Why do we treat etiquette rules as laws?

To me basic etiquette is host people well (a place to sit and a meal if over a meal time), don’t invite people to a gift giving party if they aren’t invited to the actual event, and send a thank you note. I don’t think any of those rules are particularly outdated or aren’t applicable in the current year. Beyond that I think it’s a matter of preference and opinion. Throughout my wedding planning I always tried to keep my friendships and relationships first and remain grateful and appreciative.

There’s plenty of outdated etiquette that no one cares about; who pays for the wedding, the couple seeing each other before the ceremony, spending the night together before the wedding, living together/sex before marriage, etc. In my experience, the etiquette that still stands has to do with manners and guest experience. Whether it’s 1960 or 2037, it’s still important to have manners and treat people well. That’s why people preach about not inviting people to showers who aren’t invited to the wedding, hosting showers for yourself, inviting people to the ceremony and not the reception, etc.

I agree 100% And I have posted these exact questions!

I refer back to etiquette because, for me, it’s a reminder for what is kind and thoughtful. No, the ghost of Emily Post will not rise against you if you host your own shower or have a cash bar at your wedding.

Despite my wedding being over, I still host events. Having a book or reference for etiquette is super helpful as a guide for hosting. I want to be mindful of what my guests will experience.

To me, if you don’t want to follow the letter of etiquette that’s fine, just don’t go treating guests poorly or overextending your family and friends. IMO, it is the height of rudeness to expect people to put out their time, money, and effort to come visit/celebrate you and for the host to turn around and expect something (paying for things, gifts, etc).

A wedding is a luxury. Hosting people is a luxury. If you can’t do it in a kind, thoughtful, polite way, why do it at all? You can easily go to the courthouse, get married, and go to brunch with your spouse if you have no desire to treat your family and friends well.

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I can definitely understand all of those rules. I think that often times though, that one about parties can turn into, "you're not allowed to have any kind of celebration with people if you're not having a traditional wedding where they're invited". I saw a forum where a girl was having a small, family only wedding because of cost, but her friends (who knew they weren't invited to the wedding and were still happy for her) wanted to throw her a bachelorette party and she was torn to shreds for having the audacity to be treated like a bride when she wasn't having a big wedding. I think some people have harsher opinions on etiquette and force those opinions onto others.

I'm so glad that you've been able to keep such a strong head and heart while planning!

Etiquette is there to help you, not to hurt you. Properly hosting your guests never goes out of style!

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I love that you are able to use an etiquette book to help you with hosting parties! Anything that makes things easier.

I think that what is considered kind and thoughtful can be very biased though. For example, I once talked in a forum with a woman who thought having a registry was "begging your guests for gifts" and that it was a detestable thing to have.

I am wondering about something you said though, "You can easily go to the courthouse, get married, and go to brunch with your spouse if you have no desire to treat your family and friends well." Do you see court house weddings as treating your family poorly?

View Quoted Comment Oh yeah if someone wants to host a bachelorette party and they are aware of the small wedding there’s nothing wrong with that! I learned pretty quickly that a lot of people have opinions throughout wedding planning and it’s impossible to please everyone. I knew I was treating people properly and doing my best and that was all that mattered. Anyone that tried to tell me I had to invite more people or had to have a day after brunch etc etc I just told they were free to do what they wanted when it was their wedding!

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I think that there's definitely beneficial rules that fit different people's styles. I appreciate your opinion!

I guess basic manners to me is a good thing it can go to far. But I think some basic etiquette like basic manners is important.

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I love your outlook! I'm glad you've been able to stick to your vision.

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Can you tell me which rules are considered basic etiquette to you?

I know that what I consider basic manners can often times be different than what other's consider basic manners. For example, I would never ever burp or fart in a public place. EVER. Meanwhile, some people think it's fine as long as they say excuse me. Or that they don't have to say anything at all.

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No problem at all

View Quoted Comment Yeah, no etiquette book I’ve read has ever considered a registry begging (I mean unless you require gifts for entrance into your reception or post about it on social media non-stop).

Nope. I never said or thought that about a courthouse wedding. I was saying that *if* one has no desire to host a celebration OR they feel basic etiquette courtesy should not apply to them they are welcome to go for the courthouse wedding option (meaning they don’t hosts guests they just do something for themselves. I hope this isn’t misconstrued as me hating on courthouse weddings. I love all celebrations of love!

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I'm glad you share the opinion! I think I've just seen people crucified on here for wanting to do things that I don't think is rude or wrong, simply because it's not in line with wedding etiquette. I hope this hasn't happened to you!

Well rules are mean to be broke right?
You're so right on everything you said! We really need to be more modern and if we are advancing so should our etiquette and rules. I do think certain things are basic and common sense to avoid being rude to your guest but not everything has to be by the book.

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Some have tried it! Lol but I'm not having it!

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I hope I didn't offend you, I was questioning what you meant by it, not saying that you were of that opinion. I also love all celebrations of love.

There were a few people in the forum about registries that I saw who agreed having a registry was tacky and greedy, generally all in the same age group though (To be fair, it wasn't on WW). Their idea of proper etiquette was to let people give you what they want and to not ask for any type of gift at all. I was surprised because I always felt like registries were so helpful as a guest.

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I agree!

I do think that common sense isn't generally very common though, as everyone was raised a different way. I do think being considerate is important, but there are times where I think people are reaching to call something rude.

View Quoted Comment I guess for me the biggest wedding rule is not to be demanding on wedding party. Do not get a dress with our asking the budget the expect them to pay for hair make up and nails. Then demand parties. I get we are all spending a lot on our wedding but that was our choice. You should pick people you want be your side regardless if they have the time or money to spend on a lot of stuff. That and make sure people with food needs have something they can eat.
Other then that I don’t care about cash bars, or what kind of food you have where it is from. (I would be careful only cause of how easy people can get sick from food) what colors you use, time of wedding, dress of wedding. Who pays, how much anything is.