7:14 PM
  • Future Mrs C
    Beginner October 2018
    Future Mrs C ·
    • Flag

    I was unhappy when we hung up but thought maybe she was having a bad day, brushed it off. I had been out of the country for almost 2 months and hadn’t seen her, so next time we talked we were trying to plan a get together. While talking, I threw in something along the lines of “Who knows, I may be an engaged lady by then!”. Her mood changed and she basically said “oh youre still on that kick??”. At this point, I was pissed and spoke a little too rash.. I told her if she felt that way about me getting married, it was fine, but that she would be separating herself from me. She got even more mad and told me I was being ridiculous. Fast forward a few weeks, we try and talk again. I tell her sorry I was harsh but she hurt my feelings by saying I shouldn’t get married and I did not want to ruin our friendship, but this changes things & it was probably best we just didn’t discuss wedding things. She told me that wasn’t going to happen bc if she wasn’t my MOH, we would have major problems. I am trying to wrap this up, but essentially I feel she never gave me a legit reason why she feels I shouldn’t get married. And any time she starts to, it seems made up & rude. For ex, at one point she said “Your FH makes less $ than you, I know you said this didn’t bother you, but I might eventually”. She has also said things like “My opinion isnt based on something that has happened, its based on something I think might happen”…. Okay? WTF. I kind of feel like shes attacking FH now which is NOT okay. Basically my struggle is that everytime I feel confident to only include her as a guest at the wedding, I start to feel sad and realize I would hate to lose the friendship. She has now said MANY times if she is not part of the BP, we will have issues. When we talk about things NWR, she is fine and things feel normal. How would you respond to this situation? Mostly, I just get so stressed thinking about it it brings me to tears. This has been going on 6 months and is literally the ONLY part of wedding planning that I am hating. Any advice? Would love to hear how some unbiased people that don’t know us would respond to her/my actions?? There are more details but this is already wayyyy too long. Willing to answer anything that would clear this up, I just really need some advice.

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  • Bride2Be2018
    VIP January 2018
    Bride2Be2018 ·
    • Flag

    If every time you bring up wedding stuff she is salty about something, then don't talk about wedding stuff with her. I realize this is awkward because she is adamant about being in the wedding party and is then making statements about you having problems if she isn't...sounds like she is going through some feelings about this for whatever reason. Definitely not your shit to take on. She needs to acknowledge that she needs to step away from wedding talk between you two or she needs to suck it up and be supportive if she wants to be in the wedding. She can't have it both ways. You deserve to be happy. I would just avoid all wedding talk with her right now, period.

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  • BlushWedding
    Devoted August 2018
    BlushWedding ·
    • Flag

    I would absolutely call her out and address this. If she is demanding to be a part of your wedding party, she should be 100% supportive of you and FH.

    Maybe try telling her that you're willing to whole heartedly hear her opinion on why you aren't "ready" to get married and will take her thoughts into consideration (although YOU are the only one who gets to decided if you're ready, maybe just open the floor to try and see if she will spill the beans).

    Sorry you're going through this. Keep those bridal balls ready - if she doesn't have a good reason as to why you shouldn't marry (which I'm sure she doesn't), and isn't supportive of your relationship, as sad as it is she does not belong up there by your side on your special day.

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  • Future Mrs C
    Beginner October 2018
    Future Mrs C ·
    • Flag

    Thanks @Bride2Be. I have been avoiding the talk for the last two months now, and agree that maybe some more time avoiding it could help!

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  • Missy
    Dedicated July 2018
    Missy ·
    • Flag

    Would you want her in your BP if she wasn't acting like that?

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  • Future Mrs C
    Beginner October 2018
    Future Mrs C ·
    • Flag

    @BlushWedding lol I def need to grow my Bridal Balls ASAP. I wish I had been a little more firm from the start so this didn't go on so long, but I was just so shocked by her reaction. Thank you!!!

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  • Future Mrs C
    Beginner October 2018
    Future Mrs C ·
    • Flag

    @Missy yes, but not MOH. I have two sisters that I am super close to. I would have liked her to be a BM.

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  • Amandaw
    VIP April 2018
    Amandaw ·
    • Flag

    You need to sit down and talk to her face to face and ask her what is up. And you need to make it clear if she is in the bp she has to be 100% supportive of this marriage and if she can't do that she can be a guest. But to me it sounds like she has been hurt by a guy and is putting that fear into your relationship. Bit you need to do this soon so you don't keep dragging this out.

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  • Mrsbdg
    Champion August 2017
    Mrsbdg ·
    • Flag

    Has she alluded to disapproval during your dating? Has she mentioned she thinks he's mean, abusive, too pushy, etc? Has she had conflicts with him? It's time to dive into what her precise reasons are: too quick, he's mean/abusive, you are 'too young', etc. she obviously has zero say in demanding you remain "single" but making her feel heard may help with your relationship moving forward.

    ETA: I see the comment where she says she thinks you "just want a wedding." Ask her to elaborate on those feelings. Does she think you are too immature? Does she think you have you have mixed priorities? Does she think you don't see a future with your husband and are 'using' him? By helping her articulate these feelings hopefully she'll see how hurtful she is being and she may be projecting her own thoughts and feelings about marriage on to you and your FS.

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  • C
    Just Said Yes December 2017
    Cheykhun ·
    • Flag

    I dont think that anyone who isnt supportive of your marriage should be in your wedding. Marriage is serious and the goal is to be married for a lifetime. People who are in your wedding party should be supportive of that from the very beginning. If she doesnt have a serious, legitimate concern about your safety or wellbeing, I dont feel you should include her. This is definitely something that has to directly discussed. I feel you should do it sooner rather than later because wedding planning gets stressful. (But that's my opinion).

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  • Future Mrs C
    Beginner October 2018
    Future Mrs C ·
    • Flag

    @MrsBdeG No, thats the strangest part to me. I have been with FH for 5 1/2 years and through this time, we have all hung out many times. They are not "best friends" by any means, but she has stayed at our home many times and FH has even met her family multiple times. I have been trying to get more straightforward answers from her, but she says she has said enough and already hurt my feelings... Most of what she alludes to is financials. My FH and I are very financially stable though.. I agree with some PPs that she has never had a really good relationship so that may make her weary for me. However, I feel like she should have voiced these concerns long ago... I agree about sitting down and having a one on one with her. I just get super emotional about it and end up being too much of a pushover since I dont want to lose the friendship and she can come off strong (thats obviously on me).

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  • BlueHenBride
    Master March 2017
    BlueHenBride ·
    • Flag

    If everyone based their decisions on fears of something that could maybe, possibly happen later on, no one would do anything. That's not a way to live.

    She says you two will have problems if she's not in your BP, but it sounds like you'll also have problems if she is in your BP and she continues to be unsupportive. I would tell her this. I would tell her that she is important to you and you'd love to have her standing by your side on such an important day, but that it's not fair to you or your FH if standing by your side doesn't mean that she's on your side. It is one thing for you to hear out her concerns (and it sounds like you've given her multiple opportunities to tell you what her objections are), but it's another thing for her to continue to disapprove after you've heard her out and determined they are non-issues. Your FH is an important part of your life. You need her to make peace with that. Committing yourselves to each other means he will always be a part of you. Being friends with you means accepting that he's a part of the picture. Maintaining a friendship with someone who can't accept your commitment to each other before, during, and after the wedding would be extremely difficult; it would be hard on your friendship and on your marriage.

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  • Melaina
    Super November 2017
    Melaina ·
    • Flag

    I lost a best friend, we've been best friends since high school and we just got to different stages of life at different times and she didn't understand that I had other priorities and couldn't just do the things she wanted all the time. She never answered her wedding invitation and when I text her to see what was wrong she never answered. When I first got engaged her and my other two friends had been talking behind my back about how they didn't think I was ready to be married but both of those other friends came to the wedding and admitted that they were wrong and regret saying anything. I think friendships just change when you enter a different stage of your life. I think that I would stop talking about wedding stuff with her and if she's still salty with your relationship there might be something else bothering her that may be the root of the problem. Definitely address it now though so hopefully you can save the friendship.

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  • Margarita
    Dedicated December 2017
    Margarita ·
    • Flag

    Just curious, but how old is this friend? She sounds extremely immature. She can't threaten you into making her MOH. WTH...

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  • OGJessieJV
    Master July 1867
    OGJessieJV ·
    • Flag

    I’m going to play devil’s advocate here because I’ve been your friend. I’ve had two friends who have gotten married that I didn’t think they were ready for marriage. I never said it out loud but I distanced myself from them during their weddings. They both had major issues within their marriages and were divorced after five years or so of marriage. The point is, maybe you should step back and take a minute and gut check to see if any of her points are actually valid.

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  • Elite
    Devoted March 2018
    Elite ·
    • Flag

    I can understand if she was giving you a legitimate reason/concerned about your livelihood/concerned about your safety, etc. However, her not giving you a legitimate reason and knowingly hurting your feelings without valid reason is not what being a friend is all about. Furthermore, who the fuck does she think she is trying to force you to include her in something that she does not approve? I think you value your friendship with her more than she does. She is not the boss of you. It's either she shows you support or not be part of the wedding. It's just that simple.

    • Reply
  • Kristin
    Dedicated July 2018
    Kristin ·
    • Flag

    Just curious, how old are you and how long have you and FH been together? Maybe she thinks it is too rushed?

    • Reply
  • Dij
    VIP May 2018
    Dij ·
    • Flag

    Similar thing happened to me and not to make this about me just saying I can relate. My best friend since 8th grade was supper salty and acting funny when she found out about the engagement. Long story short we are not friends anymore.

    • Reply
  • Amanda
    Master January 2017
    Amanda ·
    • Flag

    The people in your bridal party are supposed to be the supportive witnesses to your marriage. They are supposed to be you AND YOUR FH's number one supporters. That's WHY they stand up next to you at the wedding! That's literally the only reason! You shouldn't be involved in someone's wedding and fundamentally disagree with the pairing or the wedding. It doesn't work that way. You need to tell her that if she wants to be in the wedding, she has to be on board with your engagement, your future marriage, and any wedding related talk that may come up from now until next October. That's the deal that comes with being in the BP. Otherwise she can be a guest. Let her know you'd love for her to be in the BP if she can get past her personal issues and that her friendship is important to you but her support is the deciding factor in how involved in the wedding she will be. Tell her it's her decision to make--if she can put on her grown up panties and support her friend she can be in the wedding but if not, you can't have her stand next to you, and leave it at that. Then it's up to her to decide if she can put aside her petty protests against your engagement or if she can act like an adult and support your decision.

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  • OGJessieJV
    Master July 1867
    OGJessieJV ·
    • Flag

    @Amanda-you can be friends with people and not agree or like their SO. You can support their wedding even if you disagree. I really don’t understand, do you always agree with everything your friends do and say? I certainly don’t and as I get older we call each other out when we disagree. It’s not a big deal. And no, you don’t need to talk about your wedding every time you talk to your friends, otherwise they will roll their eyes and resent your wedding.

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