Why do we treat etiquette rules as laws?

View Quoted Comment

I agree, I think being a considerate friend/family member is always important regardless of wedding planning or not. Thank you for explaining more on what etiquette/basic manners are important to you!

Honestly I agree, it's ridiculous. Ettiquite was invented back when the bride and groom loved with Mom and Dad before they got married and the whole town was invited. It's no longer like that and we need to catch up to reality with that.
I'm having a dry wedding and you can see the down right nasty comments on it in many threads. If someone can't survive the night without a drink I will happily uninvite them ettiquite can kiss my rear.

View Quoted Comment

I'm glad you'll be sticking with your vision for your wedding. I think that alcohol can be a touchy subject for a lot of people and if you think that your wedding needs to go without for whatever that reason is, you should stick with it! Plus people can always go out for a drink afterwards if they want.

"Etiquette" is defined as the customary code of polite behavior. Since many only get married one time in their life, it's hard to know what the "customary code" is without input and feedback from others with more experience. In the big picture, I think most etiquette is an application of the "Golden Rule" -- treating others as you'd like to be treated. When hosting an event, like a wedding, I think it means considering your guests' comfort and meeting their basic needs for things like food, beverage, and a comfortable physical environment. In my experience on this forum discussions related to etiquette often become the most heated when brides/couples put forth an idea that seems to put their own wants/needs ahead of consideration of their guests' most basic needs. Two "biggies" seem to be asking for particular gifts/parties and not meeting guests' basic needs. I was raised to believe that it is considered very rude to ask people to host parties for you and/or to suggest others should give you gifts. Giving a gift and the choice of a gift should always be the decision of the giver (a wedding registry has become an accepted social convention for making preferences known, while not directly asking for a gift). And, any gift should be received with appreciation and graciousness (and the giver should receive a timely, heartfelt thank-you), regardless of whether it was what the receiver "wanted/preferred." When hosting an event, it is the hosts' responsibility to meet their guests' basic needs. If they cannot afford to host at even that most basic level, then guests should not be invited. They should have a private celebration.

The posts I have trouble with on this forum are from brides/couples whom seem to think/demand that they have a right to expect whatever they want from guests (e.g., only cash gifts, complying with expectations for significantly early RSVPs, spending a lot of time/money to travel for a wedding in the couple's "dream location," etc.), but aren't willing to meet their guests' needs (e.g., paying for a seat for every guest, providing food and beverage, keeping people out of extreme weather, being "angry" when guests choose not to spend their time & money traveling for a wedding, etc.). In addition, it's not as much an etiquette issue as an indication of values, when brides/couples prioritize their own comforts/preferences over basic hosting for their guests (e.g., choosing an expensive and/or multiple gowns, but poorly hosting guests -- I've been to a wedding with lots of self-indulgent prioritization by the bride & groom [two different video drones, a 30+ minute professional video of their childhood photos, etc., but a cash bar for even a soda...]). I think that's disrespectful and suggests a selfishness by the couple.

For many couples, a wedding is the first MAJOR social event they host. It's an opportunity to further establish others' perceptions of the couple as people with good manners who prioritize others' needs above their own. I don't think there is a disadvantage to cultivating a reputation for being well-mannered. (Also, on a practical note, in my experience, people who are of a "more conventional/traditional" generation are also more likely in a position to give gifts of higher monetary value. It's often surprising to me when posters are comfortable with potentially insulting those same guests by disregarding etiquette that might matter to them.)

As with all (legal) things, we have a choice about how we behave; however, virtually all choices have potential consequences. Can one blow off etiquette? Of course, but there may be social and practical consequences of that behavior.

As others have said, there are some very outdated forms or wedding etiquette. But proper manners will never be outdated or go out of style. Which is why most polite people chose to still follow it.

The majority of wedding ettiquite is outdated such as having a cash bar, gaps, hosting your own shower, etc.

However, there are some wedding ettiquite that helps make sure things run smoothly like sending out your invitations earlier if you're having a destination wedding. At the end of the day, do what you want for your wedding. Dont let strangers on an app who have no idea about your life or culture tell you how to go about your special day.

A bunch of etiquette is outdated. Basic manners is one thing, but the craziness of etiquette is something completely different to me. My biggest thing is kids at the wedding. It drives me CRAZY to see the forums on this & hear people (who live close by) say oh, if I saw a kid at the wedding & my kid wasn’t invited I would be pissed. As the host, we should be able to grant access to certain kids, as well as make exceptions for out of town guests - they are paying for flights, hotels, food, etc. but goodness if you live local, drive 45 mins - then your child (whom in most cases FH & I have never met) should get an invite bc other kids are there & you shouldn’t have to pay for a sitter.

View Quoted Comment

I agree wholeheartedly with this!

I have been criticized by people for not wanting a bridal shower because we live in a one bedroom apartment and have everything we need and most of it is new. My mom is the only parent who is paying for like 90% of the wedding so I’m not gonna have her waste money on something I really can do without. I’ve been criticized for having a engagement get together and not something more formal and about a ton of other things. I’m perfectly fine with cooking bbq style and serving drinks and playing lawn games and a bonfire as a engagement party. It’s cheaper than a restaurant or place to rent out, my best friend is hosting the party and guests will get feed and have a few alcoholic drinks available and desserts and everything. We aren’t the complete formal type anyways. My mom is paying for the venue and everything else, why make her go broke before I get married with all these “proper things” that should be done when t comes to getting married. I have been told that my FH will regret not inviting his mom... he doesn’t talk to her she’s toxic and abusive but you “ only get one mom”.. like why do these things matter so much to others? Unless the person is paying for it then they should shut up because it’s 2019 and things have changed a lot. People willing to go into debt to abide by proper wedding etiquette or tradition and to me that’s completely insane

My partner and I are throwing traditional wedding etiquette out the door. I personally come from a very abusive family all of him are not invited to the wedding at all. Literally none of them know of my partner and I even dating little on being engaged. My partner is Mother past 6 years ago and her father ever since he married his new wife has been a terrible father figure and she told me a while ago that she really didn't want him there at the wedding but maybe at a get together afterwards. So my partner and I have decided that the only people we are inviting to the wedding at all or her sister, brother-in-law, and nephew. They are basically the only family either of us has. Though she doesn't know it yet we are going to save an empty seat for her mom at the wedding because her mom meant the world to her and losing her mother just about ripped her apart. The first venue I went to asking around about prices and such was held by an older woman about in her 60s and she chewed me out for about 45 minutes all about how "your family should be at the wedding" and that "it didn't matter what they had done in the past". That is until I walked away with it solidly in my head that any venue run by her was out of the question.

My dad said we couldn't do tacos for the wedding. In his eyes weddings have steak, mashed potatoes, and a vegetable. Not our style. We are having a "fancy" southwestern taco/fajita/nacho and slider bar. I'm sure people will judge our choices, but it isn't an etiquette issue. It is our preference and has nothing to do with budget. There will be plenty of food and booze for everyone even if it isnt a traditional wedding meal.

What I find frustrating is when brides want to spend a majority of their budget on photography or their dress and then skimp on guest comfort. Or they want 10 bridesmaids and demand everything from them. That is poor etiquette, and I'm not sure who can argue with that.

I relate To this fully and can remember a time I almost left the forums and deleted wedding wire because of how torn apart I was by others for an “against etiquette idea” it was pretty crazy. I consider etiquette a guideline for things not the be all end all. I feel like this is a major problem on these forums especially for things such as honeymoon funds for example. (I am not doing one but that doesn’t mean someone should not be able to or torn apart for wanting to) Times have changed as should the ideas surrounding weddings. For example my parents are not paying for the wedding but we still had the invites say mr and Mrs so and so invite you to celebrate. It didn’t end our world to do that. We are also doing a themed wedding which I have heard goes against etiquette. In addition to that I think with etiquette there are certain undeniable truths to live by. For example providing some sort of food or cake for the wedding.

Ettiquite sets the standard. Some are out dated but good ones still remain. Those who choose not to use basic ettiquite end up with unhappy guests. If someone in a forum says it's against ettiquite they usually will say why ie hosting a shower for yourself because it's rude to throw yourself a gift giving event.

I am excluding a flower girl and ring bearer strictly on the ground of it saving a little money, I am also having a cash bar because bartenders are 50 bucks an hour plus 18 percent gratuity and having a bunch of heavy drinkers would get expensive really fast. Not to mention, people would be mad if only half of the guests got to drink because we had blown the cap on our budget. Some traditions are nice, but I definitely think it is not an end all be all. Yes, I have been scolded by my mother by not wanting to invite children so I caved... I am still not happy about it but its worth every penny to not be scolded every day for the next year

Some traditions I respect and would rather use because quite frankly I don't care if someone is offended I used "Mr & Mrs Smith" on invites. I always say, that sounds like a you problem not a me problem. Other etiquette I didn't care about like when someone told us they won't be coming to our wedding after STDs went out, we didn't send them an invitation then because why waste the paper, stamp, money for them to tell us no again? Also didn't care about the etiquette of certain SO's being invited because we took a family first approach. I say, you're allowed to do whatever you want, people will judge it if they don't like it/wouldn't personally do it and that's that. Like I wouldn't throw a potluck wedding because that's not my style.