Anna
Devoted April 2020

Am i the only one who feels this way about changing their last name??

Anna, on November 8, 2019 at 3:14 AM Posted in Community Conversations 2 32
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Before i start just know i have no real attachment to my last name. I never wanted to get married until I meet my fh. I always said if i went crazy and got married, I would take his last name. Well my fh brought it up that when i tell people about changing my last name, i say it like if i hate the idea. In a way i feel like i do. Maybe its my stubbornness. I tell him i've had this last name for 37 years and now i'm going to change it. Like I understanding I wanted to change it, but just thinking of the process is making me not want to do it. I have to renew my driver license in a few weeks and will have to get a new one next year with my new last name. I also work at a school. All the kids will call me by new last name when the school year starts. The good thing is he is being understanding about it. But man, I don't know why i have to act like im donating a kidney or something lol.

I do blame him in a way. Actually our first arguments was on a woman keeping her last name (we were only dating 2 weeks at the time). He believes a woman has to change her last name. I told him today that if he would've gave me and option, I would've been glad to take his last name. But that argument 2 years ago, is making me feel forced which i don't like to do. He has always apologized and said if i don't change it, he will respect my decision. But i do tell him why did he have to say that lol.

Just wanted to know i wasn't the only one going crazy over this lol.

32 Comments

  • Amber
    Devoted May 2020
    Amber ·
    • Flag
    Honestly, I feel the same way! I think it’s a giant pain in the ass to change my name as I’m in my 30s and have assets, need a new passport, etc. And while I love my FH, I don’t love his last name...so I’m not sure what I’m going to do either :/ Wish I had some helpful advice but at least you know you’re not alone!
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  • Megan
    Devoted May 2021
    Megan ·
    • Flag
    I agree it's a pain in the butt ( or sounds like a pain in the butt from what I have heard). I am also a newer teacher (I have to renew my license in July 2021) so I'm trying to time everything up so I can change everything at once. I am definitely changing my name it will be so much easier to say than my current last name.
    • Reply
  • V
    VIP July 2019
    Veronica ·
    • Flag
    If you don't want to change it then don't, but don't hold an argument against him from two years ago. That is unhealthy not only for you, but also for your relationship. Some women choose to keep their last name others would rather take their husband's. I choose to take my husband's last name because I'm proud to be married to him and wanted to honor our marriage by taking his last name. We also want to have children and I don't want my children to have a different last name than me or a hyphenated name. I am currently in the process of changing my last. I need to get a new drivers license. I got a new one right before we got engaged so I've only had this current license for a little over a year, but oh well.
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  • April
    Dedicated January 2020
    April ·
    • Flag
    I know a few married ladies who have not officially/ legally changed their name but in certain areas of their life that don't require the paperwork they go by the new last name. Some have all intentions on changing it one day like when it's time to update their passport or after tax season (which is what I'll wait for). But some others intend to keep it the way it is which is fine.
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  • Hannah
    VIP July 2019
    Hannah ·
    • Flag
    The choice to change your last name is entirely yours. Yeah, it is a bit of a pain. I'm currently going through the process, but you don't have to do everything all at once. Most places, I just had to email an image of my marriage certificate and new driver's license. That being said, you should change your last name only if you absolutely want to. I struggled with this for a bit. Even my mom never changed her last name when she got married 35 years ago. Ultimately, I decided I wanted the same last name as my children. Not going to lie, but there was a tinge of sadness when I got my new social security card in the mail. I am happy with my decision, but it's tough to change such a big part of your identity. I agree with Veronica. I would suggest directly talking about this with your fiance, whether it's just the two of you or with a therapist.
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  • Sarah
    Devoted June 2020
    Sarah ·
    • Flag
    I understand the teacher aspect of it as your last name is such a huge part of your identify at school. I teach all 600 kids in our school...it’s going to be an adjustment!
    • Reply
  • Brianna
    Dedicated December 2019
    Brianna ·
    • Flag
    I am not that excited to change my last name. I totally can see where you are coming from! Honestly I don’t think men always think about everything a name change entails.
    I’m getting married in 51 days and I still don’t know what I’m doing. I’m almost out of business cards and I haven’t ordered any more because I have no idea what name to put on them!
    • Reply
  • Alisha
    Expert August 2020
    Alisha ·
    • Flag
    I understand that it t is a process to change your last name. I am going to hyphenate my last name because I wanted to keep my last name. I work in a school district and I would mind if my kids still call me by my maiden name. They will have an option with my old or new name.
    • Reply
  • Alyssa
    Dedicated January 2020
    Alyssa ·
    • Flag

    Same same same same. Maybe you could keep your name as is professionally? I have seen teachers, journalists and others who are in big positions keep their maiden name just professionally. I love my last name, and I'm very attached to my family. My cousin got our last name tattoed on her foot before her wedding. I'm considering something like that as well. I know my FH will respect my decision, but I know how honored he will be if I change it. I really want him to still call me "Bloechl" like Pam and Jim on the office, because he does that now. I just love my last name and I like being at the front of the alphabet! (mostly not serious about that argument... but his is Scriven and I don't like being in the back or in longer lines, which the S's are!) I hope you can find peace with this! You're not alone, it is sooooo hard to decide this!


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  • Sabrina
    Devoted April 2020
    Sabrina ·
    • Flag

    I understand where you are coming. I disagree with a previous poster about changing the name to honor the husband....honor has to do with treatment and not a name. You can always hyphenate which allows you to use either name in certain settings.

    • Reply
  • Alyssa
    Expert June 2020
    Alyssa ·
    • Flag

    It is a giant pain in the ass. Think about how many things you write your name on. EVERYTHING. I won't be changing mine, but for the people who do, I feel like you always forget at least one thing/place.

    • Reply
  • A
    Devoted February 2020
    Andrea Online ·
    • Flag
    I’m not changing my name and it irritates my FH, but he’s understanding enough that he knows that my name is my brand for work. My mom never legally changed her last name, but somehow ended up with her maiden and married last name years later.

    Your last name is completely your choice!
    • Reply
  • Katelyn
    Devoted October 2020
    Katelyn ·
    • Flag

    I really struggled with this too! I LOVE my maiden last name. FH's is fine...but I don't love it like I do my own lol. I decided to take it because hyphenating would be a huge pain and I want the same last name as my future kids. One thing I've heard about is making your maiden name your middle name. I am going to try to make it my second middle name, but not sure how that will work out. Smiley ups

    • Reply
  • D
    Dedicated December 2019
    DIY Bride ·
    • Flag

    I'm going to hyphenate my last name. I'm attached to my last name with a bunch of degrees as well as some publications and presentations. I also have a very uncommon last name and its also very short (4 letters). My FH has a common last name, but I want to be able to share a last name with my future children.

    • Reply
  • Savvy March 2020
    ·
    • Flag
    I kind of feel the same way. I’m very attached to my last name and his name isn’t as fun or interesting. We’ve joked about combining but I know he wants me to change to his.
    • Reply
  • Cher Horowitz
    Rockstar December 2019
    Cher Horowitz ·
    • Flag

    I'm glad your FH has apologized and is ready to respect any decision you make. If you love your last name, I'd just keep it! Like you said, its been part of your identity for so long. Do what feels best to you Smiley smile

    • Reply
  • Katherine
    Dedicated July 2020
    Katherine ·
    • Flag

    My FH has been completely hands off about this--he wanted it to be my decision. I think that's the way to go--men aren't changing their names, so it should be our choice (I know there are a few men who do change their names, but still...) After a lot of reflection, I've decided to have two last names. My last name is especially important to me because it's one of the last connections I have to my father who passed away 20 years ago. I'm still trying to figure out how I'd introduce myself. It feels awkward to say 6 syllables...


    In terms of paperwork, my FH works in government and is all about the bureaucracy and paperwork lol. So, I asked him to just take charge of changing everything and I'll sign where I need to. The one thing that annoys me is I need a new passport before our wedding because we're honeymooning abroad. But then I'll need a new passport shortly after that for the name change...at least you don't have to pay twice.

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  • W
    Devoted September 2020
    Willow ·
    • Flag
    In many cultures, the woman doesn't change her last name. If you have the same last name, people will assume you were already related!

    I agree that honoring your marriage is about how you treat your partner, not a name change. I, personally, find it to be a red flag when a man insists the woman change her name. Your fiance is respectful of your wishes now. You chose to stay in this relationship despite his feelings. Keep your name if that is what you want. Don't hold an old argument against him.
    • Reply
  • L
    Lady ·
    • Flag

    I felt the same as you. My H would have supported whatever I wanted, but he absolutely and not secretively preferred that I change my name. I did, but I still feel a tiny bit of regret. We do want kids though and I do really like that when we do, we will all have the same name. I dont' know that I have any advice for you specifically, but just know that I totally understand what you're going through!

    • Reply
  • Julia
    Savvy October 2020
    Julia Online ·
    • Flag
    It is a pain in the butt. I have assets in my name now and I just got a new license. I have to renew my RN license in January and will be getting a passport in my current name for our honeymoon as we are living the next day. I don’t have preference on names but it’s so time consuming I’m taking an extra week off of work just to get it all done before I return.
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