Alcoholic Fiance

Honestly y’all need to stop any wedding planning and either figure out if you can stay together, or if y’all need to go for counseling. Marriages are a partnership but he has to want what’s best for the two of you.

Counseling is the best thing I can think of. And for FH, if he truly has problems with drinking or substances, he needs some type of rehabilitation help. People that are truly alcoholics can't just stop because someone who loves them asks them to... its much deeper than that.

Honestly you can't make someone change. Are you positive that he quit the other drug since he is leaving foe hours with no idea where he is or what he's doing? Him treating you badly and being verbally abusive is not ok at all, drinking isn't an excuse, even if he say sorry the next day. I would have to agree with the other person and say call the wedding off till you go through counseling and he gets help. Be safe.

You can't fix him, and sadly you can't make him want it either. He has to want it for himself, And even then, it will be difficult. I would postpone the wedding, and stop planning. He needs help, and his health is way more important.

I can't recommend an intervention or completely cutting him off as I'm not an expert, but I know this isn't a healthy relationship. I would also be mindful that addicts will lie. You said he quit the one drug, but that he also dissapears for hours and won't answer his phone, so I'm not sure how you are sure he isn't using still. He needs to be in a program, quit using drugs and quit drinking (he doesn't get to chose what he quits, he needs to quit them all), and then he probably needs to work on himself a while before being ready to commit to marraige or even planning a wedding.

I went through a similar situation in the past, you can’t make someone change, you can however make them realize they will lose you if they don’t stop. Leave for a few days, go stay with family or a friend and make him realize what it’s like to be without you, I went to my boyfriend’s parents in the past about it and let them talk to him about it, lastly he might have to go to rehab. Oh and I would definitely hold off on wedding planning until he gets it together, you don’t want to start off a marriage like this.

Tough love could be the answer? My FH used some pretty harsh language and tone with me for weeks and i barely drink anymore. He called me an alcoholic and told me the only thing i care about is wine and said that i dont love him. I saw him hurt when he would yell at me and i didnt want to be the cause of it. Wine isnt worth his frustrations.

He may ne compensating for the drug he stopped using. You two should try counseling together and him individually. When someone abuses they are usually coping with something serious. Don't give up on him but take care of your own well being too. Good luck bride to be!

As others have said, you can’t make him change. I echo others suggestions for counseling and, for both of you, it could be worth looking into 12 step programs. There are people who swear by AA and they have programs thoughout most of the US. They also have Al-Anon which is for loved ones of alcoholics. Not all meetings are the same and you may need to try a few before finding one that works for you. Getting sober is hard. It’s going to take time, a lot of motivation from him and support from you.

I also recommend postponing your wedding. You need to seriously think about if you’re ready to start a marriage right now with things as they are. As much as we hope for people to see what’s happening and the effects of their behavior, that can be a hard step for people dealing with addiction. And marriage won’t change the effects his behavior is having on your relationship, so it’s worth addressing the issues now before marriage.

I’ve been there. It’s not a healthy relationship. You have to lay it all out simple. He gets his act together right now or he gets out. It’s hard when you love someone but you gotta take charge and not let him keep dragging you along. Tell him he goes to rehab and therapy and quits all substances related drugs or alcohol or he loses you forever. You have to make it clear to him you are a strong independent woman and you will not take it anymore you are done with those ways. The key is you can’t talk to him about it while he’s drunk you’ll have to wait till he’s sober. It’ll be harder because those are the happy moments you fall in love with him over and over but you have to make it clear and firm while he’s clear minded. I hope you the very best and good luck I hope he’s comes through and you have an amazing wedding.

You can’t change him or make him stop. You need to walk away at least for awhile. Even if he goes to rehab it will still take a long time after that of working on himself. You’ll never 100% trust him.

I recommend reading "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. I would also suggest stop wedding planning because of this.

You need to put your self-care and happiness ahead of this problem. I know it's scary to think of not being with the person you love and that when they're sober, they're amazing and they're like a totally different person when they're under the influence. Please recognize that you being unhappy and crying yourself to sleep multiple times a week is your body and mind trying to tell you this isn't a healthy situation for you.

Set strong boundaries. Say what you mean, mean what you say. Leaving for a few days shows mixed signals that you "kinda" don't like what he's doing, but you're trying to teach him a lesson. By forgiving him each time he apologizes he knows he can get away with what ever, no matter how it hurts you because you always say it's OK, there's no "real" consequences for his actions/ decisions.

You can't change him or make the decision for him to stop using substances. The only control you have is to change yourself and your reactions.

I've been in your position. I made the mistake of marrying my ex-husband despite knowing that he comes from a family of alcohol abusers and how argumentative/ beligerant he becomes when he drinks. I also learned he would hide aspects of his drinking and would tell me anything he thought I wanted to hear to keep me from being pi**ed at him. He also got angry when I mentioned that I wanted to attend Al-Anon. He thought I was blowing things out of proportion and insisting that he wasn't an alcoholic.

Be stong. Take care of yourself, gather your strength and courage and make your better life. Show the world what you deserve.

Honestly, I would postpone the wedding, go to individual counseling, and see if he would be willing to attend couples counseling and go to rehab. Threatening to leave isn't going to work - alcoholism is a disease and he needs help. Good luck, and I hope it all works out for you.

You can’t be scared to lose him. Him speaking in that manner is not acceptable. You can’t forgive him every time bc he is going to keep doing it. I would suggest to pause wedding planning and work on your relationship and his problem. Him disappearing is unacceptable behavior. If you continue to allow this, things are only going to get worse not better. You need to tough and if he walks out and doesn’t come back well think do you want to be with some one that finds it so easy to walk out on you for you wanting a better life for him. I really hope he finds the help he needs. And you resolve this before the wedding.

Coming from experience dealing with alcoholics (ex husband and brother) they can't just stop and they can't get help until they want to. You can threaten them until you are blue in the face and I know when you love someone it's hard to watch. I'm sorry this is the situation you are in but postponing or calling off the wedding is what you need to do.

I worked in a Substance Abuse Program and believe me it’s a long struggle for many. First off, he needs help and not from you right now. See if he will be willing to go into a program for support. You can’t tell someone to stop taking a drug. It’s not that simple. I have seen plenty of people stop one substance and start another. It’s an addiction. This will only get worst. He really needs help from professionals. He can even go to AA meetings. He can meet people who are currently sober (sponsor). Is he willing or ready to get better? This should be a happy time right now, but I believe you both will face a lot of problems going into the marriage like this. I wish you both the best.

Hate to be the bearer of bad news but you should postpone your wedding.

Get counseling. This will not get better and is more likely to get worst and escalate to physical harm. This is really hard to deal with but imagine you having kids with him like this.

Been there with my ex (helping DH through it as his brother is an alcoholic). Someone with a substance abuse problem will not stop until they hit bottom. Some never do. I hate to say it (I could be wrong but I don’t think I am) he didn’t stop the drugs. I ended up leaving my ex after the drinking and verbal abuse were intolerable anymore. Hardest thing I ever did was leave someone I still loved. We tried counseling (couples and individual). He wasn’t bought in so it was a waste of time. He still continues to drink to this day and every woman after me thought they could change him but he is still the same. I would recommend putting the wedding on hold and going to individual counseling or Al-non meetings.

I can tell you life after an alcoholic will go on and will be so much better. Alcoholism and addiction is a disease that is never cured. This is a battle he will be fighting for the rest of his life. There is a very good chance of relapses for many alcoholics and addicts where the process starts all over again. Right now you only have yourself to think of. What happens when you have kids? What are they going to see? What are they going to have to live through? Can you deal with the verbal abuse each time he is wasted for the next 50+ years? Are you ok with him disappearing for hours/days? Do you have bail money for if he gets arrested for drunk driving or fighting? Can you live on your income if he loses his job from not showing up or if it interfers with his work? Do you have money in a separate account in case he drains your checking account?

Again only speaking from my experiences.

This would be a breaking point for me. The wedding would be off and so would the relationship.

He needs to get professional help. I would postpone the wedding until he goes to rehab and can maintain sobriety for a certain length of time. I am so sorry you are going through this. Please look into help for yourself as well. Al-anon is a great resource for family members and loved ones of alcoholics/addicts.

At this point I would suggest stepping back and helping him get help for his substance abuse and drinking issues. Most times these things happen to hide from an issue that came long before you. Helping him to get counseling and going to some form of rehabilitation before the wedding can only make you two a stronger couple. The foundation for a marriage needs to be solid. Help strengthen him before marriage. If you two really love one another waiting will not matter.