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Rosilus
Devoted May 2021

Whether to invite my fh family or not??

Rosilus, on July 8, 2020 at 1:10 AM Posted in Wedding Ceremony 0 28

Hello all we have to postpone our wedding date to may 15 2021. Due to Covid and my dress being late shipped to me and other Covid related situations. Our original date was July 11, 2020. We informed his family as well as mine and HIS family just blew us off about it (the original date). They all said they cannot come because of getting time off jobs and money issues.

We announced our engagement on Facebook on June 29, 2019 his family never responded or congratulated us at all.


We understood because we are getting married in a different state but in a way I was upset because BOTH of my parents are deceased and his dad is deceased he mostly only has his MOTHER, but he wasn't upset at their response which was "NONE" he stated that's how his family is. My FH doesn't deal with his family at all most of his life and now still. I used to try to get him to involve them but he says they are toxic and he would rather NOT deal with them at all.


Well tonight his MOTHER calls and talks to him she is asking about when, where are we getting married and he tells her we postponed because of COVID. We postponed 2 months ago we never told them because he didnt want them involved. She starts telling him how she hasn't heard from him in a while, also hinting that he didn't call for mother's day. She then ask how about the wedding and she says "OH i know the day is coming up how are you guys doing"? So he tells her we postponed it until May 15 2021 so she says "Oh since that's the case she will save up to come". She then mentions how other family members also want to come. He tells her "I thought you guys weren't interested in coming at all".
She says that not the case at all. She states "Oh I would not miss that i would not miss it and she would regret not making it". So he told her he would have to talk to me about it she says ok. So now I am wondering should I do this or is this crap that she and the rest of his family is trying to impose?

28 Comments

Latest activity by Ashley, on July 10, 2020 at 1:54 AM
  • J
    Master October 2022
    Jana ·
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    Everyone's family dynamics are different. If he feels they are too toxic to deal with and doesn't want to invite them, that is his valid choice and he should not be pressured by anyone to sway in a different direction than he has already chosen. If they have not have not made any effort to be part of his life and brushed off the wedding from the beginning, respect that and drop the subject. Invite those you and he want in attendance who will make the day a happy one instead of walking on eggshells.
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  • Rosilus
    Devoted May 2021
    Rosilus ·
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    Its not a matter of swaying I've been trying to include these people for the longest. its like didnt care then why care now. But it seems now he is like a kid at christmas because she finally reached out to him.

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  • mrswinteriscoming
    VIP December 2021
    mrswinteriscoming ·
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    That in itself tells me that you should have them there.

    FH and his family clearly do not have a great relationship but I think that things will most definitely be strained further if they are not invited (just the same as if they choose not to come).

    If FH doesn't want them there, then don't have them, but unless that is the one and only case, I would proceed on the basis that they will be there.

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  • Elmarose
    Expert July 2022
    Elmarose ·
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    No family is perfect and at the end of the day if his mother is expressing that she wishes to be there no matter what has gone on in the past that is going to be your mother in law and if you wish to have children the grandmother of your children. She at least reached out and she is trying. I say let yesterday's troubles burry themselves and try to build a new healthy relationship with his family. If they show up they show up and just be courteous and send an invitation to the ones that want to go. It doesn't hurt to try and also wouldn't give them a reason to talk bad about you or your FH and you guys can at least have the peace that you guys did your best. But most definitely invite his mother. Best wishes, I truly pray this all resolves and that you both have a wonderful celebration and healthy marriage with his family Smiley smile Smiley ring

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  • J
    Master October 2022
    Jana ·
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    It does seem strange to start caring now, like you said. People don't stop being toxic overnight, so hope for the best that things are improved and prepare for the worst. It's one of those situations where you have to follow your gut and do what you feel is best. Good luck!
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  • Rosilus
    Devoted May 2021
    Rosilus ·
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    Im marrying him not his family. just saying not expecting perfection but this is the most important day of my life as well i dont want to feel uneasy because they have been some issues in the past with me and them. and by the way we are not having children

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  • Elmarose
    Expert July 2022
    Elmarose ·
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    Oh my... well if you feel that way then this situation is completely up to you and your FH. You seem to be carrying a lot with you. We all feel differently and I know for me marrying my FH our families will become one as well. Obviously not perfection since there is no such thing as perfection. I truly wish you the best and remember it's also one of the most important days in the life of your FH as well.

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  • Rosilus
    Devoted May 2021
    Rosilus ·
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    Oh no doubt we are discussing this now as we speak. His family goes by "you live your lives we dont want to interfere" while that's all cool and dandy what makes you want to interfere on our lives on our WEDDING day.. this day is for both people. IDK maybe its just me

    I cant go to a wedding if I am not on good terms with "BOTH" parties getting married. That's just me and then go back to being antisocial and toxic afterwards. I cant have negative energy on our day. If this was ANYONE in my family they would not be there.
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  • A
    Super October 2021
    Ashley ·
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    This is definitely something to discuss with him at length. Ultimately, though, I would leave that as his decision and support him and whatever he chooses. They’re his family, so if it’s important to him, it’s important. You also don’t want him to end up blaming you for not allowing them to attend and possibly causing resentment.
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  • Rosilus
    Devoted May 2021
    Rosilus ·
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    Would you attend a wedding if you are not good terms with the bride and groom?

    the key here is both bride and the groom

    since the wedding is for BOTH i dont think neither should feel uneasy

    if anyone in my family has a problem with my fh i would not invite them thats me

    because i would not make my fh uneasy on OUR day. its important to me that my fh enjoys every moment of our wedding.

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  • Margaret
    Master October 2020
    Margaret ·
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    It's his mother and family, we don't always like them and yes, they can be toxic. But you should invite them. If they come, GREAT, if not - sounds like no hard feelings. At the end of the day, these are your FILs and why start your marriage with animosity and whatever was going on with them before sounds like they are over it. If you opt not to invite them and one day your FH finds remorse and ends up resenting YOU for CHOOSING not to have them, how will you feel? If he wants them and told them about the wedding, it's your duty as his FW to invite them.

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  • M
    Master October 2021
    Mrs.a ·
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    At the end of the day you both have to decide, and if he wants his family there...toxic or not...then it’s important to at least invite them.

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  • Yasmine
    Master October 2020
    Yasmine ·
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    I think that you should at least invite them, if they choose not to come that’s on them. But if his mother is now trying to rekindle a relationship with her son, then I would allow and see where it goes. If you see that they’re becoming toxic then change your mind about the invite. Since your wedding isn’t until May, it seems like you have awhile yo decide!
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  • RaylaSan
    Expert February 2021
    RaylaSan ·
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    My family is what I would consider to be extremely toxic, and living with them was what I would consider to be very damaging for my mental health. However, ever since I moved out of their house, my relationship with them has actually really improved. In the end, I couldn't imagine my big day without having any of my family around, regardless of how toxic my past relationship with them is.

    I would honestly just invite them, especially because I feel that the mother is trying to actually keep in touch with her son, and I think It's extremely important to support her efforts in doing so.

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  • A
    Master June 2020
    Anna ·
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    Hey!
    We only get one family, good, bad or indifferent. If it were me, I'd take the high road and invite them. Look for the positive, let go of the past and consider it an olive branch of sorts.

    She may want to make up for the past, let her. Individual family members can decide if they can attend. You've done your part, by being considerate and inviting them.
    Some people don't have , or care to have social media. If that is how you made your announcement, it doesn't surprise me that there wasn't a response. Some may have not seen your post.
    Send them a save the date, followed by an invitation. You won't regret it. Congratulations!
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  • Rosilus
    Devoted May 2021
    Rosilus ·
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    Thanks everyone for the comments It appears as the "BRIDE" i dont have any say in this Wow what a way to look forward to starting a happy marriage.Smiley heart If a man resents his "BRIDE" due to this it wasn't meant to be in the first place.

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  • Rosilus
    Devoted May 2021
    Rosilus ·
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    Who you have to deal with after the ceremony. the family??? I spoke with her today and she is still toxic. As far as social media they all saw it and have accounts. he has already stated he has been neglected by his family his whole life who's to say they wont do it again and then it is I THE BRIDE that has to deal with this after the fact. Everyone is stating "INVITE" but the results will always fall back on "THE BRIDE" in the end whether they come or not.

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  • Rosilus
    Devoted May 2021
    Rosilus ·
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    I will regret it people that dont like me is at my wedding. i will resent this wedding completely

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  • A
    Master June 2020
    Anna ·
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    How would you feel if you could not invite your family? It's ultimately up to him, but if you do pressure him not to invite them, because of your personal feelings, he will resent it someday. It may be years down the road, but it will hurt him that his Mother wasn't there because you didn't want her there. If his Mother doesn't show, after invited, that's a different story.


    We only get one family, and I can't think of anyone that doesn't want their parents at their wedding. No matter, what happened in the past. We want our parents to be proud of us and we want to share our happiness with them.You don't want her there, and that may be the problem. Sounds like you want us to give you permission, not to invite her. In my opinion, if you don't, that will cause lots of problems down the road.

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  • A
    Super October 2021
    Ashley ·
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    It’s different if one of the people getting married really wants them there. Plenty of in-laws don’t get along with the person their family member is marrying, yet they still attend because it’s the wedding of their family member. It’s actually pretty common. You seem to have your mind made up, though. You seem to be upset with everyone who is just trying to give advice simply because we don’t necessarily agree with you. At the end of the day, it’s your wedding and you and your future spouse need to decide. There’s no reason to get angry at strangers who are just trying to offer advice that you posted looking to receive.
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