Addressing envelopes - who goes first?

Luckily, wedding wire has a helpful guide.

https://www.weddingwire.com/wedding-ideas/envelope-addressing-etiquette

And so does theknot.com

https://www.google.com/amp/www.theknot.com/content/amphtml/addressing-wedding-invitations

I don't know that it addresses the same sex different last names question though. I always heard the female's name is first. Check some online guides like the ones linked.

ETA: oh wait, they do address that question!

I hate the idea of always putting the man's name first just because he's a man. We just did the names alphabetically, so if one person's first name started with an E and the other started with an M, the E would go first. If it sounded too weird because we didn't know the other person, then we wrote it with the person we knew first.

The person you know better

I think this is one of those things where "traditional" etiquette requires a bit of flexibility.

As far as the same Sex couple I would go with the person who have known longer/Family Member, but I think ultimately it doesn't really matter. As it will be Messrs. John Smith and James Doe. So unless you know specifically someone who might be offended that their name wasn't first I would overly sweat it.

So long as the couple is not married, If the woman is the person you know I don't think anyone in todays society would be too offended if you put the womans name first. FH and I often get invitations to parties from my family where it is Addressed Ms. Colleen ____ and Mr. Joel ____. And we have literally never thought anything of it other then "hey a party!" But again its a little bit know your audience. If its an older or more traditional couple who are unmarried but have been together for years I would maybe switch it up.

But I really think the mans name first most applies to married/Engaged couples. So I think this is where the etiquette gets flexible so long as you know your audience

ETA: I agree with @Goldfisch - It is certainly outdated and aside from older relatives or more traditional people, I dont think people particularly worry about the names on the envelope anymore.

Hehehe, AdventuresofRuth I will never turn my nose up at a WeddingWire link being shared! I guess I should expand, because the WW guide does suggest that SS couples with different last names should be listed alphabetically, but does everyone actually do this? Or do you ever skip this rule and list your relative first, or the friend you've known longer, even if their name is alphabetically second? In your opinion is it rude or ok to write to "Mr John Smith and Mr John Doe" if you are a bit closer to John Smith, or does the etiquette rule trump this?

I'm with everyone else here on smashing the patriarchy and putting the woman first if thats who you know better.

FW and I get things addressed to us pretty much in that way - her name comes first when it's someone she knows better, mine when it's the other way around. Our friends who know us equally mix it up. We put my name first on the save the dates, hers on the invites. So, maybe it's not what the etiquette tips say, but as someone in a same sex couple, I say, no rules!

If you are wanting to follow formal wedding etiquette, it dictates that you the list man first when addressing couples on a wedding invitation (this goes for if the couple is married with/without the same last names and unmarried couples). The exception is when their title is greater (e.g. Doctor or Judge, and only those two titles get spelled out). For same sex couples, list the person you know the best first unless you both persons equally, then you list them in alphabetical order.

So what if the couple is married but you know the wife but not the husband? Going back to my example situation from the OP, if my cousin were legally married to her partner but I had never met him, is it appropriate for me to list her name first, or do their names now have to conform to the traditional rules because they are married? (in this scenario I'm presuming they have different last names so I can't just write the simple Mr and Mrs Lastname)

@Kate I think that looks great! IDK why you would get any hate for that!

@kate, my mom is totally on your team. And I get it. It's tradition. I on the other hand am an insufferable feminist who has problems with everything. A few months ago I was talking to my mom about this and I was like, "Ma, FW has a masters, I have a PhD. Can you imagine if I started calling us Dr and Mrs prettywitty&gay's full name?" She agreed that sounded strange, and I think it sounds stranger with same sex couples for some reason. But then we both kinda cackled about silly it is and how much it ruffles my masculine of center fiancée's feathers and how easy she is to tease and then my mom sent us our shower invite addressed that way (I know, I know, not married yet) because she is the worlds biggest pain in the ass

@Kate oooh yeah I gotcha. Idk it just does not bother me if its on an invitation envelope which almost immediately goes in the trash. But I mean then there is always the option of Mr. and Mrs. John and Jane Smith too! Which I feel meets the traditional etiquette with a semi modern twist! Appease everyone lol!

Oh my god, I'd be annoyed if I got Mr. and Mrs. FH First FH Last. It reduces my identity to Mrs. FH completely like I don't even get a first name if my own. I'm not sure if I'd decline but I'd definitely remark on it so that FH doesn't think that that's okay.

Also, I think esq. follows the name rather than proceeds it. I think it's funny when lawyers use it though lol

@OGAlecia I totally agree. It's definitely a per person preference. which is why I prefer the Mr. john and Mrs. Jane Smith for my personal use and how I plan to address most of my opposite sex couple addresses. I'm insisting that when we are announced at the wedding my First name is also included, It just personally doesn't bother me if I were to receive an address written the super old fashioned way which I dont think has ever happened to us yet actually as the etiquette rules for addressing seem to be one thing that people are more willing to give on.

@Alecia, I think that's great. I've just decided that if I get one of those invitations (unless it was someone who had no reason to know me at all - I suppose it's still better than "and guest"), I will call up the sender and say, "Hello, I noticed that the envelope said Mr. and Mrs. FHFLName. I just wanted to clarify if I am invited? I don't see my name on there."

I did not know that about different titles. FH and I have the same title, but I had a moment like "maybe I'll get my PHD!" Then I realized it would be exceedingly petty of me to earn a new degree just so I can merit being listed first... funny thing, having to merit being listed first because gender would leave me last

@catlady this is how I addressed my save the dates and literally "mwahahaha "-ed when I got to my old fashioned, conservative, chauvinistic uncles

I'm right there with you, Jenny, that drives me mad. I know the traditional rules, talking wedding tradition and etiquette is part of my job these days, but I didn't disappear just because I married a dude. We usually get letters addressed to Mr and Mrs John Doe, when in fact we are Dr John Doe and Ms WWJo Smith. We're at the point where we can tell who wrote to us before we open the envelope just based on how wrong the addressing is.

We also listed the person we knew better first.

We skipped titles altogether on our invites, which is also an etiquette breach. most of my married friends who changed their names have told me they did not like being addressed as "mrs. john smith" (actually, my 60-year-old mother told me she doesn't like being addressed that way either. ) but there may be some guests who prefer it that way, so it was easier just to skip. also, i'm a lawyer and FH is a doctor, so we have a bunch of guests with "special" titles and i didn't want to get into all the extra etiquette rules that some PP have mentioned.

Hey @jenny, let's join forces and crush the patriarchy, one wedding invitation at a time, kay?

We did women's names first unless we really didn't know the woman (which happened only once) I thought I was doing it "correctly," but glad I did what felt right!