aita

View Quoted Comment I looked into that. And what we can afford still means people can’t come. We can’t afford a wedding for more people than what my parents offered to pay. I spent the entire day calling around to see what we could afford.

View Quoted Comment No, you don’t have to listen. But you asked for advice and plenty of people have given you advice. Your wedding isn’t until next year. You could easily refuse your parents money and save to have the wedding you want in a year or two. You could elope (it would make his family upset but some of his family isn’t even included, like his uncle or his aunts or even yes, his fathers girlfriend is now his fathers family, making her family). You have options but you refuse to listen to any of them other than your parents paying for the wedding the way they want. That’s not a healthy start to your relationship to have your parents dictate everything in your wedding.

View Quoted Comment Trying to not put myself or fiancé in financial debt over a wedding is actually very mature.

View Quoted Comment You couldn’t afford a wedding you want in two years? Don’t get married next year. Push it back. Or elope and have a celebration of marriage in two years.

View Quoted Comment I’ve started multiple times. My fiancé DOES NOT want to elope. I am not going to do something he has said that he doesn’t want to do. He doesn’t want to do it for himself. Doesn’t want to do it because he wants family there. And just all in all has said no to that idea.


Having parents dictate is not a healthy way to enter marriage. But entering marriage in mass amounts of debt over a wedding isn’t either- hence my parents offering to pay.
And I think we fundamentally agree what is considered family. I don’t consider a gf or bf family (with some exceptions like lgbtq in areas that don’t allow marriage for those couples). People date and break up. I’ve dated people for years and broken up and they mean nothing to me now. A bf or gf is hot family. They are just that- a boyfriend or girlfriend. And those come and go. They do not get treated the same as a family member and do not have the same rank/rights as a parent, sibling, grandparent or close aunt/uncle/cousin.
We can agree to disagree on that.

View Quoted Comment I meant to say fundamentally DISAGREE on my above response. Typo on my phone

View Quoted Comment No. We would like to start trying for a baby soon. So pushing back is not within our timeline for that. And I am absolutely morally against having a child (personally- others can live their lives) before being married. So I’m not waiting to get married for 2 more years just to be able to start trying to have a child. Another reason it’s not smart to blow what money we DO have on a wedding.

At this point I think I have gathered enough suggestions. My FH and I will make the decision we think is best for us whether we turn out AH or not. Thank you for the responses.

View Quoted Comment I mean this in all kindness—we don’t always get what we want. If your parents hadn’t offered to pay, what would you have done? It’s nice to want a wedding, but you are saying you literally could not afford any kind of wedding whatsoever but your fiancé refuses to elope. Those things don’t match up.


I strongly, strongly urge you to reconsider your parents offer and think about starting your marriage on the right, independent foot. This is a much bigger issue than just the FIL’s girlfriend.
Wishing you and FH lots of blessings on a good marriage, which is so much more important than one day.

View Quoted Comment If you don’t have money for a wedding how do you expect to take care of a baby and medical bills? Sounds like you already have medical debt. That’s all a bit more expensive than a party…

View Quoted Comment We have saved for a child. We saved for a house (which we have purchased). My parents agreed to throw us a wedding even before we got engaged so we didn’t plan for that. We didn’t know it would go down this way. But here we are.

View Quoted Comment My entire life my parents have said they would be paying for my wedding and my sisters. I never would have ever thought I’d be in this situation. It never occurred to me. IF I had known, I would have delayed purchasing our house. But, I didn’t know. Hindsight is 20/20. Now the options on the table are save for our future children or spend on a wedding. And my fiancé doesn’t want to elope or do a courthouse wedding. He is very close with his mom and siblings and would be devastated if they weren’t in attendance.

View Quoted Comment I’m not trying to be rude I really just want to get you thinking as this is setting a precedent. What if they offer to pay for daycare in the future? But then they want to dictate which one… or they set up a college fund but then hold it over your head. I’m just saying your parents are using money as a form of control and a free wedding sounds well and great but like you said, here you are. Your husband doesn’t want to elope but also doesn’t want to be fair to those you’re inviting. I think the two of you need to decide what’s most important and will probably both have to make a sacrifice. Maybe it is that your parents pay for the wedding and you keep it all as planned! But keep in mind they *will* remember that and they will try something similar in the future - even if coming from only the best of intentions.

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Those are all great thoughts. His dad left his family for years and they had no relationship. He only came back into his life in high school that was when he remarried his stepmom (who I LOVE) and then he also cheated on her and left her as well. I would like to be considerate of everyone’s feelings here- not just his. His little brother and his stepmom were very hurt and still are. It’s rubbing salt in an open wound. If we had a big wedding where everyone had their space it would be different. But this is small and intimate and I just feel it’s not right. I understand most would think his gf is part of the family but i just dont agree. 2 ex-wives, multiple girlfriends doesnt have a great track record for me.

View Quoted Comment I’m talking about your parents not his. Re-read the comment.

I wouldn't worry about having more than 40 guests. Once people who aren't married realize that they are invited without their SOs, they're likely going to decline.

View Quoted Comment Maybe your friends aren’t as close as you think 😊. That won’t be the case for my friends. My friends are excited to attend. I suggest you find more supportive and confident friends who don’t need a man (or woman) by their side to have fun!

View Quoted Comment Needing your partner by your side and wanting them there while you celebrate someone else's relationship are two totally different things.

View Quoted Comment Well as people pointed out repeatedly above, you don’t always get what you want. And if he chose to not attend his sons wedding over some girl that he’s dating, then that’s a sad and unfortunate decision that he would make. And I sincerely doubt he would make that decision. And even if he did (which I doubt he will) that speaks volumes on his character and his love for his son. A father should be able to put that stuff aside for their child.

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As kk pointed out, there is a vast difference between having a girls night out, or a SO going for drinks with the guys at a bar, and attending a wedding. It has absolutely nothing to do with anyone being supportive or self confident, it has to do with a wedding not being a "stag" event. Couples attend together. The entire purpose of a Plus 1 is so a single person doesn't feel out of place among all the couples that will be there.

But, at this point, I'm pretty sure you're being purposefully obtuse, so please, continue with this train wreck of a wedding plan. I hope it works out for you.