When to set bridesmaid dress deadline, what to do about stragglers?

So here’s my view. It seems like you’ve gone above and beyond to really make sure your bridesmaid are set to win. And it seems like the girls who are lagging behind are not seeing your wedding day as a priority in their lives. I would suggest bringing it up one more time if you’re met with eye rolls and drama then SORRY you’re no longer a part of the wedding party. You’re “friends” should be celebrating alongside you in this season, not making it harder by not cooperating.

I’m personally only having 3 bridesmaid which will be 4 total with the MOH.

"Punctuality is the politeness of Kings" If you have already offered an extension to have the attendant's gowns purchased, then I would politely dismiss them from the bridal party and extend an invitation as a guest. While you cannot control other people, you can relieve the stress you feel by changing the dynamics of your bridal party.

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Thank you, that's great advice :-)

You are going to drive yourself crazy trying to control other adults. If they order the dress in time, great! If not, they attend as a guest. Dress shops notoriously quote more time than needed to cover their behinds. All of my BM's had their dresses 3 weeks or less from when they ordered them. You still have PLENTY of time! You have given them the information they need, now let them take care of it!!! You will have enough to stress over in the coming months, let this go!

ETA: one thing to repeat to yourself: "my wedding is not as important to other people as it is to me" Please do not kick out bridesmaids over this, do you really want to end these friendships over your vision for one day? Everything will come together, trust me.

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That's the perfect size! I'd be down to the same, but one of my bridesmaids will be a bridesMAN! I think my party was too large to begin with.

I'd give them another month or so to purchase the dress, if you can push off booking everything you want to do for them as well.

Have you tried reaching out to see if everything is okay? The motto here is friend first, bride second, and even though it sounds like you've been more than kind and taken considerations in for financial stress and the like, sometimes people are still hesitant to bring things up to the bride because they're afraid to upset her.

If after you sit down and talk and after a period of time they still haven't bought the dresses, I wouldn't remove them from the party, per se, but if you aren't able to accommodate them in the surprises, explain why they won't be able to join in. It's sweet that you want to do that for them, but they can't expect to hold everything up past the point of being able to fix it.

Good luck!

View Quoted Comment That’s awesome! I also ended up finding a dress that was on a sale that suited all body types and I just bought them. My bridesmaid are in charge of any alterations which only one had a problem with the bust size and her grandma took care of it!

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Only 3 weeks! Amazing!

The rest of my bridal party ordered 2 months ago, and two just received notice that their garments will be delayed for some reason, i guess they got more orders than they expected and are short on the material we chose! They will get them just in time to have them altered. That's probably why I started to feel this way...

*Shrugs* guess it matters where you order from!

Personally I think the deadline should be the day of the wedding. I’m all for letting adults be adults and if you don’t have the dress on the day of then you’re a guest. People don’t like to be micromanaged. I am not following up with any of my bridesmaids about if they’ve picked out or ordered a dress.

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Thanks, a month sounds doable :-) I'll try what you said about talking about avoiding the wedding topic to get a better feeling of what's really going on with them...

one of them is my sister in law (my brother's wife, not FSIL), whose best friend is getting married a week after me, and she's maid of honor--i'm wondering if she'd be relieved to just sit this out! It'd be a real shame though, since this would be a great opp to get closer to her.

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I totally get that. But would you be slightly disappointed if you had arranged extras for them (I'm covering hair and makeup, getting them special accommodations for them and their SOs, etc), and a nice gift? I suppose it shouldn't matter--my wedding is kind of a destination thing at a resort though so I'm rolling out the red carpet the whole weekend for my girls. I might be looking into this too deeply as a symbolic gesture (the getting of the dress).

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Oh, and I'm pretty aware that this event isn't important to everyone... and I would never "kick out" anyone! I guess I'm just starting to see that it is more important to some than others, and I'd like to relieve the ones that don't seem interested (as well as myself, since I decided to provide so much for the wedding party).

If they have to order one then yes they should get on it quickly. If they’re planning to buy off the rack though they do actually have a lot of time. My sister let us buy any dress that was blue and I got mine less than a month before the wedding. I had to go out of town to get it (looked around here but found nothing I liked, don’t live in a big metro area with lots of stores) and I didn’t have time to go do that any earlier. So I guess it kinda depends on what they’re planning to do.

You have done everything you can do here’s what I would do. I would send a text or email, phone call etc and basically tell the people who are dragging their feet that they have until xxxx date. If they do not have a dress by then you will have to remove them from the wedding party. It’s a hard line to draw but it has to be drawn.

I don't really see the need for your deadline in the first place. A deadline for getting dresses is usually because that's when they need to order for them to arrive on time. If I was planning on buying off the rack, 4.5 months is way earlier than I'd be buying. It's early and not a priority yet. I'd wait until a month out and check back in with them about it but even then they can easily buy something the week of the wedding

View Quoted Comment You have made the decisions to provide the extras you have for your bridal party and that decision does not mean they owe you more now. Their only duties with respect to the wedding are to show up on time, in the requested attire and mostly sober. Pre-wedding events, help, etc are optional. I have been someone who was kicked out of a bridal party over a BS issue I could not control (my brother’s wedding was the day before and out of town- but could get back by plane in a couple hours). It’s insulting and hurts! These are supposed to be your nearest and dearest friends who you cannot imagine not having by your side at your wedding. I guarantee you if you keep going this way you will come out of this with a few less friends. Are you really willing to risk your friendships with these people over this?

View Quoted Comment Yes, but if she spends a ton of money to treat her bridal party then that's money she can't recoup because someone didn't pick up a dress. It's not that hard, and she offered to help pay.

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Mandi, sounds like I touched a nerve :-( I'm sorry that happened to you! Especially since it sounds like you really *wanted* to be a part of things.

I have a feeling that our situations are very different, but thanks for the feedback!

What is the date by which you need to cancel the accommodation for anyone who is not in the wedding party? If they don't let you know they have the dress by that date, I would let them know that they are welcome to attend as a guest and that they will be required to make their own arrangements for accommodation.

Gifts can always be purchased at the last minute if you know what you want to get them. Wedding party gifts are particularly easy because they should be chosen individually anyhow.

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You're right, now that I've said "off the rack is ok" there really is no need for a deadline...I did make that decision just to make it easier financially, as the other ladies all ordered from the dress shop I booked appointments at (brideside--from the watters and jenny yoo line). But those dresses were over $200 which is STEEP for a likely one time wear dress. I was originally hoping for a more cohesive thing but, like Mandi suggested, I wouldn't want to impose my vision too much on anyone. And some of my girls are high-fashion types, wanting designer, and some are just trying to make ends meet.

I would hope that they would make a pick bit sooner than a few weeks out though. Just because I would like to have a bit of input, and by then I'll be way too busy with other matters (it's a destination thing). In the end, the dress itself matters very little. I'm realizing more and more that it's a symbol.