Engagement Party is a Surprise Wedding

A friend of mine did this. She was having trouble sleeping. Too much anxiety with the wedding planning. She lived with her now husband then too and she would end up sleeping in the second bedroom sometimes just so she wouldn't wake him. So they talked about it and planned everything for the engagement party and secretly got her dress and his tux. The only people who knew were her brother, father, his parents, and one friend. It was the best decision she made in her case as once they were married her sleep cycle went back to normal. They're now pregnant with their first child.

I think it's a horribe idea. People may not be able to make the engagement party, and will miss the wedding. Also, engagement parties are more casual- if you start at 7, people won't show up until 8 or 9. When would you do the ceremony?

Personally, I think you can plan a smaller ceremony if you want to do it quick and just have a larger reception for everyone later.

I understand not wanting the stress, or waiting- but you've been together for 12 years. A few more months isn't going to kill you. And it doesn't have to be stressful. Keep it simple and it won't be.

But if nothing else, your FS is against it- so that should stop all discussions right there.

Um, yeah. Not a good idea.

Downsize the wedding and the stress instead.

We're known each for 12 yrs.. dating n living w each other a yr n 2 months

Don't do it. listen to Meghan's advice!

It sounds like a fun idea. I think the guests who were there would totally love it...but, i think you may end up being disappointed when some of your guests don't show up. i can see why your FH doesn't like the idea.

The thing is, if that's not how he wants to get married...it shouldn't even be questioned. most guys don't care much about the wedding, just that they get to marry you. the fact that he has an opinion on this is enough that you should just respect it. planning really isn't that bad as long as you take it in strides and do the steps. if you take it all on at once it'll be hard, but it's easy to have another party just like the engagement in 8 months and make that the wedding. make it special, if not for you for him.

It sounds like fun and I can understand and appreciate why you would want to do this but I agree, if FS is against it, stop considering it. You can and will get through the planning and we will all be here to help. If you take things one step at a time and use the planning tools available to you everything will work out just fine. And don't worry about what others say or do. It's your wedding and only the people who love an support you need to be there so just cross the jerks off the guest list. Besides, it sounds like FS will totally help and support you along the way!

Have you thought about having a small ceremony at the court house with your family & then renewing your vows next year with all your family & friends? Or having a big reception/party to ensure that everyone can make it? Just a thought

Yeah if he isn't 100% in love with the idea don't do it. If he thinks you're "cheaping" him of his wedding that's all the more reason to not do it. Meghan said it perfectly. People may not show up on time or at all and then they'd miss the whole wedding. If he isn't comfortable with a wedding like that then it's not an option. It's his wedding too, regardless if you do or don't want to deal with the planning stress.

I'd say it'd be a great idea if both of you agreed on it, but since your FH doesn't agree with it, you need to discard the idea alltogher. Wedding planning is the very first step when couples have to compromise, you have to respect that he doesn't want to get married like that. Maybe you should go to the court house then have a celebration later, that way the stress is not as much.

Honestly, I'm with Meghan. The wedding doesn't have to be elaborate, and it can be very casual, like the engagement party..and you can do it sooner than a year. I have a feeling some people would be crushed if they figured they couldn't travel to an engagement party, then find out later it was your wedding and would have come..You said you'd let OOT people know, they would probably spill the beans anyways leading to a lot of confusion.

A couple invited their families to a Christmas morning brunch. I guess they assumed everyone would show up. Guests were suspicious that there might be an engagement announcement. Instead I married the couple in front of the Christmas tree -- SURPRISE!

Though I think the idea might be fun, I don't think it will be best if your FS isn't on board with it. And yes, you might want to cancel out all the stress of wedding planning but I think you might be cheating yourself out on something you might regret in the future. Like the other ladies said, you don't need to have an elaborate wedding. Keep it small, simple and fun. For those that can't make the "surprise" wedding might be a little hurt that they missed it. Ultimately it's up to you but I think you should give yourself and your FS the chance to enjoy a real wedding.

I agree with the Nicci, if he doesn't love the idea, you both need to come up with an idea you both love (the wedding is about two people, not just the bride or just the groom).

Maybe a small destination wedding.

Also, your reasoning of not wanting other peoples advice, it is best to learn how to deal with it now, because there are many times in adult life that your parents are going to want you to at least humor their advice (i.e. pregnancy, childrearing, jobs, purchasing a house).

I'm with Meghan don't do it ... because people who would otherwise have liked to be there didn't go because it was an engagement party. Some people (and I'm one of them) think engagment parties are tacky and just a way of getting gifts out of their guests ...

If you want a short engagement then get married this year late summer/early fall ... then you won't have to stress for a year ...

I understand your reasons and some of the reasons of the PP's here suggesting that you don't... but I think that it is YOUR day so go with YOUR gut instinct. Just because it wouldn't work for some of the PP's doesn't mean it won't work for you.

If your FS isn't on board, try a compromise. Would he be willing to "rush" everything and get married asap as long as people knew it was the real wedding and would show up? If you don't care about planning something super formal and think people will give you a hard time up until the day of, find middle ground.

If FS can't be persuaded and you don't want other people bullying you about your wedding day, figure out the best way to brush off everyone else. "Oh that's a nice idea, I can't wait to see what you do with it at YOUR event."

We both have kids from previous relationships n don't want our ex's crashing our wedding. Both ex's have issues (mine is an abusive psycho n his is a hard core tweeker) My family is super supportive of our relationship... his was not so nice (ex. Asking me to blow my nose outside in the rain when I'm super sick at a b-day dinner early nov after dumb comments being thrown all nite, I got my kids n left my dude was like wait got his n left w me n told his mom that's it's enough that of his family treatment towards me n my kids n if the holidays don't go as they should we won't come around as often at a later time) My family already considers him family. I'm getting the resentment that his baby mama caused.

We shocked everyone we knew when we got together since we were always just friends. He is warming up to the idea since I'm getting a wedding planner to give it that special bridal touch. We just threw a Valentine's Day party n had a great turnout. I'm sure we will have a great turnout

I've been thinking of doing a similar thing. Please write an update how this goes for you if you do (did) decide to go through with this. If your fiancé is set on a big wedding, I would let him plan it. I would love it if mine would plan our wedding! One of my friends is doing this at her Fourth of July party. The way she sees it, all the truly important people will be there and no one will feel obligated to bring gifts. They don't need anything as they have been living together for some time and don't need much. Good luck!

After only a month of being engaged and planning on eloping anyway, my fiance and I have decided to do a surprise wedding. It's easier on our end because we ONLY want our family in attendance. No worry about friends not attending. Some out of town family is flying in for the holiday weekend and a week ago we decided - LET'S DO IT!! There will only be 20 of us. So we found a small restaurant that has a private room. We made sure all our family could attend our "engagement dinner". The officiant is booked. My wedding dress is being altered. And we're going to make it happen. I'd be lying if I said i wasn't nervous at all. But I'm happy that this will be stress free and my family will be there to witness it.

Betty - please let us know how your surprise wedding goes!