When you don't want your mom at your wedding: Dear Prudence

She signed herself "Estranged and Happy."

Prudie's response:

I have good news, inasmuch as you’ve already accomplished what you’re asking me for help with. You don’t speak with your mother, she’s not aware that you’re engaged, and presumably therefore she doesn’t know you’ll be having a wedding soon. You may or may not be able to make some kind of peace with your mother in the future (depending on her continued sobriety), but you’ve decided you’re not ready to risk having her at your wedding, which is entirely reasonable. You don’t have to tell her you’re engaged, and by simply continuing not to talk to her, you’ll achieve your goal of not having her at your wedding. There’s no need to have a separate conversation informing her that she’s not invited, although you can make it clear to your extended family members who might have question that she won’t be in attendance. All you have to do now is focus on your wedding day and making sure the people who love you and treat you well are there.

I don't have a ton of advice because I'm basically in the exact same situation with my father. From what he tells people, he INSISTS that he will be walking me down the aisle. My dad won't be invited or walking me down the aisle - my step dad will. So I am following this thread for advice as well. Good luck, and I'm sorry you have to do this

Her mom will probably hear about the wedding through the family/friends grapevine, so I'm not sure how good Prudence's advice is.

This is like my relationship with my brother it's harder because I want my nephews (his 2 sons) there. They both talk to him, so I know he knows I'm engaged although he hasn't reached out...I'm fine with him not being there and being "upset" (he's estranged from pretty much the entire family). I'm more concerned about the condition he would show up in and his antics during the ceremony and reception.

I didn't invite my father. No regrets.

I think unless she is estranged from her entire family, she will hear about it. She may have to talk to her mother anyway.

Just a sad situation. I am surprised at how prevalent it is. I've lived a sheltered little life despite all I've been through!

Oh! A-Lynn, this is not me, my mom has been gone from this earth for 15 years and I couldn't imagine not inviting her but that was us. This is from "Dear Prudence."

I'm not inviting my biological father, who is a deadbeat, or the man who raised me, who is a selfish ass that started his new family with his "real biological daughter" as soon as I was of age. Absolutely no regrets here. My wonderful and loving stepfather, who I now call "dad" will be at my wedding. My mom is walking me down the aisle. My stepdad will have the father-daughter dance.

Family is what you make it to be. Blood may be thicker than water, but that doesn't mean dick.

I'm not inviting my mother after she threatened to shoot up the place. She's crazy and I hope she stays away.

Oh man Native...good call!

Bea Cannolis -- I really like your brand of straight up, unvarnished advice. You're right about family. Sometimes we just don't realize that there is never going to be the big Hallmark homecoming with music swelling in the background. Sometimes, you can't go home again, and if you can, ask yourself if you should. Some parents have caused damage that consumes years of their childrens' lives. At some point, it is far better to close the door than to live in fear that they will probably do what they've done before.

I'm not inviting my half brother who lied about having cancer. I'm not inviting his 3 or 4 or 5 children either (he can't keep it in his pants and is a serial cheater).

We didn't invite any relatives we couldn't reasonably expect to keep our information private from people we didn't want hearing about it. It was a little bit disappointing, because one of those relatives was someone we would have loved to have otherwise, but it was well worth not having to deal with that stress.

I haven't decided if I want to invite my mother either. She's an alcoholic and bipolar as well as suffering from what she calls "disassociative disorder" which from what I understand means she can't see things from anyone elses POV, everything is all about her, but I don't know a whole lot about the condition to be honest. This is a tough situation. I'm not even that big a fan of my dad. He'll walk me down the aisle, but I don't think i'm gonnna do a father/daughter dance. :/

Ooh I like that "disassociative disorder" thing.

I am in the same situation with my mom. We haven't spoken in the last few years but she found out about the wedding. I invited her basically out of pity but I'm secretly hoping she doesn't show up. She steals the attention by crying about how she hasn't seen any of her kids in so long. It's pathetic.

I read Dear Prudence religiously!

Being in recovery. ...I know a lot of people who have wrecked their relationships with their families. I know a lot who have gone to great lengths to repair said relationships also. I don't think she needs to invite or explain anything to her mother. If her mom wanted a relationship she would've gone to any lengths. If she's still drinking. .. that's impossible. Hope this poor woman can let go with love. I'd also suggest Alanon.... coming from alcoholic families really does warp people. It's so hard.

For us it is the Grandma (his) that is the nightmare and ruins EVERY special event for his mother (and this certainly qualifies). Everyone in the family has been sworn to secrecy until after the event...no social media either. Sometimes you just have to do what is going to be the best for you AND your guests. No one wants to deal with drama like that, and if it can be avoided...