Who pays for the parents' friends?

I don’t think your parents are being unfair. I’d go through their list with your FH and make sure there’s no one on there that he missed in your list and then if not I’d maybe offer them a few guests and they can pick a few couples off their list. An extra 45 people that neither of you care about/know is excessive IMO.

Since your parents are the ones paying, I do think it's their right to decide how many guests your fiance's parents can invite. I would have them provide a set number of people they can accommodate. 45 definitely seems excessive!

The hosts of the wedding pay for all guests. It would be extremely hostile to ask anyone but you the couple to pay, if parents only want to pay theirs. I would reject their money, and have the wedding I could afford with no help, before asking parents who had not volunteered to help, to pay for what is your responsibility as a couple, or the co-host your parents, responsibility. What is reasonable, passes the etiquette test, is for son to limit the number of guests not already on son's list, to a table of 10-12 or 2 smaller ones. Or if parents jad originally said, we will pay all general costs, but will only pay catering and drinks for our friends and family, as a gift, then it would be up to you as a couple to pay for all your friends, his relatives, and at least a few couple or table of parents. You would be the default payer, not your parents. The overall number of guests his parents expect, is out of line. You don't invite 30, 40 people unless a co-host from the start. Cut the numbers. Now if they offer to pay abo e that reasonable number, just drinks and catering, you choose. But don't expect a rehearsal dinner, shower, of other cost from them.

View Quoted Comment So to clarify, my parents are the hosts and they have offered to pay for all of my friends and family, all of FHs friends and family, and all of their friends and family. They only do not wish to pay for FH's parents' friends and family.


So are you saying that my parents should pay for who they want (my family, FH's family, and mine and FHs friends) but they can accept an offer from FH's parents to cover the cost of their own friends and family guests?

I'd recommend that your parents limit your fiance's parents to a smaller number of guests they can invite, such as 14 or 16. 45 people is outrageous when they're not the ones paying

45 people is a lot to ask. I’m not sure how big your wedding will be, but that’s a big chunk of my guest list. I’m planning for a bit over 100 people.


There is a middle ground between them inviting a few people that you FH isn’t close to but they would like to share the day with, and 45 people. I mean, that would run about 4k at my venue (and mine is a pretty affordable one for my area).
With some thinking you can come up with a way to frame it so they are not upset - if they are reasonable people.
I also suggest your FH handle this. As long as he is not the sort to throw you under the bus if they get angry with him LOL

View Quoted Comment Our list without the 45 is around 210. So it is a large wedding, but their guests would be about 1/5th of it. And it would cost us nearly $5k for their guests.


I'm curious if you think FH is better to talk to them about it than my parents? I wasnt sure what the right way to communicate is

View Quoted Comment Because he has the closest connection to them and they will be more prone to listen.
They may “attacked” in a way if your parents talk to them - like your parents are lording it over them in a way, since your parents are paying. I hope that makes sense?
Also, when situations come up in marriage with his parents (and there usually are some things, even with the sweetest in laws) if he takes the lead, it doesn’t seem like you are controlling him. He will own his responsibility. Same for you with your parents. Not that you can’t be there, but that hw is clear that he is 100% in agreement. I hope that makes sense. But...everyone has unique families. My mom (long passed, I am 52 and she had me a bit older) would be more amenable to my then husband because she thought the husband should rule the roost (insert eyeroll).

View Quoted Comment A voluntary offer. Not a demand, or they don't come. Just as it is a very long term accepted custom that that esyablished couples are always inviteds as a couple ( except with bad behavior), im anything but a very private tiny wedding , parents on both sides have always been able to invite several couples, or a table to sit with, who are not on the kids' list. A generation of family tge couple does not know, or a fiew friends. When parents were primary hosts, It was often split one third of guessts to each set of parents, regardless of who paid what, and one third to the couple. Or half not 2/3 to the parents and half not 1/3 to the couple. And it sounds like FI parents think this way. But now that parents give significant help in only a half of weddings, and wholly host under a quarter, the main payers are the couple. Where the parents used to host and make many decisions, the couple holds at least half responsibility. And that includes anything anyone giving you a gift of support will not pay One of the hosts must pay for a small number of guests at least, a table ( 4 couples, usual) to have their peers to talk, dance, be proud parents. And if you give them none, most wedding guests would judge you as horrible, horrible people, unless you have long been estranged from your parents, or your guest list is super small, like 30-40. You are a co-host. His parents are guest parents. You pay what your parents don't. Still at least only about a table worth, not a third of all guests.

Oh my the audacity of your future in-laws! Lol I could not imagine having that many random people at my wedding. I would have your fiancé deal with this; best wishes!

If fiance is not close to the folks on this list, then invite none. Especially since his parents are dictating something that is not their decision to make if they are not contributing.

Update: I counted wrong. They are requesting 51 of their own guests

Your fiancé needs to go through the list and see if there are any people that would be missed if they did not attend. If he wants them there, they should be invited. If he doesn’t, they don’t need to be included. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing, either. If he knows some of them and enjoys their company, he might want them there. He is the one who needs to explain that the others won’t be invited, though. He can approach it from the standpoint that your guest list is already quite large and you don’t want the wedding to be too massive. Your parents bringing it up and mentioning the money could get ugly fast and come off completely differently than it’s intended.

My fiancé’s parents have four couples and one additional person that are being invited to our wedding. I would have preferred they weren’t, but my fiancé and I at least both know these people. It would’ve been a huge issue if we did not invite them, and we already have enough issues with them without that on top of it. We’ve told them that we cannot include anyone else because we are already at our maximum for our venue, which is true.

Wow! That is a lot to ask for someone who isn't hosting. Considering your parents are paying for all of the wedding, I don't think your FH's parents get to come up with any list of their own. I think it is so rude to ask to bring 51 more guests to an event that you yourself are a guest at. Can your FH work with his parents to bring their additional guest list to like 5 or 10 people? Or just tell them flat out no - you can't invite anyone who isn't on our list? You are already including everyone that your FH wants there, I don't think his parents have a right to add more people to that list.

View Quoted Comment That is way too many!!!

I mean, even if parents are paying, 51 people that the bride and groom aren’t close to is a lot!

51 people are a lot of extra expenses. If your inlaws are not helping in anyway ( btw grooms family is suppose to be responsible for tuxs/suits and rehearsal dinner) then they do not get to demand anyone be there that you don't know. I think that is very rude and to just assume when you have put no contribution in is ridiculous. This isn't just like 10 extra people. If i added 50 guest to my wedding it woudl cost me thousands of dollars in extra food, alcohol, table setups, centerpieces, cigars... all that stuff. Thats a big expense wealthy or not

51 is ridiculous and entitled


First, have your FH talk to his parents about bringing that number down
Second, you and FH should discuss covering the costs of these guests of his parents, since your parents don't want to pay.
Your parents paying is very gracious. If there is anything they won't cover, the responsibility falls on you as the couple to pay the rest.

Yea I agree with all the others on this.

Once you and your FH look over the list and see if it's anyone that was missed I could see conceding a few. Otherwise, it would be a firm no from me. They'll have family there that they can interact with, so they don't need to invite all of their friends who you and your FH have no relationship with.

If you want to be kind and allow them to invite a group of friends, I would suggest no more than a table's worth.

I would also definitely make it something your FH talks to them about. They are his family and he needs to make them understand that it's unfair of them to ask your parents to host a party for his parent's friends. That would never be done at a regular party, so to do so for a wedding is just highly offensive in my book. If they would like to contribute you could adjust how many, but I still wouldn't allow the full 51 people. That's crazy.

Your parents do ultimately get a say as well. If they think it's odd to add that many people (whom neither of you have a real relationship with) it's your job to understand and correct your in-laws. That's not a conversation your parents should have to have with them at all.

I would guess these are people that would have been invited regardless of who is paying. I don't' feel like they should have to cut the list because your parents offered to pay for it. I think your FI needs to decide if wants these people there and that should be the final decision. You're parents shouldn't get to say they will pay for everyone, but not people your FI's parents want to invite. I'm sure your parents are inviting their friends as well?