What's a Wishing Well?

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The only 'gift giving protocol' is that if you choose to give a gift (and yes, it's a choice; that's why it's called a gift), you should give according to your budget and desire. There should be no embarrassment for giving $20.

I THINK THE ONLY DISTASTEFUL PIECE IS THAT SHE PUT IT ON ThE INVITE!

View Quoted Comment First of all, My mother taught me manners and she taught me if I don't have the decency to give a good gift, one that is off of their registry or whatever they request, then my ass has no business being at the wedding. You are invited to a very expensive affair where most of the time you get to eat, dance, and drink for free. Its common decency and the least you can do. And if its the givers choice then people wouldn't bother to spend the time putting together registries in the first place. You can just give whatever's been sitting in the back of your closet. It's not about feeling entitled to a damn thing.

I guess I am cut from a different cloth. I always make sure that I follow what the couple requested and make sure I adjust my budget accordingly to ensure I am giving a decent gift. I guess I won't expect the same kind of consideration from other people that I give because clearly there are differing perspectives on this.

View Quoted Comment Why do you just assume off registry gifts are no good? A thoughtful friend or family member can give excellent gifts not from any registry. Close friends bought a fixer upper farmhouse, 2 months before their wedding. 1970's painted avocado colored woodwork. We are giving two different off registry gifts. Hubby, a master carpenter and cabinetmaker, with my assistance, is making 12 double cabinets, and a 6 case compact pantry. Of real cherry. Those cabinets would cost thousands they don't have, bought from a building supply place, or custom made. But we know they were putting off the kitchen because they have only money saved so far for appliances, and countertops. They paid for their own wedding, and greatly appreciate having the cabinets to install , instead of their appliances waiting in storage til they get money for cabinets. My parents know their parents. They purchased tile for the couple's kitchen and bath floors. We asked them to choose the pattern two weeks after their wedding, with their labor and ours, they will have a kitchen, $5000 to 8000 less than what they would have paid. What is wrong with that ?Another friend and I will rip up the old tile and install it. If one picks a gift that is nice, off registry, it is a good gift . I received quilts that would sell for o er a thousand each, unique and hand made. Cedar chest, a cherry would dining table for 12, and a matching sideboard. Lots of friends get great off registry gifts. . . . And, the gift is always, past and present, the choice of the giver. They get suggestions from the registry, or not. Registries are not a shopping list people must buy from, never have been. It matters that a gift be of nice quality, and that enough thought is put into choosing it to be sure it is something that will be appreciated. It does not have to be from a registry.

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What your describing is completely different from what I am talking about. Heck yea custom cabinets with install are a great gift! And clearly you have a super special relationship with that couple so that's different. I am not talk about something like that. I am more referring to people who cheap out on a gift in general. Registries were created to not just be ideas. Many people do them because they just don't want to receive random stuff that they don't need. I've gone to many a wedding where people gave nothing. Like literally came, ate, and drank and gave nothing OR they gave crap (and you could tell), or gave stuff that the couple didn't ask for nor needed. I still also don't think saying you don't want gifts isn't a bad thing. I mean I am 34 and have pretty much everything I need. I don't need another blender. I mean again we have varying perspectives on this. I went to my cousin's wedding and right before I bought almost $100 worth of a gifts off the registry and I was told that I was being cheap basically and not following gift giving protocol. I ended up contributing to a wishing well they had in addition. I learned my lesson that day.

View Quoted Comment Yes, different perspectives. We people bought all 10 items on our registry. Since it included some open stock stoneware, and glassware, and flatware , none expensive but we were building what has become enough to entertain a lot. So some people bought us 24 glass mugs, then gave another gift. Of things of significant value, $50 plus, we got more than 200 off registry gifts between shower and wedding gifts. And only one dud. From someone who gave a second very nice gift. So, one pheasant planter with a hole for the plant in it's back. Purchased from a ceramics artist, I hate to think what it cost. But all the rest, people found things we would never have thought to ask for. That were within their budget. Some, a lot of labor. Two dead broke from school couples cut firewood. We had just moved to a place on a lake peninsula, in winter, remote, surrounded by frozen lake. The labor they put in to cutting, transporting, and stacking 4 cords of wood, and putting it on racks, was first of all, labor we did not have to do, since we were broke. The only land where we could legally cut it was over 40 miles away, so gas to take those trips in an SUV, ouch . But at a hundred dollars plus delivery to buy it, 4 cords was an excellent gift. Their time and labor, off their land. We had 2 inside fireplaces, an outside brick oven and fireplace, and a wood stove. And my hubby's S and SIL were screaming, what the !!!! kind of gift is that, who gives wood for a wedding, yada yada. We heard a lot of garbage, about some of the most thoughtful gifts I have ever had. Nobody cheaped out. But some people, like some of my now SIL and a few of his brother's wives, went out of their way to make people feel small. For them it is all about money, money, money. To us, the fishing family (they make their own fishing nets in Labrador) who spent God knows how many hours tying tiny string knots in a diamond pattern to make two double hammocks, in a decorative 3 color pattern, gave us their time and their love. To a guest at our home, hubby coworker, who saw them, he just mouthed off about it. Till someone pulled up an imports catalog, and showed him what hand made string hammocks with a woven in pattern sell for. . . I was raised to believe each gives according to their budget and ability. And it gripes me that so many people act like it is up to them to tally up other people's gifts and pass judgement. And every time I read about off registry gifts on WW, about 90 percent just think that means, someone giving a bunch of crap. It intimidates people who haven't a lot of money, but have time and talent. And those who give of themselves. The total value of your registry gifts was fine. So it was a group of smaller items. We almost cried when we finished everything from one of my showers. People not going to the wedding, a little it of $5 or something you produce, per person. Quarts of honey, gallons of maple syrup, months of jellies and preserves, 5 pound tubs of hazelnuts, 4 pound slabs of homemade caramel I could use in cooking, and a whole bunch of spices. I cooked desserts for half a year. Little things add up. Who are other people to look down on someone who gives a number of seemingly small things? If they actually put thought into the choice, and chose well. Other people should not be so quick to judge what is none of their business to begin with. Why did other people think it was their place to tell you off?

It is considered extremely rude for anyone attending a wedding to come without bringing a gift unless they genuinely can't afford one. It's not a payment for the meal, or at least it isn't supposed to be. It's a genuine gesture of goodwill setting a new married couple up with what they need for their new life together. It would be mean spirited to buy someone something that you know they don't want or need and is expressly against their wishes on the one day in their lives that is supposed to be about them. It doesn't matter if you think their choice in venue or music is tacky, if you don't like their dress or whatever they choose to wear, if you think their invitations are cheap or trashy. It wouldn't be appropriate to tell the bride and groom your opinion in any of those situations. But, for some reason, all of you think that it's okay to tell the bride and groom on their day that you don't like their needs in life. Which is what a wedding registry is for everyone who isn't rich by the way. That is the literal function of a wedding registry. Not all newlyweds are independently wealthy. It shouldn't matter if they ask for cash, a food processor, or towels with a pattern you think is stupid, it's their day! And, it's particularly rude and trashy to shame a new couple for being poor by intentionally and conspicuously going against their wishes and giving them something that they don't want or need. If you are so fantastically wealthy that money offends you, I imagine being around people who still need it won't fit with your delicate sensibilities and you probably shouldn't go for any reason regardless of relation (what the hell does FH mean?!) or give any gift. Obviously, if you are buying someone a gift just to stick it to them you probably aren't the best person to attend their wedding.

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Those things all sound great to me, but it's not my wedding or your wedding we're talking about. What if the couple getting married doesn't cook? What if they genuinely wouldn't like any of those things? Who knows them better than themselves? Some people genuinely don't like surprises. It's cruel for someone to invite another person to their wedding and shame them for not giving a gift or not giving an expensive enough gift. But, it is equally cruel to go to someone's wedding, the one day in their life that is a celebration of them as a couple, and tell them conspicuously that you think their tastes and needs are stupid by going against their clearly expressed wishes and getting them something they don't want or need!

View Quoted Comment This means, then, that through all of the history of wedding gift giving, people have practiced cruelty when the giver chooses a gift? Something I have never heard before. Are you aware that registries as they are today have only existed for about 15 years? They were not even around at my first wedding (I am 38.). U til changes in newer computers, store registries existed only at fairly high end department stores, gift and jewelry shops. And only in a single store you went to, not every store in a chain . And people registered for patterns of real silver, of flatware, glasses, crystal items, dishes, and a very few other things? Which means that all the rest of the gifts, and all not expensive gifts, and all gifts not bought at the one actual store you visited to register, were always chosen entirely by the gift giver's. And it was not, and generally is not, considered cruelty not to shop from someone's registry. And only since 2003- 2006 when more and more stores started registries as a marketing tool ( get a customer couple to steer you to their store) have half of the population ever registered for anything , the half that never was in the higher price range of things like silver or expensive glassware, silver and entertaining things. Cruelty is a term for the vicious treatment of another human being. Not, for not shopping to their orders for the giving of gifts.

View Quoted Comment I totally agree with you here!!

View Quoted Comment Well put Sista!

View Quoted Comment It is rude to ASK FOR any kind of gift, boxed gift or money. And putting it on an invitation, please come and bring me the gift I want which is cash, is extraordinarily rude. So rude it makes a person think, why would I want to attend the wedding of someone this rude? Better to just stay home, and send them a book on social manners, or etiquette, something they obviously could use .

Wow
just curious why would you defy like that?

better yet, just don’t go lol

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Hi Judith,

It's really not an ask or a demand as you're thinking of it, its more like a heads up just like dropping a tag for a registry in an invitation envelope. If any of my friends asked for cash, (which some have in their own clever/polite way) I don't think anything of it I just give per their request because I love them and I'm there to support them. Also, if I'm getting married away from home how would I notify my 300 guests that I can't transport all their gifts other than on the invite or website. We're also moving into an apartment to save for a house and have each collected our share of home items...we don't need anything from Target, Walmart, Macys, Crate & Barrel or such like. It only sounds rude to you because its being filtered and changed by your own ideals of what you think is right. Now days we've invented so many other clever ways to be eco friendly, not live in excess and be more thoughtful about how we give! We have Honeymoon funds, Wishing Wells, donation to charity etc. Some of these so called traditions and ideals are antiquated including "gift givers choice". Research may say people still give gifts but its not calculating how many of those gifts are returned, collecting dust on shelves in garages, end up in a landfills or are exchanged for cash.

I know at a bridal shower when there is a wishing well it means any gadget or household item, soap, paper towel etc that they may need

View Quoted Comment I think that's actually the problem with gift giving. Most often, people buy you what THEY want you to have, whether you need/want it or not. I'm struggling with registering for actual gifts, because although there are household items we could certainly use, we legit have no more room to store anything. I'm currently having to figure out where to put 4 pairs of boots I got for Christmas. I never made mention to anyone that I needed or wanted boots and I rarely go anywhere, thanks to COVID-19. Prime example of the gift giver giving what THEY wanted me to have, without considering my actual circumstances.

I would buy 0 drinks and give no gift and not feel bad about being early. It's supposed to be a wedding, not a fundraiser. Yikes yikes yikes