Alcoholic Fiance

You deserve to be treated better than that. You should try and talk to him, either one or one, or with his family for support. There might be an underlying problem he’s trying to deal with but doesn’t know how to express himself. Until you two figure out what’s going on, you should put a halt to the wedding.

Im sorry your going thru this. I would postpone the wedding and take a look at everything. Your not going to be able to change him he has to want to change . he gave up one drug and picked up another and thats not good. You dont deserve to be put thru that verbal abuse is the same as physical abuse.. If it were me everything would be put on hold untill you really have had the time to think about everything. If hes like this now it could get worse before it gets better if it can.

Counseling for both of you separately. If you can you should look into Al-Anon meetings for support as well. You can't change him, you need to change YOU. I have been where you are. Nothing you do or say can make him change, you are codependent and he is an addict. Addicts say and do awful things to try to deflect the problem back onto everyone else rather than face the addiction. It can make a sane person feel crazy. Until you both seek counseling the best advice I can give you is to stop engaging him when he is drinking. Separate yourself from him, and do not get into arguments or even real conversations while he is drinking, it is a waste of time, energy and will do nothing but make you feel worse. You can love someone and not support their behavior. Show him you want no part of it by being no part of it and in the process save some of your sanity. Even if that means just going into a bedroom and shutting the door for the night, or going to a friends house. Refuse to let him turn this back on you, and get help for yourself. You don't have to make any decisions right now, just get to a meeting (they are free!) and find some support.

You need to postpone the wedding immediately. You don't have to tell anyone why. It is a safe bet to say he is still using drugs and abusing alcohol is no better. He loves you but he loves his addictions more. He needs help. I suggest talking to your family about your problems. Hiding everything from the world isn't a good thing either.

Honey. I feel for you. No judgements at all as everyone has a vice.


BUT this is no way to begin your lives together. He needs to seek help first for himself, and then for your relationship. Without the assistance, his behavior will not change. You have to remember that you’re planning to spend the REST of your LIFE with this man, and you should have a say in that. Seeking treatment will only make him healthier and enhance your relationship. If he chooses not to seek treatment, could you see yourself dealing with this behavior forever? Maybe impacting your future children? You deserve better than to live in fear of hearing bad news about him everyday. Please put your foot down, and ask him to seek help. There will be no possibility of a positive marriage and future without it.

I suggest post-poning the wedding and taking a step away from him. That is not a healthy relationship at all and trust me when I say he is not going to change his ways if he doesn't want to, and by the sound of things he doesn't. Take a break from him and re evaluate if that is what you want your future to be, he needs rehab.

I would postone it, it sounds like you're not the first thing in his life, drugs and alcohol are. You need to be more important than his addictions and if he doesn't want to get help on his own then you can force him to see that he has an issue and get help. I hope things get better, you are a strong woman!

Alcoholics and addicts don't get better just because someone loves them hard enough. You know that this behavior is not going to get better. He's going to get drunk multiple nights a week and make you cry. I know calling off or postponing a wedding is embarrassing and not something that anyone wants to do, but I think deep down, you know you can't marry this man the way he is right now. Postpone the wedding. Get counseling for yourself. If he isn't willing to go, you should not be planning a future with him because he's not making you a priority... and he can't while he's battling addiction. You've got to do what's best for you. I truly wish you the best.

No one can really make someone stop. My finance is an alcoholic as well. It’s exhausting. I know. But you have to decide what’s best for YOU. Mine isn’t abusive or mean when he’s drunk. So I made the choice to stay. I have a very good life with him. Just know that if you decide to stay. This will be your life forever. No one changes until they are ready. I understand your fear about how he will handle if you left. I went through those thoughts hundreds of times. But at the end of the day you have to take care of yourself. There are Alanon meetings for family memebers or loved ones of alcoholics. I haven’t been to one but have been told they are helpful.
I’m really sorry you’re going through this. It’s a very hard life.

I would highly recommend counselling. One of the ways that I look at situations like this is to think about it as if it were happening to someone else:

If you had a daughter (or little sister, niece, or other younger woman you care about) in this situation, what would you tell her to do? You need to follow that advice.

To me, it seems that he didn't give up his addiction, but simply traded it for another. This is dangerous and can cause just as much pain, if not more.

Yanella - please postpone the wedding. I am talking straight as the person who is in recovery, doing great then had a relapse. My fiance wanted to postpone the wedding. We did and I am SO GLAD we are postponing. I want to enter my marriage as my best self, not a stop gap measure because we don't want to lose a deposit.

He has to change for HIMSELF. Not you, not his parents, not anyone but him. YOU CAN'T CHANGE HIM.

If he is currently using right now he is NOT in the proper place to be making a decision. Even between drinking episodes or drug episodes, he is not thinking of you, he thinking how is he gonna get high or drunk. Trust me on this one.

"When he's drunk he is disrespectful and hurtful" - and when he comes home and drinks and smokes rather than be with you he is cheating on you WITH A SUBSTANCE.

Be there for him as a friend but please please please postpone.

I gotta tell you so you can tell him: NOTHING is better than being sober, employed, having the trust of your loved ones and being alert and alive. Nothing tastes that good. Nothing.

You say when he is sober he is amazing - I bet he is. To be blunt most users are very charming and affable when sober as it helps manipulate people when they are hammered or high. Sorry to be blunt but you need to hear it. I used to be that user so I know. It sounds like it will be a short leap until it affects his drivers license or employment - then what? You have a grown man who can't/won't work and you get to cart him all over? And support him and his habits? Sorry to be so blunt - but you need to hear this.

Keep us posted - take care of yourself.

Please please please listen to the substance abuse counselor and myself (plus the others) as we KNOW what the deal is. You can't want it more than him, you can't love him into changing, you are going to be on a lather rinse repeat cycle for YEARS. It won't stop until he has drained you of money support and love. Do I sound harsh? I hope so - remember, I was the one with a rum and Ambien problem and quite frankly I am grateful to be just alive, let alone still have a fiance.

Hello,

I wish I could say stay work on it and try to help him change. Here is the issue you can't help or change him only he can. I once was engaged to my youngest sons father...he too was an addict. My sons father and I finally split because I couldn't change him nor was he willing to change. Sorry doesn't make it better.

The best advice I can give you is love yourself first. He isn't loving himself or you he is abusing the drug as well as you. You deserve the best in life. It is so difficult to love someone with an addiction, but he has to be the willing person to get help. I would definitely not get married until he is clean and sober for a period of time otherwise what you are dealing with now will be your life moving forward. At this moment I don't see that being what you want. Here if you need to chat ever. Hugs

View Quoted Comment

Very well said. I lived with an addict for 10 years and I got away from him and I year later he died by an alcoholic/drug induced suicide. Now my 9 year old son lost his father to the drugs. Sad very sad. I pray for your sobriety.

View Quoted Comment

I pray for your situation as well. I pray that you don't regret staying.

View Quoted Comment Substance abuse counselor here!!! 1st things first: have a support system outside of him, someone who's neutral and won't just side with you or him. Second: set up clear boundaries and consequences (if you show up impaired in any way to this house you cannot come in) . Third: follow through with the consequences, this is called natural consequences such as not covering up his tracks. Fourth: find an alanon meeting in the area, they're for family members of people living with addiction. Fifth: help him with his recovery, not his addiction. Sixth: you set the boundaries and consequences and have a clear picture of when enough is enough. You are not married, you have the opportunity right now to make a change in your own life, even if it's not a fun or comfortable change to make.

This was the same situation from my 1st marriage. We were both young and I thought I could change him. I thought he would change for our kids, for our marriage, for our life together, but he didn't/ He got worse. He drank and got drunk EVERY single night. It started out only 2-3 times a week and it gradually got worse. He was nasty to me and to the kids. He eventually became not only physically, emotionally, and verbally abusive, but it became normal to me. After a 2 years of living a life I didn't want to live anymore I left with my 2 children. Men like that don't "change" or "get better: because someone forced them too. It is because they WANT to change. They have to be the ones who want to put in effort and and change their ways. You can't fix him. I know it is hard when you love someone and you can't imagine life without him, but, you deserve someone who will treasure you and protect you. You deserve someone who chooses you over drinking. Don't sell yourself short! Divorce is hard to go through, and when you have kids together, it is even harder, It is tough but I would truly talk to a trusted friend or counselor before you walk down the aisle. Thinking of you! If you need anyone to talk to you can always message me!

Alcoholism is dangerous, and an incredibly difficult problem to kick, and leaves long lasting scars. I never met my grandmother, and her alcoholism still drastically affected my life because of the emotional turmoil she put my mother through. I would say wait, if he wants to get sober, he will.

Don't let fear of losing him get in the way of this highly problematic behavior. If he won't change his behavior for you, there is nothing you can do to fix that. It's up to him.

You can suggest therapy and rehab, but just telling him to go won't make him go. He has to decide to do that on his own.

Stop wedding planning, tell him you don't like this behavior and cannot continue this way, and then leave for a few days. Tell him you aren't coming back until he agrees to change. This is a serious problem that is deeply rooted and NEEDS to be addressed.

My MOH and her husband have been together more than ten years and he still has substance abuse issues. It's been a very long road for them throughout the years. It does not magically get easier.

Don't get married expecting it to change.

Definitely counseling. He has to be willing to change. I would probably consider putting the wedding on hold if I were you. I would want this worked out BEFORE being stuck for life.