Writing Vows to stepchildren

I remember attending my husband's brother's wedding-- an over the top, no expense spared, conventional, church wedding with an elaborate reception -- in which the bride had three children from a prior marriage. The two girls were dressed in gorgeous dresses, and the youngest, a little boy (about four years old) was dressed in a tux.

As I recall, the bride and groom exchanged vows while the children (admittedly young children, 4. 7, and 9) sat on the front row of the bride's side. Then, the minister called the children up and there was a sweet "family vow" exchange.

I don't want to put on damper on what you're envisioning, but can I give you some advice? If you have even an inkling that one of these children are overwhelmed (or are still holding onto the prospect of their parents getting back together), keep this portion of the ceremony as brief as possible. I'm not going to go into detail as to how this particular wedding ceremony played out, but I will say that if the couple had an understanding of what this wedding meant to a child as it actually happened, they would have tailored the length and verbiage of the "family vows". Your situation might be entirely different, and if it is, excuse me for mentioning it.

Can you share the vows with us? I'd love to read them.

I considered doing this. In the end, we chose not to include it. Several factors played into that decision.

My oldest step-son is 19. He and I have a tenuous (at best) relationship. This would not have been received well by him. He ended up not being able to attend the wedding at all (lives in Alaska).

My middle step-son (12) was already playing his violin during the ceremony. He was nervous enough being the focus of attention (he was told he could back out at amy time). Forcing him to be in the spotlight even more would have made him extremely uncomfortable.

My youngest step-son (9) is autistic. He would not understand what the vows meant. He cannot express emotions very well. He made it through the ceremony as a Groomsman and that was a huge deal.

For our family, including this element would not have worked. If I were going to do it, I would do it after the vows to your FH. To me, that flows better and makes more sense, as they would not be your step-children without marrying FH.

Kimi, I have a feeling that you will be the quintessential step-mother -- a woman who makes their father happy, but also a woman who takes the time to consider the deepest emotions of these kids (yes, I know the 19 year old might take some time, but you may be shocked at what your relationship with him looks like in 10 - 12 years). You took each child, regardless of their age, into consideration and decided that as lovely as the "family vows" might be, it wasn't in the best interest of your step-children. One day, these kids will consider you a wonderful friend who has their best interest at heart.

Kudos to you. You have a mother's heart.

Aww, Centerpiece, thank you for those kind words. I couldn't love those boys more if I had given birth to them (even the oldest). I will always strive to do what is in their best interest.

I don't doubt it for a minute. You come across as truly genuine. May your family life bring tidal waves of blessings into your home.

Here are the vows foe the boys I have written for now

Their names

I want you bots to know how much I love your father. As you 3 have shared him with me, I will share the love I have for him with all 3 of you. I promise to always be fair & honest. I will be there for you boys and in time, hope to earn your love, respect and friendship. I promise I will never attempt to replace anyone but instead, make a place in your hearts that is mine alone. I promise to alwayd be your friend and cherish you all as I do your father. I will always love and support you as my own. Even though I have not given you boys life, you have given my life meaning. For that, I am blessed and will continue to be your friend. Always be here and never be to busy to make memories.

Centerpiece Flowers...for you

I love the fact that you referenced and honored their mother. There's a lot about this that I love, Brittany. Nice work.

Thank you so much. The situation with the boys is that, well. They love their mom. And I strongly promote that. Despite the fact they never want to go home with her . They are excited that me and their father are getting married. Which I love their excitement.

This is why I want to incorporate vows to them.

It's very lovely. I, personally, don't like vows to children. My son was mentioned in our ceremony but the vows stayed between the two people being legally married. And as centerpiece said, this type of stuff doesn't play out like people expect typically.

We opted out of vows to FSD and found other ways to incorporate her into the wedding celebration. I feel weird about the idea of vows for us because FSD has a great relationship with her mom and I'm very aware that while I'll be her step mom by marrying her dad and the fact that I love her as if she were biological daughter, I am not her mother. I lucky enough to be another adult her life that loves her and for me the vows seemed like unnecessary pressure to put on an 7 year for her to accept me as suxh.

That's just my personal take on it. I do want to say OP, that I love the vows you've written to your FSS's and like Centerpiece I like that you reference their mom. Every relationship is different so for you they might work.

Personally, I don't like them though I've had several couples do this. Your wedding is a place to say vows to your future spouse, to promise to create a loving family. I know a lot of children (at least the ones I've met) have been conflicted about the marriage (especially if they are older) or confused (if they are younger. They may also be at a moment in their life when any pubic display of emotion is mortifying.

I love the words you've written; I'd say them in private. I would venture a guess that the guests know where your heart is, and they know you'll give this part of your relationship your every effort. But essentially, the ceremony is about you two.

On another note, I'd be careful with the words elsewhere in the ceremony. Clearly everyone getting married believes it will last forever, and sometimes it's a little tricky to portray that optimism without the obvious elephant in the room.....the fact that it sometimes doesn't.

I chose not to say vows to my stepsons because it just felt a bit awkward. The marriage is between me and DH, so I wanted the focus to be there. However, in my vows I promised DH to continue to love and care for his children as though they were my own. We also did a sand ceremony and the kids were happy to be included in that. They were also happy to be the ring bearer and Best Man. In this way, they played special roles at our wedding, even without vows. But you know best what works for your family.

Thanks ladies. I think I may just write it down. And personally hand deliver it to them.

I truly appreciate all you beautiful ladies advice

Those are beautiful, Brittany. You are giving me ideas for what FH and I might do with our ceremony.

(My kids love their dad, but they also love FH and he asked their "permission" to propose. He proposed one night when all 4 of us were at dinner.)

That is amazing story 2nd time. Love it. I told my future step sons, if they are okay if their dad and I get married. As long as they are in the wedding they said.

I love stories like yours though. Truly makes you smile and your heart skip a beat!!

My stepdad and mom have been together for 16 years, but never married. He is everything a dad is, to me. My dad is a POS and constantly tries to turn my world upside down, and has never been there for me. My stepdad has been to every sporting event, held me when my grandma died, and has never tried to take the place of my dad. We had a very strained relationship when I was younger because I just didn't appreciate him and everything he did. I was dead set on my dad, I thought he was the best thing ever. As Kimi did, make sure you know your relationship with the kids.

My fiance asked both his kids and my daughter if we could get married!!! The kids were so excited! They were even part of the proposal!

Brittany, I love what you wrote. Family vows are super popular in my neck of the woods and the kids really appreciate being part of the ceremony celebrating their new family. We've done many variations depending on family situation and children's ages. Ceremony wise I always suggest they be said after the bride and groom have said their vows and exchanged rings.

How did you mention your son in the vows

Im having a hard time trying to find the right words to use to include my daughter his son and our son we have together.?