announcing my engagement/planning a wedding with a terminally ill parent

(part 2)

So now that I have recovered from the shock somewhat, and the date we planned to announce our engagement is here, my dilemma is this: should I rapidly plan a wedding in the hopes that my dad will be there? Should I take the time I want to plan a wedding, knowing he may be gone? How do I announce an engagement at a time like this? My cousin's wedding is next summer, and I want to space it appropriately.

If anyone has been in a similar situation, I would love to hear from you. Thanks for listening to my story everyone!

I'm sorry to hear about your dad. In your situation, I would plan the wedding for this year or very early 2017 because I would want to include my dad.

I'm really sorry you're going through this; I don't have any advice except to say that I don't think you should plan your wedding around your cousin's. Obviously don't have it the same day, but with your situation I don't think you need the burden of that factor added in.

You're right, it does seem a bit silly to be worrying about everyone else's thing. There's always something else going on! I feel we may have been using it as an excuse to put off the massive feels this will entail.

I'm sorry to hear about the situation you're in and for the health of your dad. It's a tough one. This is a very personal decision for you. Have you asked your dad what he thinks? As for announcing your engagement, I think your dad, family, and friends will be happy for you no matter what the timing is. It might even be some welcome, happy news.

If I were in that situation, I'd probably plan a small, quick, intimate ceremony and reception to include him, but the decision is completely yours to make. There are also plenty of special options for remembering him and honoring him if you choose to plan the wedding for later. Talk it over with your dad and FH and see what they think.

I would try to plan the wedding for this fall. Yes it's fast but it can be done.

Sorry to hear about your dad.

Wow, I'm so sorry! I would plan a wedding now. Probably this summer or fall to be honest.. even if it was a small, intimate wedding.. If he was given a year to live this past Christmas (if I'm reading right) then you don't have that much time. Well you never know but still.

Yes it does feel like the clock is ticking. He *seems* in good health still but I don't want to get lulled in to a false sense of security. I'm terrified I will plan a day and he will be in the hospital or something.

Congratulations and welcome to WW, happy planning. I hope you have fun and receive good advice on planning your wedding I know I have just by reading the threads. Im sorry about your dad. I would suggest planing a date closer towards this year or 2017 so your dad can be there with you.

Congrats on your engagement! I'm so sorry you're going through this. I lost two grandparents that I was very close to within 4 months of the wedding. My grandma lost her battle with cancer just 3 weeks prior. Had I known how sick she was when we set our date, I would have done everything I could to make sure she was there. That's just my opinion, but family is everything.

It stinks that your dad is sick! Have you considered doing a small, intimate ceremony with just close family? It seems like this might be a good option for you: you can plan it quickly, it takes away the worry of conflict with the cousins wedding, it won't be as tiring for you father, and if, but hopefully not, your dad is in the hospital, it can be easily changed. A ceremony with a beautiful backdrop and then dinner at a delicious restaurant, think back room/banquet room hot necessarily just showing up in your dress. It'll allow you to really focus on your family and your father during such a special event.

Are you wanting a big wedding? If so maybe have a wedding, small possibly at the courthouse or a small park or something here in the next month or 2. Then plan a big reception later on? I don't know, it's a tough situation. I know I would want my dad there if I could find a way.

My dad was in the hospital until the literal day before my wedding. He has been in treatment for non Hodgkin's lymphoma since October. I planned my wedding but had a backup in the works - my officiant would have done the ceremony at the hospital, my photographer would have adjusted her timeline. Don't get hung up on other things. If he hadn't made our wedding, we would have still gotten married with him and our other parents and then had a bigger ceremony later in the day that included everyone as planned - and he would have Face timed in. The moments I had with my dad were so special but they would have been just as special at the hospital or at our venue. He actually went back to the hospital again the day after with a fever but is now released again and on home care.

Lots of sense being made by everyone - thank you all. Kristen, you couldn't be more right. Family is everything. Probably this summer/fall, not next year, is the right time to plan a small ceremony.

Wow, @WolfWedding2016, you guys look great . Not sure how to word this, but, how did you find a space for happiness in the sad stuff?

I am in a similar situation with my mom. She is terminally ill and can go at any time from complications from her illness. My FI and I decided that even though she may not be with ys when we say I do.. we wanted to take our time. So I am involving my mom in all the planning that she can handle. .. dress shopping... looking at shoes online.. various venues online... she can't always go with me places but she can see pictures and give me her opinion. She also works on a few special diy projects when she is up for it... which isn't much lately. .. especially now that my brother is planning a wedding very quickly to try and see if she makes it. I want my mom there, but I have accepted that our choice of pushing out out our wedding to plan slowly since we are both went back to school... him for his teaching credentials and me for my master's. .. everything would have been too stressful.. means she may not make it.. so I am including her as much as she wants to and can be. My mom has told both my brother and I.. that even if she is here the days of our weddings she still may not be able to make it to the ceremonies and celebrations because every day is different.. some days she can get out of bed and others she sleeps 22 out of 24 because of the pain.

So you have to ask yourself... what is more important to you... to have your dad possibly make it... cuz I know everyone is different on how fast they go.. which hopefully your dad.. the disease doesn't take him too quickly from you... or plan slowly and have a better grasp of your vision...

Only you can answer that question. It will not be an easy one. So talk to you FI and really weigh what is most important to you. Also talk to your dad and see how he feels. Hope this helps and I am sorry that you have to have this kind of news with what is suppose to be a happy time.

And who knows.. your dad may be around for awhile.. drs don't know everything.. my mom's drs told her she had a year to live and that was 3 years ago.

My father was fighting cancer when I got engaged, DH and I had always talked about the "what if" plan if he got much worse. We planned our wedding for March but ended up getting married in the hospital room,January 3rd just days before he passed. I planned that in about 2 weeks, and getting my dress fitted between Christmas and New years was a pain, but I made it happen. It was the peace he needed and the last item on his bucket list. I would plan for a wedding sooner than later, but if needed, do it sooner. When our big day rolled around, everyone knew we were married, nobody cared.

I would definitely try to plan it sooner rather than later, as I would want my father to be there. You can still have your vision come true on a time crunch. I wish your father all the best, and hope that he is able to attend your big day.

I am sorry to hear about your dad! FH proposed one Christmas 2015. We had set our date for April 1, 2017 in February. The beginning of this year was horrible for FFIL, he was in the hospital/rehab all of February. So while we signed our contract for the venue he was in rehab. He came home for less than a week and was back in the hospital on March 5th. During that stay we learned that even though 2 biopsies were done and came back undiagnosed the doctors were 99% sure that he had liver cancer and it rapidly spread and the Drs didn't think he'd make it long. Sadly FH and I had to have a talk, knowing how close he was to his father I felt guilty that he wasn't going to be able to be at the wedding but at the same time I know we both wanted a wedding with all of our family and friends. My FSIL has suggested that we have a little ceremony in the hospice room so that his dad could be there but FH said no. One he didn't want to do that to me(makes me feel even more guilty) but he also said that he didn't think his dad would know and he was already on a morphine drip and was not awake. Sadly on March 16th he passed away. Knowing how hurt FH is, I feel guilty every time I bring up something with the wedding because I know how much he wants him there. I know that is going to be a very hard day for him. I would suggest that you talk with your fiancé about it, set a date but know that there is always that chance that he won't be there.

I'm really sorry about your dad, praying for him and your family. I can't imagine how hard this must be for all of you.

I'm glad Susan saw this and was able to share. There's also someone else that got married in her parents' back yard so that her father could be there, and they had the reception on their original date (her dad had already passed away by the time they had the reception).