"Whoever Pays Has The Final Say"

I think they should have some input. Maybe make agreements. My dad helped us but we did ask him his thoughts and tried to stay careful with his money.

View Quoted Comment

Making an agreement sounds like a good idea.

I think in an ideal world there would be a sort of compromise. Whomever is offering to pay should ask the couple what their vision is to make sure they like or agree with it. But also the couple needs to make sure they respect the offered budget. I think a lot of people get over excited and make assumptions and is why this can backfire.
Ultimately I believe whomever is footing the bill has the final say and if you don't like it you should fund the wedding yourself.

My thought is whoever has the checkbook has the final say in how that money is spent unless it is written up as a gift. Hopefully they agree on what that money means beforehand, but that's not always the case.

I believe that whoever pays has the final say only in terms of budget. My parents are paying for our wedding and the only thing they had a firm say on was the guest list and budget. But for everything else it is what FH and I want. My parents just want us to be happy.

View Quoted Comment

That is precisely why my husband and I funded our wedding ourself. We didn't want anyone to feel that they had the right to tell us what to do on our day.

View Quoted Comment

I've heard of situations where even if the money is a gift the gifter wants to run the show.

View Quoted Comment

Do you mean that your parents decided who is coming to the wedding or how many people are coming to the wedding?

View Quoted Comment Yes kind of. FH and I were asked to make our guest list first. So we got to add any friends we wanted and then my parents asked FH’s family for their guest lists. Then my parents made theirs. I did tell them I don’t want them to invite anyone I don’t know and they agreed. But they got to invite all their friends too. So they didn’t totally get to decide who comes but in including their guests, they did get to decide how many people but there wasn’t really an exact maximum number.

View Quoted Comment I had all the money to do it myself but the dress was the most important thing in the world to my mother. She doesn't care about anything else but the dress and it was really really really important to her to not let me buy it. So I showed a bunch of examples of what I liked and she said as long as I didn't wear black she'd pay for it. So I let her buy it.
I'm surprised she let everything else go, she's very type A and loves weddings.

I guess I’m just different ... I don’t believe that because you’ve offered to pay for something regarding my wedding that you get to have the final say or any say. Why attempt to be generous and then make my day about you? I appreciate any and all help but you’re not dictating what I do because you’ve decided to help!

View Quoted Comment Same here. I assume everything has strings attached. Even a 'choose what you want' becomes some sort of quid pro quo later on (i.e. why don't I see you more, watch kids, pay for other things, drive to appointments). I also expect people to back out.
In short, if you want independence, never accept large 'gifts.'

This is what my FH and I were talking about not too long ago. I would think that the person with the checkbook would ultimately have the final say, it is their money. We are paying for our wedding ourselves so it not something we have to worry about.

View Quoted Comment

Okay, thank you for clarifying.

View Quoted Comment

That was really nice of her to purchase your dress.

View Quoted Comment

I agree with your perspective.

View Quoted Comment

Well said.

View Quoted Comment

My husband and I did the same thing.

We were really, really fortunate that my parents wanted to help with the reception costs. I am the youngest child (not too young though at 30 lol!) but also the only girl, and they definitely got a say in what we decided. Luckily they were pretty easy going, and liked our food choices, and really just wanted to upgrade the bar a little bit.

I agree that the people paying should have some say, but not ALL of the say, because it is ultimately about the couple.

FiL's are giving a big chunk of money. We didn't ask they just said "this is what we gave for your brothers and what we will give for yours". They did not say they were giving with strings attached so as far as FH and I are concerned there are no strings. Hopefully they will be fine with what we've decided. If not, then we'll give them back the money. It's our day.